The Rule Of Circles: The simple act of running around in a circle like an idiot will, eventually, draw the attention of ravening monsters bent on your death, provided that you do so outside of town. Therefore, actually traveling somewhere is generally not recommended but often required, and will always draw the attention of the aforementioned ravening monsters.

The Rule Of Circles, Invisible Corollary: You will, however, be either so intent on getting to your destination or running in circles that you will never see these enemies coming, no matter how open and visible the terrain. We may, therefore, surmise that all fiends have the classic AD&D version of invisibility cast upon them, that falls only when they attack.

The Rule Of Circles, Visible Enemies Exception: Certain worlds do not support invisibility, and you may therefore see your enemies coming. However, said enemies will generally stick to a preplanned path, letting you walk within inches of them and be left alone, provided you do not touch them. There are exceptions, generally involving charging enemies. Don't worry. They won't chase you far.

The World Is A Pane Of Glass Rule: Invisible enemies must always announce their attacks by either: a) shattering the landscape like a pane of glass over the PC's heads and sweeping away the shards, b) smearing the landscape like so much wet paint or c) disassembling the landscape into geometric pieces and moving them away in some pleasing configuration. The only allowable exception is for particularly stable and unbreakable landscapes; in this case, enemies are allowed to simply blink out of existence and reappear somewhere more defensible.

The Rows Of Three Rule: Upon entering combat, all combatants must take the time to form into neat rows facing each other and await orders. Generally, each side will consist of one to four combatants, all formed into a precise military row. If there are more than four combatants, there will be some multiple of three or four, formed into neat ranks.

The Wait Your Turn Rule: Once the rows have been formed, there must be a significant delay before anyone may move. This delay is generally acknowledged to be to permit the rousing fight music to properly start. After this period has passed, combatants may begin to step forward and perform their actions, but must take turns. No two combatants may ever act at once, save for specifically rehearsed combinations. Said combinations will void both combatants' turns.

The Da-Dum Da-Dum Rule: If, at the beginning of the battle, you hear music that is different from the usual track, it is time to remember where you stored the powerful healing items.

The Boom Boom Rule: Save for very particular fiends, most monsters, upon dying, will fall back and explode into tiny pieces, vanishing from sight. Humans with names do not generally die but merely concede defeat and vanish, to be fought later. Don't worry, they'll eventually actually die, if only from old age. Your comrades, of course, do not explode. No, not even the incredibly annoying girlchildren.

The Quid Pro Quo Rule: Nothing is ever free. If you require a service, an item, or a bit of information from someone, you will either be required to face a tortuous quest in his name or simply to fight him directly. Even when the entire world is under threat of certain doom and you are recognizably the only person who can save it, no shopkeeper will ever simply give you the things you need. It does not, apparently, matter to them if you fail because you were ill-equipped. In addition, most fiends carry around small piles of gold and useful items. No one knows why. They never seem to use the items in question against you, and the items are, therefore, completely useless to the monsters. But you must kill the monsters to get them to relinquish the item in question; one surmises that perhaps they are keepsakes of personal meaning.

The Quid Pro Quo Rule, Mad Skillz Corollary: Nothing is ever free, unless it appears in a treasure chest, in which case you are free to open and loot it no matter where it happens to be situated. There will be no repercussions. As long as you are physically and mentally capable of getting to the treasure chest, you obviously deserve whatever is inside, even if it is located inside a person's home or in the castle's treasury.

The Quid Pro Quo Rule, Perfect Stranger Exception: Occasionally, if you speak to a perfect stranger, they will give you something. You should, therefore, walk up to everyone you can find and say 'Hello' three or four times. Eventually, they will become so bored with you that they will start repeating themselves. You may take this as a sign to move on, as there will be no further handouts.

The Bait And Switch Rule: The enemy that you are most concerned with at the beginning of your quest will not be your ultimate foe. Indeed, the enemy that you are most concerned with ninety-seven percent of the way through your quest may not be your ultimate foe. Ultimate foes, like pocket lint, often appear to spring from nowhere with no good reason and are more of an annoyance and a distraction than anything else. However, unlike pocket lint, ultimate foes are generally not soft wads of fiber that tend to get caught under one's fingernails.

The Look At My Tits! Rule: Upon successfully completing a battle, one or all of the characters may then pose in a suitably victorious manner. To avoid confusion, however, we ask that you pick a single pose and stick to it, to avoid getting hit with the dramatically swooping camera.

The Aw Ain't That Cute Rule: Upon entering a fight, if you discover that your opponent is a single small adorable fluffy creature, run.

The Aw Ain't That Slow Rule: Upon entering a fight, if you discover that you can take several turns leaping forward and attacking, and your opponent neither attacks nor dies but simply waits patiently and accepts the damage, run.

The I Can't See I Can't Think I Can't Breathe Rule: Somewhere in the course of your quest, you will run afoul of a highly powerful person/creature that prefers inflicting status conditions to inflicting outright damage. Run.

The Dramatic Death Rule: No matter how many thousands of monsters have (under the Boom Boom Rule) fallen back and quietly exploded in your wake, if you die, the entire world grinds to a halt, sad music plays, and either the camera will fade to black or focus on your sprawled limp dead body. This is your prerogative as an adventurer. Be sure it's in your contract.

The But Not That Dramatic Rule: Don't worry. Being dead won't stop you for long. You may find, however, that your body was mysteriously teleported back a quarter of a mile or so before you equally mysteriously ceased to be dead. This is normal.
Ignore the artifact that you always cease to be dead next to. It will be explained shortly. Do not question your luck.

The What's This Round Thing? Rule: All adventures generally contain some form of abstract statuary or floor mural that has been mass-produced and shipped to every corner of the globe, including to incredibly dangerous places that have been lost for thousands of years.
We may thus surmise that these oddly commonplace artifacts (called, prosaically, 'save points') are extremely old, possibly pre-human, in origin. And unlike most forms of modern art, these artifacts are incredibly useful. In fact, prolonged and/or repeated contact with said artifacts may be what causes adventurers to build up a resistance to death. Despite the attractiveness, advanced age, and obvious utility of these devices, you may not uproot them and take them with you. Despite all appearances, these antiques will not sell for a bazillion gold or interest a scholar in any way.

The What's This Round Thing? Rule, Harbinger Corollary: These 'save points' also tend to attract the attention of particularly powerful creatures, who may be trying to benefit from the resistance to death or who may, in point of fact, be the descendants of the alien race that left these artifacts behind. Or, possibly, the creature in question may just have a well-developed aesthetic sense.
In any case, should you be in the midst of some extremely dangerous area and suddenly stumble across one of these statues, it is imperative to make use of it, because it is certain that a highly dangerous creature will be living less than ten steps away from it.

The What's This Round Thing? Rule, Good Night's Sleep Corollary: Feel free to pitch a tent or build a house on top of / around the artifact. No matter how badly hurt you might be, a single night's sleep near the artifact will restore you fully. (Or, in some cases, largely but not fully. Those of you who discover that this is the case should immediately stop questing and sue.)

The What's This Round Thing? Rule, Open Spaces Corollary: You can also, usually, perform most of the functions of the artifact when you are out in a wide open space. What this says about the world is unclear but vaguely disturbing. Perhaps if we were able to view the world from far enough away it would simply be a tremendously huge 'save point'. Or, perhaps we are deluded. In any case, do not question your luck.

The Good Night's Sleep Rule: Related to the What's This Round Thing? Rule, Good Night's Sleep Corollary (q.v.). All inns, houses with beds that you can touch, castles, and so on will fully restore you to health and cure all poison/blindness/etc. like magic in the course of a single night. This is why no townspeople are ever blind, lame,  or missing limbs unless the plot specifically demands it.
Some scholars believe that this is a sign that all inns were built by the same aliens that deposited the artifacts on the planet millions of years ago. This is, of course, ridiculous. It has more to do with a very short sleepy-sounding piece of music. Hearing this relaxing tune while the world is dark is what cures you; unfortunately, no matter how short and simple the tune may be, carrying around a harmonica and playing it will not help you. Although it may amuse your teammates.
In some worlds you will hear this tune in conjunction with pitching a tent around an artifact. Despite all appearances, this makes neither one of them more powerful.

The Oh Gross A Bloody Rat's Tail Rule: The more useless something looks, the more useful it will eventually be. Someone out there will be stupid enough to trade you something vitally important for it. Once again, do not question your luck.

The Incredibly Obvious Luck Rule: In fact, never question your luck about anything. Just relax and remember that, in all likelihood, no matter how many times you think you are done for, you will probably triumph. 

The Incredibly Obvious Luck Rule, True Love/False Lust Corollary: There's also a good chance you will end up coming to some understanding with the boy/girl/man/woman/animal of your dreams, no matter how wildly inappropriate they are for you. Again, don't question your luck. And be sure to thank the fanfiction writers, who will ensure that you actually manage to copulate with the person in question. Often. In many ways you would never have expected. If poorly.
Of course, given enough time, the writers will also ensure you sleep with positively everyone else you have met/traveled with as well, including persons not entirely of your gender of choice. Grit your teeth and don't question your bad luck. It'll all be over soon. Just pray that the writer in question understands what the word 'lube' means.

The Death? I Scoff At Death Rule: Death is never much of an obstacle unless everyone traveling with you happens to be dead at once. There will always be some common item, sold relatively cheaply in stores, that can 'cure' the condition known as death, which is, in all truth, simply another status condition. 
However, no townsperson has ever been smart enough to purchase or use said item, and therefore, once dead, they stay dead. This is ample proof that adventurers, no matter how stupid, are smarter than ninety-nine percent of the population.

The That's Not Death This Is Death Rule: However, if an adventurer somehow dies outside of combat, they are dead forever and no amount of healing items can reverse this. Said death will, generally, be accompanied by very pretty sad music and FMV, and therefore will more or less be worth it.

The That's Not Death This Is Death Rule, Deus Ex Machina Corollary: That is, they are dead forever or until they pop back up to save your collective hineys from a hopeless situation. If you do not actually see them die/touch their cold dead body, they are not, in fact, dead. However, you are required by the rules of etiquette to believe wholeheartedly in their deaths and display an appropriate amount of angst.

The Two-Timing Bastard Rule: Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to have feelings for more than one person. If you find yourself in love with two people, one of them will almost certainly end up having to sacrifice him/herself to save you/the rest of the party. They will, of course, do this happily and instruct you to be happy, leaving you and the surviving paramour to be wracked with pain and guilt and angst. One wonders whether they do this to be cruel.
However, two or more people having feelings for you is perfectly safe, so long as you do not reciprocate. Indeed, this situation should be considered normal.

The Buyer's Market Times Infinity Rule: While the shops may only carry three or four items, shopkeepers will always have an unlimited amount of said items to sell you. Considering that there are, usually, only one or two normal-sized chests behind the counter, you may be tempted to attempt to purchase these magical chests. This never works.

The Buyer's Market Times Infinity Rule, Decoration Exception: Ignore all the pretty stuff hanging from the walls as well as the chests behind the counter; it is highly unlikely that you will be able to acquire any of these things. In the long run, it is best for everyone concerned that you simply purchase what is offered you.

The Seller's Market Rule: All shopkeepers, no matter how poor they appear, will be able to afford to buy anything you should choose to sell them. This includes even the rarest and most valuable items. However, be warned: if you sell them something rare, you will, generally, not be able to buy it back. This is because shopkeepers are greedy. That is how they made all that money in the first place.

The We're Going This Way Rule: If it is ever blatantly obvious which way you are supposed to be going, under no circumstances should you go that way until you have been positively everywhere else. Be sure to explore every tiny byway first and gather treasure. Don't worry. No one will mention your tardiness. The king will wait on you.

The We're Going This Way NOW Rule: No matter how many times other people and your own companions tell you that you must hurry, as long as there is no visible timer/pursuit/impetus, there's no real need to hurry at all. Feel free to wander around and get into trouble. The worldshaking events, much like the king, will wait patiently for you to arrive. This may cause you to develop an inflated view of your own importance. While you are, undoubtedly, the most important person(s) on the planet, we advise you to act as if you were not.

The No, Really, Going This Way NOW Rule: Even those enemies whom you can clearly see waiting for you will patiently wait for you. You may feel free to run around in idiotic little circles less than ten feet in front of them, and they will neither move to intercept you nor, indeed, say anything at all. We infer from this that most of your opponents are more interested in posing attractively than actually fighting you.

back to essays/misc.
back to library