Final Fantasy 7 - Wrongest Love and Blood Most Dank

Please be advised that the following fic is a joke; an attempt to amuse myself and others by taking a weak fic idea and stuffing it full of adjectives until its skin burst, then displaying publicly. In other words, this fic is crap. It's bad, all right, it's bad on purpose.
I think, technically, in the midst of all that adjectival crap, there is some shounen ai. I think. The couples are, well, stupid. But like I said, bad on purpose.
Minor spoilers, as if that matters!
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     Wildly throwing open the polished rosewood portal that stood between the darkened narrow hallway and his capacious moonlit bedchamber, Vincent uncaringly flung his slender beautiful body relentlessly into the enormous firelit room. Soft scarlet light seemed to emanate softly from his immense carmine eyes, currently glossy and shining with a diamondesque liquid that could only be helpless tears welling up from the darkest pits of his very soul; his delicate ruby lips were stretched tight in a paralyzed rictus, a veritable paroxysm of soul-destroying rage and overwhelming angst-ridden despair. "Woe!" Vincent cringingly proclaimed in his trembling aching need-filled voice, the single meaning-laden word dripping with all the beautiful pain that the delicately-featured vampire had hidden away, lo these many painful lonely years of torment. "Woe! Cloud! I am henceforth undone! No more shall your handsome spiky blonde claws of infidelity carve their hideous runnels in my throbbing aching heart! Lo, prepare thyself, thou who were once beloved of me but hence no more! For I shall send thee to the flowing viridian Lifestream from whence you came! Torment me no more, o beautiful scourge of my loins and heart!"
     The beautiful blond head of the tall fit turgid SOLDIER raised itself from the plump feather-stuffed white silk pillow. The beautiful hide of his slender high-cheekboned face, tanned and hard, unmarred by the least scar, was streaked with the pearlescent trails of victorious tears long pent up and now no longer unshed; his enormous sapphire eyes glowed with unspeakable triumph and vengefulness. "Strike me not, vampire! For he who is my new beloved, Sephiroth, shall avenge my mako-infused life's blood if I am so much as scratched by the slender sharp tip of one of your gleaming golden claws! Sheathe your anger as once you sheathed yourself in me, and begone to your crypt to rot in the dank dank darkness! I forswear thee, get thee hence!" And the beautiful blond warrior threw back his wildly-coiffed head and began to cackle with glorious triumphant laughter!

     Slowly, Vincent pulled himself erect, blood throbbing in his high cheeks. He trembled wildly, swollen with rage, livid with justice; his long slender white fingers gently stroked the long hard trigger of his gun and ejected a bullet straight towards the tender heart of his breathlessly waiting lover, silencing that victorious sinful laughter for all time, although its cruelest echoes would sound in his pitiful head for hundreds of lonely bloody years to come. 
     Then, the spent gun slipping from his softening fingers, he secreted tiny salinated droplets of purest water from his glowing garnet orbs of sight. "Why, oh why, o my beloved one! Why?!" the betrayed vampire screamed shrilly to the uncaring heavens, the gleaming manicured glossy claws at the tips of his thin fingers clawing mercilessly at his indrawn wan cheek, leaving supple crimson ribbons of vital lifeblood in their cruel wake. "Without you, my love, I am as nothing! Oh, wait for me, wait for this poor despairing soul, I shall end this pitiful pointless existence of mine once and for all! I am coming to join you in the cool azure Lifestream, where we may meld as one for the rest of uncaring Time!"
     From outside the huge dilapidated white-painted mansion, looming darkly over the dark town of Nibelheim, in the dark of night, there was heard a sound most ominous and yet most short: the flat cracking report of a gun as it ended the overlong existence of the angst-ridden despairing vampire, once named Vincent and now named as dust. Perhaps the star-crossed lovers might find pleasant respite in the Lifestream, now; perhaps now, yes, there might at last be blissful rest for the vampire in the firm strengthful arms of his youthful blond lover!

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COMMENTS: Uh. It's awfully, awfully fun to write like that, you know, even if the result is nigh unreadable. It also stretched my adjectival powers to their limit, which is a fun writing exercise. Heh.
Also, I fixed the minor grammatical error that made Vincent's eyes green by mistake. Bad Mooncalf. Bad. Remember what 'viridian' means for MORE than two paragraphs.

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