So there you are, playing the incredibly graceful and beautiful vampire Alucard, sweeping through this castle; and you find... well, I guess that's a spoiler, isn't it? Anyway, I took a tiny part of the game and turned it into this thing. It's an idea that grabbed my hindbrain and wouldn't let go, no matter how long I ignored it, how many times I postponed writing the parody...
Spoilers. Immense ones. Including spoilers for things that happen after you beat the final boss. You are warned. I don't think there's any profanity, but there are random sexual innuendos.

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(ALUCARD, the first man, speaks without turning.)

ALUCARD: This is not right. The castle should not have risen again so soon... Father, must I do battle against you again?

(The second man reaches forward, after a moment, and taps ALUCARD on the shoulder-plate.)

ALUCARD: ... What is it, Alucart?

ALUCART: Um... Dad's not here.

ALUCARD: I know that, you idiot. It was a rhetorical question.

ALUCART: A what?

ALUCARD: ... Never mind.

ALUCART: But, um, if Dad's not here, why were you talking to him?

ALUCARD: ... I can NOT believe I am related to you.

ALUCART: Why not? I got a set of family armor just like yours!

ALUCARD: ...

ALUCART: And we sort of look alike, too, yanno?

ALUCARD: Don't you EVER say such a thing to me again, brother.

(ALUCARD sweeps one hand through his hair, then places the elaborate dragonhelm on his head, lowering the visor.)

ALUCARD: I must go to the castle, and do battle, Alucart. Wait here for me, and try not to get into any trouble.

ALUCART: But I wanna do battle too! I got a sword and everything!

ALUCARD: If you come into that castle with me, you will just get killed, and quite possibly get me killed as well. Stay here. That is an ORDER.

(ALUCARD sweeps away towards the castle, cloak billowing behind him, as always. ALUCART stands on the outcropping, mouth agape.)

ALUCART: Wha... who does he think he is, anyway? Just 'cause he's older'n me and all... he can't tell me what to do!

(ALUCART slaps his own dragonhelm, missing one wing, on his head and stumbles off after ALUCARD. After a moment, there is a sound like twenty cooking pots being dropped down a flight of stone stairs, which continues for a painfully long time.)

ALUCART: OW! OW! OW! OW! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! ow! ow! ow! ...ow!... ow!...

(SCENE: In the entry hall of the castle. ALUCARD is here, gracefully cutting a swath through a seemingly endless stream of rotting zombies. His sword sings about him in a deadly arc.)

(SCENE: A small, half-rotted wooden door set in the back wall of the castle. Set next to the small door are five dented metal trashcans, even more dented now that a similarly battered ALUCART has bowled into them at high speed. ALUCART lies there, half-stunned, covered in banana peels and other amusingly-shaped garbage. Shortly, the door opens, and a nondescript skeleton peers out.)

SKELETON: What the hell? What was that noise?

(Three trolls push their way past the skeleton.)

TROLL 1: Who cares? Gotta bring in the trash cans before someone steals 'em.

(The two trolls lumber over and grab the trashcans and ALUCART, being just a little too dim to notice him. The whole mess gets carried inside. The skeleton sniffs disdainfully and closes the door again.)

SKELETON: I guess it was a raccoon after the garbage...

(SCENE: A huge, ugly, but functional kitchen. The trolls have just plunked down the garbage cans and ALUCART and lumbered off. The skeleton clatters over to the stove, plunks a huge chef's toque on his skull, and starts mincing carrots.)

SKELETON: Trolls, bah, worthless beasts. Bring in the trash cans, at least they're good for that.

(ALUCART, stun wearing off, shakes his head and shoves himself to his feet. Trashcans go clattering in every direction. The skeletal chef wheels around, spots the garbage-festooned ALUCART, and shrieks.)

SKELETON: AIIEEEEEK! THE GARBAGE! IT'S ALIIIIIIVE!

(The skeleton bolts away, terrified, screaming something about possessed garbage cans. ALUCART looks confused, absently picking a banana peel off his shoulder and dropping it on the floor.)

ALUCART: Oh well. I'm inside, anyhow... now to find Dad! Or Alucard! Whichever!

(ALUCART wanders off, not neglecting to slip and fall on the banana peel he just dropped. Another resounding crash.)

ALUCART: OW!

(SCENE: A large, forbidding chamber. ALUCARD, looking much less well-dressed, faces off against a large pair of demons. Diving, whirling, striking, he is truly grace in motion.)

(SCENE: A large, nondescript hallway. A pair of animated suits of armor laze around here, leaning on their swords and swapping tall tales. They don't look up as ALUCART tramps in, even though ALUCART is making enough noises to wake the dead. Although around here, all the dead are already awake. Ha.)

ARMOR 1: So, anyway, this Salem Witch, she says 'If that's your sword, then what's this?'

(Both ARMORs laugh. One of them flaps his hand vaguely in ALUCART's direction.)

ARMOR 2: Hey, Coif. Grab a sea.... hey! You're not Coif!

(Both suits of ARMOR leap to their feet, brandishing their swords. ALUCART gapes for a moment, then yanks his sword out of its scabbard. Unfortunately, he wasn't holding onto it very well, and the sword goes sailing away down the hall. Both ARMORs stop and look at each other.)

ARMOR 1: Is that him, Helm? The guy Drac said to be watching for?

HELM: I dunno, Gauntlet. He's got the right coloring, and stuff... but...

GAUNTLET: (to ALUCART) Hey. What's your name?

ALUCART: Alucart!

HELM: Shit, that's him! Drac said his name was Alucard!

ALUCART: Nope nope, that's my brother. I'm AlucarT, with a 't'.

(Both ARMORs look at each other again.)

GAUNTLET: Drac didn't say nothing about another one.

HELM: Yeah. Aw, screw it, I'm too tired to fight. Go get your sword, kid. Sit a spell. Wanna donut?

ALUCART: Um... ain't we gonna fight?

HELM: Nah, not unless you really want to.

(ALUCART scratches his head.)

ALUCART: Well, no, not really, I just wanna see Dad.

GAUNTLET: Oh, Drac? Sure, we can take you up there in a bit... long as you're not going to kill him or anything.

ALUCART: Um... I don't think so...

(ALUCART, forgetting all about his sword, sits down with HELM and GAUNTLET. They share a box of donuts and natter on about castle gossip for a while, finding ALUCART an attentive if not overly bright listener. A small, dark shape darts out of the darkness after a while and drags off ALUCART's sword.)

(SCENE: ALUCARD enters a tiny chamber, filled with the sound of a sluggish heartbeat. Without pausing he strides to the center of the room and closes himself in the enormous coffin that rests there.)

(SCENE: Back with HELM and GAUNTLET, still chatting with ALUCART. A tiny form -- a Flea Man -- bounds into the room.)

HELM: Hey, Skits. What's up?

SKITS: Hi guys! Hi guys! Looking for you, there's coffee, coffee, coffee on in the staff room, room, room! Plus me and the, the, the guys are getting together a poker, poker, poker game! Are you g... HEY! It's that, that, that ALUCARD guy! What are you doing, are you doing?!

ALUCART: Hiya!

GAUNTLET: Calm down, Skits! It's not Alucard, see?

ALUCART: Nope. That's my brother. My name's AlucarT!

SKITS: Oh, oh, oh... are you here to kill the Count, the Count, the Count?

ALUCART: Aw, shucks no! Why would I want to kill my dad? He's... uh... he's my dad, you know?

SKITS: I dunno, I dunno, I dunno. Isn't that what your brother, your brother, your brother wants to do?

ALUCART: ... well, yeah, I guess he does... but my ma says that Alucard has issues. And he's really only my HALF-brother.

SKITS: Oh, issues, issues, issues. Nice to meet, meet, meet you... anyway, come on, come on, we'll play some poker!

(ALUCART, HELM, GAUNTLET, and SKITS all file out of the room. ALUCART looks around uneasily as they leave, one hand unconsciously patting his empty scabbard, but he doesn't seem to remember that he's missing a sword.)

(SCENE: A strange, cluttered laboratory. ALUCARD stands here, sword at ease, speaking to a green-clad woman you have seen before. She seems agitated. ALUCARD doesn't seem to care.)

(SCENE: The staff room. This huge, comfortably furnished, well-lit chamber teems with monsters of all descriptions, chatting, having coffee, playing cards, and generally amusing themselves. Off to one side, at a large round table, ALUCART sits with a bunch of monsters, holding five cards and looking confused.)

ALUCART: Um... okay... full house.

PARANTHROPUS: Ha! Pair of kings! I win!

ALUCART: Darnit all!

(ALUCART shrugs out of his armor and hands it over. The PARANTHROPUS grins and elbows HELM, who would probably also be grinning if he wasn't just an animate suit of armor.)

PARANTHROPUS: Woops, I have to get to work... take my place, Helm?

HELM: Sure, Ribs... hey, you can't take that armor with you to work. You'll get cited.

PARANTHROPUS: Oh, no worries, I'll just stash it somewhere and pick it up later... see you guys!

(The PARANTHROPUS, armor under his bony arm, exits the room waving, amidst cries of 'Seeya Ribs!' 'Don't take any wooden nickels!' 'Give that Alucard guy what for!' 'Keep your eyes on that ring!')

HELM: Deal me in!

(New card are dealt. ALUCART stares at them, concentrating hard.)

ALUCART: Uhhhh... damn...

(ALUCART lifts off his battered dragonhelm and antes it. HELM's eyeholes gleam.)

HELM: I'll see you and raise you two!

(HELM removes his helm, revealing... well, nothing, and lets his gauntlets drop off his nonexistant wrists onto the pile. ALUCART groans and adds his gloves to the pile as well.)

HELM: I call!

(SCENE: ALUCARD whirls through a roomful of assorted grotesques, leaving nothing but still and silent corpses in his wake. On one particularly vigorous swing, the tip of his sword sweeps across a wall sconce, and a loud CLANK is heard. After ALUCARD deals with the last of the demons, he returns to examine the source of the noise... and fishes a very, very familiar-looking sword out of the gore.)

ALUCARD: ... Alucart. Damn you. Damn Father. 

(ALUCARD sweeps his massive cloak about him and stalks off, impressively grim in the dark hallways. ALUCART's missing sword, gleaming in his gauntleted hand, is the last thing to relinquish the torchlight.)

(SCENE: The staff room, again. The poker game has broken up, since ALUCART has been thoroughly fleeced of every single weapon, bit of armor and outer garment. The few monsters that remain are all drinking coffee and talking quietly. ALUCART, in his dirty and rather stained underthings (and a battered blue chenille bathrobe someone dug up for him) is sitting on a tatty couch staring at a magazine entitled PLAYGOYLE. His eyes are wide as saucers.)

GAUNTLET: Hey, kid?

(ALUCART says nothing, turning the magazine onto its side. The centerfold unfolds into his lap. ALUCART's jaw hits the floor.)
(After a moment, GAUNTLET reaches over - his hands now graced by ALUCART's gloves - and taps ALUCART on the shoulder.)

ALUCART: AIEEE!

(ALUCART jumps. The PLAYGOYLE goes flying.)

GAUNTLET: Whoa, sorry, kid.

ALUCART: Uh... uh... that's okay, I, I wasn't doing anything, uh, no, not anything...

GAUNTLET: ...

(ALUCART turns bright red and knots his hands together in his lap. Then, noticing where his hands are and the protrusion they're covering, he yanks his hands up and pulls the bathrobe shut around him. ALUCART is now purple.)

GAUNTLET: ... uh. Anyway. I was going to say, I have to go on duty in fifteen minutes, but I can take you up to see Drac now, if you want...

ALUCART: Oh! Um, yeah, that'd be cool... 

(ALUCART stands up, still nervously pulling the bathrobe shut around him. As he turns around, we notice that some creature has cut a large square out of the seat of the bathrobe, to encompass a tail or some other sort of posterior protrusion. ALUCART hasn't noticed. GAUNTLET coughs.)

ALUCART: Hey, do you have some slippers or something I could wear? My feet are cold...

(One of ALUCART's toes wriggles through a hole in his gray-ish socks.)

(SCENE: A strangely upside down hallway. ALUCARD stands here, a thin trail of blood sliding down his cheek. At his feet, the remains of a suit of armor, although it doesn't seem to be HELM or GAUNTLET. ALUCARD is staring morosely at a suit of armor that we instantly recognize as ALUCART's battered dragon armor. After a while, ALUCARD makes the armor disappear somehow inside his billowing cape, and strides off.)

(SCENE: Another strangely upside-down hallway. This one is much less ornate. GAUNTLET and ALUCART (in tattered bunny-skeleton slippers) are walking along here. As they go by, numerous undead/demonic creatures wave and say hi.)

GAUNTLET: Hey, Jack O'. Rose! How are the little demonlings? Hey, Perry, how's it hanging?

(ALUCART smiles and waves uncertainly at everyone as GAUNTLET greets them. Everyone flashes him a pitying smile; everyone behind him is desperately stifling giggles. GAUNTLET waves at a Medusa Head, who quickly bobs over to chat, weeping.)

GAUNTLET: Oh, Euryale, not boyfriend problems again?

EURYALE: I can't help it, Gauntlet! No matter what I try, he's only interesting in me giving him head!

(EURYALE bursts into tears. GAUNTLET tries to hug the bodiless form, but settles for patting her on the head.)

GAUNTLET: Seriously, Euryale, just le me talk to him, I'll straighten him out!

EURYALE: Oh, you! You'd just jump his bones!

(EURYALE giggles and bobs off. ALUCART looks confused, as usual. Just then, GAUNTLET stops, reaches up, and pulls down a trapdoor in the ceiling.)

GAUNTLET: Here we go, kid... just climb up here and knock when you get to the top. It's a ways up, though, so don't get discouraged.

ALUCART: Thanks a bunch! You know, for a suit of armor you're a real swell guy!

GAUNTLET: Uh... thanks. Anyway, kid, see you around...

(GAUNTLET gives ALUCART a boost up to the trapdoor, ALUCART for a moment standing on his own gloves as GAUNTLET pushes him up. Then he swarms up the ladder, and GAUNTLET closes the trapdoor after him. Flexing his Alucart-gloved fingers, GAUNTLET chuckles.)

GAUNTLET: Nice kid, but he's got the brains of topsoil...

(SCENE: A small, dusty nook, buried somewhere in the depths of the upside-down castle. ALUCARD is here, draped sinuously over a chair, brooding on a dragonhelm with one wing missing. Poor HELM.)

(SCENE: A strange smallish chamber, windowless. DRACULA himself is sitting here, unconsciously mimicking his older son's posture: draped sinuously over his throne, brooding. Unlike ALUCARD, though, DRACULA is idly stroking one thumb over his small mustache. SHAFT stands in one corner of the room, rubbing his withered hands together and mumbling.)

DRACULA: Shaft?

SHAFT: Yes, master?

DRACULA: Be quiet. Your mumbling is giving me a headache, and I have to fight my son soon.

SHAFT: Yes, master.

(Nothing changes. SHAFT continues to mumble. DRACULA broods harder. Suddenly, a loud repetitive thumping sounds from somewhere.)

SHAFT: Master! He's here! Oh, he's here! I'll fight to the death to protect you!

DRACULA: Shaft, shut up! That's not Alucard. He wouldn't knock. It's the trapdoor.

SHAFT: ... oh. Well, I'd still fight to the death to protect you, you know.

DRACULA: I know, I know. Just go open the trapdoor.

(SHAFT shuffles over to the trapdoor in one corner and wrenches it open. ALUCART's head pops out, plastered with plenty of cobwebs and a cheery lunatic grin.)

ALUCART: Hi Dad!

(The change that comes over DRACULA could not be more dramatic. He squeals and tries to leap backwards over the arm of the throne, only to catch his heel on said arm and fall over backwards onto the floor.)

DRACULA: ...ow.

ALUCART: Gosh! Are you okay, Dad? That looked like it hurt!

(DRACULA looks up at ALUCART through a mingled expression of pain and resignation.)

SHAFT: It's your SON! Oh, it is! Your traitor SON! Shall I kill him?

DRACULA: No! Absolutely not! That's my other son Alucart, Shaft.

SHAFT: ... 'other' son?

DRACULA: ... I'll explain later. Look, go keep a lookout for Alucard, all right? Use those orb-y things, slow him down a bit. Alucart and I need to have... what is it they say?... some quality time?

SHAFT: Of course, my lord and master! Right away! Enjoy your bonding!

(SHAFT bows and scrapes his way out of the room. DRACULA stands up, dusts himself off, and looks over at the be-bathrobed ALUCART, now entirely out of the trapdoor and totally covered in grime, dust, cobwebs, and spiders.)

DRACULA: You're... looking well, son.

ALUCART: Thanks, Dad! You look pretty darn spiffy too!

DRACULA: So... um... how's your... mother?

ALUCART: Oh, she's still dead.

DRACULA: Mmm.

ALUCART: She said to tell you 'hi', though.

DRACULA: Is she still... er...

ALUCART: Practicing the sword? Oh yeah, she does that a lot...

DRACULA: No, er... is she still...

ALUCART: Dead? Yeah, I told you that.

DRACULA: No, I knew that, is she still... er...

ALUCART: Invisible? Yeah, and she hates it... says she saves a lot of money on clothes, though.

DRACULA: No, no... is she still... er... mad at me?

ALUCART: I dunno. She talks about you a lot, but I dunno if she's being sarcastic or not...

DRACULA: ... I suppose you wouldn't.

ALUCART: Yeah. Mom's weird like that.

(Silence falls. DRACULA and ALUCART occasionally glance at each other and grin, looking pained. ALUCART busies himself dusting cobwebs off his bathrobe.)

DRACULA: ... and your brother? How's he?

ALUCART: I dunno... he told me to stay where I was and he went off... gosh, he could be anywhere. I guess he could be dead. I dunno. But other than that he's fine.

DRACULA: Do you have any idea why he wants to kill me?

ALUCART: Gosh, no. Mom says Alucard has issues, though.

DRACULA: Oh, issues.

ALUCART: So, um, why DOES he want to kill you?

DRACULA: Oh... no reason, I guess.

(Silence, again. Then, suddenly, tremendous explosions from outside!)

SHAFT: MASTER! O MASTER! He's HERE! I will protect yooou... ooogh!

(The unmistakable sound of the Crissaegrim sounds from just outside. ALUCART looks dumbfounded. DRACULA looks... relieved?)

DRACULA (under his breath): Oh, thank the gods. (normally) Alucart, wait here, all right? I have to go deal with your brother.

ALUCART: You... you ain't gonna hurt him, are you?

DRACULA: Why, no! Don't be silly, I'm just going to punish him! He's been... uh... a very bad boy. Breaking things, abusing my servants...

ALUCART: Oh. Well... okay. Maybe when you two work everything out you can bring him in here and we can do more of this bondage stuff!

DRACULA: ... right, son, I'll do that.

(DRACULA vanishes into whatever alternate dimension he's going to fight ALUCARD in. ALUCART sits down on the steps that lead to the throne and amuses himself by unraveling the hem of his bathrobe.)

ALUCART: Doop de doo, dee dee... dee dum... hello spider... dee dee...

(After an embarrassingly short period of time, a small portal opens, and ALUCARD drops through, landing lithely on his feet. ALUCARD is not wounded. Nor is he scratched. Heck, he's not even breathing hard.)

ALUCARD: ... Alucart! You are alive!

ALUCART: Hey! Is Dad done scolding you yet? 'Cause I'm kinda bored and I thought the three of us could maybe go get ice cream...

ALUCARD: ...

ALUCART: Where IS Dad, anyway?

ALUCARD: ...he's dead, Alucart.

ALUCART: Well, I knew THAT. Heck, so's my mom. But where is he?

ALUCARD: No, Alucart, he's... he's -dead- dead. Again.

(ALUCARD looks vaguely disgusted by the fact that he's had to resort to slang.)

ALUCART: ... oh. Um. You know. This might be a bad time, but... Mom thinks you might ought to try therapy or something... you've, uh, got a lot of issues with Dad...

ALUCARD: Alucart, my 'issues' with my father are none of your mother's business.

ALUCART: Oh. Um. Sorry. But... but I just don't think it's right that you keep killing Dad!

ALUCARD: Alucart, he... he started it!

ALUCART: ...

(ALUCART looks abashed, twisting the sash of his bathrobe in his hands.)

ALUCARD: ... oh, stop that. Here, I believe much of this is yours...

(ALUCARD produces all of ALUCART's dragon armor from the recesses of his cloak, one piece at a time. ALUCART's eyes pop.)

ALUCART: Hey! My STUFF! Thanks, big brother!

(ALUCARD winces at the 'big brother', but starts helping ALUCART don his armor.)

(SCENE: On that same outcropping where we began. ALUCARD, ALUCART, MARIA, and RICHTER are all here, watching as the castle begins to disappear once again.)

MARIA: So it's over.

RICHTER: Again, and hopefully, for good.

ALUCARD: I would be very surprised. My father is not to be that easily defeated.

MARIA: I fear that you're right.

ALUCART: Geez, what do you guys have against Dad anyway?

(Silence.)

ALUCARD: Alucart, this is perhaps not the best time to speak of such matters.

ALUCART: Why not?

ALUCARD: Alucart. Not now.

(ALUCART subsides into a grumpy silence.)

MARIA: What will you do now, Alucard?

ALUCARD: I will return to my eternal sleep, and to ponder, at least until my father threatens the land once more.

MARIA: ... it sounds lonely, Alucard. Would you... accept some company?

(RICHTER looks startled. So does MARIA, a little. ALUCART, on the other hand, grins toothily and flips ALUCARD a thumbs-up. ALUCARD ignores him loftily.)

ALUCARD: For what? Ten years? Twenty? What will you do when you grow old and I do not? No. I must remain alone... I cannot stand to lose anyone else.

ALUCART: (under his breath) Big brotherrrrr, what are you doing? She's a hottieeee...

ALUCARD: ... perhaps I was mistaken.

MARIA: About letting me come with you?

ALUCARD: No. About not being able to stand to lose anyone else.

(ALUCARD glares at ALUCART, who grins.)

MARIA: ... oh. I see.

ALUCART: Don't mind him, he's got issues... Mom said... hey, you wanna come with me instead? I like blondes!

MARIA: ...

RICHTER: ...

ALUCARD: ...

RICHTER: Come, Maria. Let us go. Alucard, thank you again for all that you've done. Alucart...

ALUCART: Huh?

RICHTER: Nothing. Never mind. Goodbye.

(RICHTER puts his arm around MARIA's shoulder, and he and MARIA walk off down the hillside, away from the ledge. MARIA looks back over her shoulder once, longingly, before they are out of sight. ALUCARD and ALUCART stand here, looking out over the clear moonlit night, free of the castle and the taint of evil.)

ALUCARD: So it ends, Father. So it ends.

(ALUCART leans forward and taps ALUCARD on the shoulder-plate.)

ALUCARD: ... for the love of God, Alucart, what?!

ALUCART: Um... Dad's not here.

(CURTAIN.)

It's kind of fun to transpose 'gawky innocent dork Alucart' with Alucard and Maria and Richter. Hee hee, poor hayseed, hasn't got a clue...

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