| Ficbit Challenge 4
Twenty-Six
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| "Captain Vimes, sir!" Corporal Carrot drew himself proudly upright
in the doorway and saluted, his fingertips precisely one and a half centimeters
from his eyebrow, his elbow at the most proper military jut (also, coincidentally,
the exact proper jut for elbowing someone directly in the eye socket, provided
such person was exactly one hundred and seventy-eight centimeters
tall*). "Captain Vimes, sir, if you have a moment, sir, I would like to
put in a request of a somewhat personal nature, sir!"
Vimes did not take his boots off his battered desk, or look away from whatever it was on the ceiling that was so obviously fascinating him, or acknowledge Carrot's existence in any way. Chewing on his battered cheroot Vimes reflected that whatever Carrot was about to ask him, it was certain to require his undivided and very patient interest for at least the next half an hour, and was likely to be either expensive or embarrassing to boot. He considered pretending to be asleep. However, he knew that no matter how long he waited, when he did look up Carrot would still be there, still proudly saluting, and he did want to knock off eventually and go home. "Corporal Carrot," he said, swinging his feet down and sketching a salute. "What can I do for you?" "Well, sir!" Corporal Carrot finished his salute by snapping his hand outwards (in a judo chop guaranteed to break the neck of anyone that was a hundred and fifty-six centimers tall**) before letting it drop to hang perfectly straight at his side. "I have received this letter from my parents, sir, and they have expressed an interest into coming to see me, sir!" Vimes waited a moment to see when, if ever, this would have something to do with him. When nothing else seemed to be forthcoming, he sighed and rubbed his temples. "Congratulations, Corporal Carrot. Will you be requiring time off, then?" "No sir!" Carrot sounded scandalized. "However, sir, if it is not too much trouble, I would like to bring them here to see where I work, sir! I have checked the regulations very thoroughly, sir, and I do not believe that it is in violation, since we are neither at war nor under threat of a plague of locusts, sir!" "Here?" Vimes couldn't stop himself from coughing, although he fought that incredulous tone out of his voice. "You want to bring your parents here." "Yes sir!" "To Pseudopolis Yard." "Yes sir!" "Carrot." "Yes sir!" "Are you really and truly telling me that you want to expose your parents to Nobby?" Carrot only barely twitched. "I suppose I am, sir!" "Ah, well then. They've had all their shots, then?" "Yes sir!" "Been told not to pay any attention to anything he says?" "The moment they walk in through the gates, sir!" "Very well then." Vimes swung his boots back up onto the desk. "Permission granted, Corporal. While I assure you that their safety in Ankh-Morpork is legally and officially my concern, I refuse to take responsibility for anything that happens to them in the guardhouse." "Yes sir! Thank you sir!" Carrot saluted again, precisely blackening the eye of another imaginary hundred-and-seventy-eight-centimeter-tall Thief, about-faced, and marched smartly out of the doorway and down the hall. Vimes returned his scrutiny to the ceiling and reflected that perhaps he'd best have a word with Nobby in the near future. -----
**This also happens more often than you might think. Especially among short Thieves. |
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