What is this?

Is Mooncalf full of crap on this issue?

    Please consult the following chart, which will help explicate the points made below: 

    Bishounen tend to have long eyes that appear to have possibly benefitted from selective use of eyeliner, instead of the cute 'round eyes' given to the standard males. Sometimes they have long hair, sometimes short, but it's always perfect, and is usually not one of the cutesy colors. These are not hard and fast rules by any means -- a bishounen may well have large, round eyes, depending on the world -- but these are signs by which the bishounen can usually be identified.

    In fact, a bishounen is a character whose features may be thought of as 'feminized', sometimes to an amazing degree. The extreme example of this is Marron Glace, from Sorcerer Hunters, who is male but forever being thought of as female. (This is in part his own fault for wearing such flowing dress-like robes.) Bishounen never have bulky muscles, although they may be wiry. They are always, however, comparatively slender. Most bishounen are fairly tall, except for she-male bishounen, which may be short, depending on the world they inhabit.

   Many bishounen have blond or silver hair. The next most popular color is black. Very few bishounen have red hair. Or blue hair. No bishounen has pink hair.

    Bishounen also tend to dress well, although what exactly constitutes 'well-dressed' varies from RPG to RPG, and from anime to anime. It is not necessarily true that they wear revealing clothing; usually quite the opposite. However, their clothes are generally clean, matching, well-accessorized, and fitted well. Many bishounen wear something approximating a uniform, or at least a well-tailored outfit. Generally they wear said clothes effortlessly, and manage to look neither fussy nor overdressed in them. Bishounen love capes, and in certain universes, masks.

    Most bishounen don't go in for headbands, but if they do wear one, they're generally a bishounen on the side of good. Yes, Vincent wears a headband, but he also wears a cape that acts as a half-mask. These things are indicative of Vincent's personality and not his bishounen-ity.

    Generally, a bishounen that wears revealing clothing (generally meaning that his chest is revealed) is an evil bishounen. Bishounen that fight on the side of good don't often bare their chests. Darnit. Bare arms are generally alignment-neutral, although they reveal some conflicting tendencies deep within the heart of the bishounen. Bishounen who wear shorts are almost always on the side of good.

    An equally telling sign of an evil bishounen is extremely large shoulder-armor. The larger a character's shoulder-armor, the more likely he is to be evil. Truly evil bishounen wear enormous shoulder-armor, sometimes extending the width of their shoulders to two or three times normal size, with a huge cape depending from the armor that hides their entire body. However, this argument is null if the bishounen wears only ONE shoulder-piece. Shoulders must match before the bishounen is evil.

    If the telling signs are mixed up together, then what you most likely have is either a) a good bishounen that will mistakenly or unwillingly become evil at some point or b) an evil bishounen who's only against you because of circumstance and is really good at heart.

    She-male bishounen are almost always on the side of good. Generally, if what you have is an evil character dressed as a woman, it IS a woman. Before you ask... Kefka is NOT a bishounen. I don't care if he does look like a drag queen. He's not bishounen.

    The other thing that is important in a bishounen -- equally as important as their beauty -- is their angst. What a great word... angst angst angst... it sounds like a dog barking, doesn't it? Ahem. Anyway. Almost all bishounen have problems. They're angry, they're soul-destroying evil, they're world-weary, they're depressed. They have DAMAGE. There is always something about a true bishounen that makes you feel sorry for their pain. Well, that tries to make you feel sorry for their pain, anyway.

    Why is this? I think it's because preternatural beauty without angst would make the bishounen either shallow and vain or someone who is far too easy to despise. But with the angst they become some haunted angel of beauty that makes you want to comfort them. (In theory.)

    Of course, most bishounen really have no idea that that's what they are. Either they have no clue whatsoever about how cute they are, or if they know, they couldn't care less. Perhaps they have other things on their mind, like bringing their space mother back to life so she can rule the world or becoming the ultimate Gundam pilot or whether they'll have to sell their body to support their little sister. Angst again. (angst angst angst! woof!)

    Can a bishounen be actually, literally insane? It depends. It has to be some form of insanity that doesn't detract from their looks. Luka Blight is not a bishounen because he tends to laugh disgustingly. Sephiroth, however, IS a bishounen, because his insanity doesn't make him less attractive. For those of you who would argue it makes him more attractive: please don't damage my webpage. Just seek help. There are drugs for your condition.

    So, what's ultimately important in the pseudoscience of bishounen classification schemes? Beauty, youth, and personality problems, in that order.
For example:
-Ramsus looks a bit too mature to be a 'true' bishounen, regardless of how jaw-droppingly gorgeous he is.
-Miklotov, by dint of having an 'interesting' and 'unique' face, strays from the concepts of true beauty.
-Irvine is too darned happy and well-adjusted to be a proper bishounen. No bishounen is happy-go-lucky.
-However, if someone looks perfect enough, even the angst angle can be overlooked. Camus is a bishounen, regardless of his calm and unruffled manner. (Miklotov got all the angst in that particular 'family'.)
-The reverse is NOT TRUE. Ugly men do not become bishounen simply because their angst is large enough.
-To discover a bishounen's ethical alignment, look at his clothing, not his face.
-If you can't see his face, he'll probably turn out to be a bishounen in hiding for whatever reason.

I hope this discussion of bishounen classification has helped you, but somehow, I suspect that it hasn't. Good night, and good luck.

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