The Angst-Co. Multi-Bishounen!
The ravings of a lunatic mind. However, if I saw this commercial on late-night TV, I'd probably call the stupid 800 number.
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Presenting the all-new Angst-Co. Multi-Bishounen! A thousand and one uses! It pouts! It moons! It's stoic, it's doomed, it's melancholy, it's beautiful! And it comes in a number of designer colors specifically designed to fit your every need!

Comes in the following models! All models come with your choice of designer color hair: platinum blond, golden blond, silver, black, mahogany brown, and for a limited time, pale blue!

THE SWORD MULTI-BISHOUNEN
It slices! It dices! It disembowels and criticals! All that and it can still find time to dress well and make cryptic-yet-depressing comments! Comes with three swords for true convenience - Large, Huge, and Gigantic!

THE SMALL-BLADE MULTI-BISHOUNEN
For this customer with limited space, one who doesn't want this fuss and muss of a gigantic sword, we carry this Dagger Multi-Bishounen! Especially appropriate in some darker corner of your home, this Multi-Bishounen requires almost no room and looks elegant in its long flowing black cape! Great starter Multi-Bishounen... perfect for college students!

THE GUN MULTI-BISHOUNEN
Especially poseable, this Multi-Bishounen can simultaneously pout, point a gun, and agonize about the fate of its target! This model comes with an especially compelling Brooding Stare <tm> that looks so good over this barrel of a gun!

THE MAGICAL MULTI-BISHOUNEN
An especially delicate model for more refined decor, this Magical Multi-Bishounen comes with a built-in lighting system for all your late-night bishounen needs! Set it over your bed and watch its hair billow in its self-created magical breeze! Cool! Refreshing! Attractive!

NEW! NEW! NEW DELUXE MODEL! THE GIANT ROBOT MULTI-BISHOUNEN!
Great for large families, country dwellers, or despotic tyrants! This model comes with a stunningly geometrical gigantic robot carrying case that'll protect your precious Multi-Bishounen from wear and tear while accenting your decor perfectly! Kids love it! Your wife will too!

And why stop there? Order NOW and receive, totally free of charge, your Deluxe Multi-Bishounen Reupholstering Kit! Swathe your M-B in green silk or black leather! Bare its chest with a functional yet attractive harness, or conceal its entire form in a huge sweeping cape! Expand the shoulder capabilities of your M-B to three or four times their original capacity!
Still not satisfied? Then we'll throw in a free Multi-Bishounen Repair Kit! If your Multi-Bishounen should get damaged, you can choose from a number of repair options, ranging from bloody bandages to masks and gloves to excitingly metallic cyborg parts!

Truly the Angst-Co. Multi-Bishounen is an attractive and useful item that no household should be without! Order yours today!

(Not for use by small children. Parental supervision is required when the Multi-Bishounen is in use by teenaged daughters. The Multi-Bishounen cannot be shipped to certain states. Please be aware of local ordinances before ordering. Multiple Multi-Bishounen in the same household can result in sulking, brooding, duelling, yaoi, and interplanetary war. All rights reserved.)

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COMMENTS: Heh... I had fun writing this. I saw waaaaaay too many of those stupid late-night commercials when I was growing up, and this was a pretty decent way to get at least one of them out of my psyche... 
I think my favorite part is the line at the end about 'interplanetary war'. Also, the phrase 'your late-night bishounen needs' makes me giggle.

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