Fourteen
- Castlevania series, Death and Dracula
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J. RANDOM: Have at thee! En garde! Avast! Woo hoo! Who's your daddy!

(SCENE: Dracula's boxy little chambers at the center of the castle, which can only be approached by a really obnoxious series of corridors and/or puzzles. DRACULA is here, watching the turn of events on an ever-so-convenient crystal ball and scowling.)

DRACULA: ... honestly, you cannot get good help any more. Boss fight! There was supposed to be a boss fight on that pixel! Where is Death?

(The ZOMBIE in the corner groans a bit, which seems to serve him as a shrug. DRACULA scowls and pulls out a cellphone, jabbing out a shortcut with his thumb.)

DRACULA (into phone): ... don't you dare send me to voice m... you sent me to voice mail. Death! Where are you? The latest Belmont is doing the hokey pokey on your assigned pixel! Our old friendship can only carry you so far!

(DRACULA slaps his cellphone shut and turns his attention back to the crystal ball. J. RANDOM BELMONT is busting torches. DRACULA sighs again and turns to the ZOMBIE.)

DRACULA: ... go tell the torch-replacement crew and the heart-replacement crew to head down to The Hall Of Unsurprisingly Gruesome Repute And Also Severed Heads And Stuff Booyah.

ZOMBIE: braaaaaaaaains.

DRACULA: Yes, you can go to lunch after that. Shoo.

(The ZOMBIE shuffles off. DRACULA's attention is caught by a dark explosion in the crystal ball.)

DRACULA: Death! Finally. Off polishing your scythe, were you? Caught you with your pants down?

(DEATH engages J. RANDOM BELMONT in battle and eventually manages to remove all his armor and dump the BELMONT into the deepest dungeons, where he can run around and snap his whip at bats for the next twenty hours. That done, DEATH vanishes from the crystal ball and reappears in DRACULA's chambers. His 'face', such as it is, is set and remote. DRACULA doesn't even turn to face him.)

DRACULA: Death! So good of you to join us. Dare I ask what took you so long?

(An ominous presence seeps from DEATH's robes, chilling the air around them both.)

DEATH: DO NOT QUESTION ME. I HAVE BUSINESS IN MANY PLACES AND WAS ATTENDING TO SOMETHING MUCH MORE IMPORTANT. ALSO, I HAD TO FINISH MY TEA.

(DRACULA spins around, slowly, to face him.)

DRACULA: I see. Well, tea, that's obviously important. But... you do remember your last performance evaluation, do you not?

DEATH: I DO. I FAIL TO SEE--

DRACULA: When I told you that if you kept speaking to me in that tone of voice I'd have you sacked? Do I look Morporkian to you?

DEATH: ... ah. Er. Sorry. Forgot myself.

DRACULA: See that it doesn't happen again.

DEATH: Right. I'll just, er, go wait for the Belmont up in the chapel, shall I?

DRACULA: Yes, I think that's an excellent idea. And bring me back some of his blood, I'm famished and there's a double jump between me and the kitchens again.

DEATH: Right!