| Final Fantasy 6: Babe Alert!
This one sort of built itself from nothing, based on the character of Edgar, who was one of my favorites. Usually I'm not terribly impressed with womanizer characters, but I liked Edgar anyway, for some reason. (Long blond hair.) Anyway... not too many spoilers, really, although having gotten through the game will help. =====
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| (SCENE: A busy city street, on a nice spring afternoon. EDGAR, SETZER,
SABIN, and LOCKE are arrayed about a low stone wall, idly chatting and
watching people go by.)
EDGAR: I'm glad winter's finally over... all the NPC girls are out, wearing very little! SETZER: You said it. Look at that... that's a sight I've been missing for months... (EDGAR, SETZER, and LOCKE all stare reverently after the passing girl.
SABIN looks a bit ill at ease.)
EDGAR: Whoa. Look at the pixels on THAT one. LOCKE: Oh, VERY nice. I'd do THOSE eight bits any time. SABIN: Oh, really... this is kind of tacky. EDGAR: What? Don't you think she's sexy? SABIN: Well... SETZER: Hmmmmmmm? SABIN: Well, yes, okay, she IS very pretty. But we don't have to sit here and drool on her. EDGAR: ... Are you sure you're my brother? LOCKE: WHOA! Heads up, gentlemen, we're about to enter NPC Nirvana! (All four men stare at a buxom brunette who's strutting by.) SETZER: OH my. Very nice... she can't be wearing more than twenty, thirty pixels' worth of purple... EDGAR: Hose me down! LOCKE: I'd like to congratulate the men who animated HER! (The brunette stops dead, then strides straight towards the little group.) LOCKE: Er... guys... don't look now, but I believe we've been made... SETZER: What? Oh... shit! SABIN: Uh... what do we do now? BRUNETTE: Hey, guys. Haven't seen you in a while, how's tricks? EDGAR: ...? SABIN: Pardon me, do we know you? BRUNETTE: 'Pardon me, do we know you?' LOCKE: ... Gogo?! EDGAR: GOGO?! SETZER: Sheesh, Edgar, now YOU sound like Gogo. SABIN: Gogo! It's good to see you! LOCKE: Yeah, good to see... uh... all of you! (EDGAR stares dumbfounded at GOGO.) GOGO: Yeah, I gave up that Mime schtick... those robes were bloody hot. SETZER: So what do you do now? GOGO: Oh, I play NPC roles... usually 'Town Bimbo'. It's a living. EDGAR: Dah... dah... GOGO: What's with him? LOCKE: Oh, he likes to think he can smell a pretty girl a mile away... SETZER: He missed YOU, though. GOGO: Well, I think I've guaranteed he'll never miss me again. (EDGAR nods violently.) GOGO: Anyway, I have to get going, I have an audition in twenty... I'll catch you guys later. (GOGO struts away.) EDGAR: Dahhhhhh. LOCKE: Damn, man, snap out of it. SETZER: Don't interrupt me, I'm watching her leave. (All four men watch GOGO until she's out of sight.) SABIN: Wasn't it nice to see Gogo again? EDGAR: YES. LOCKE: Definitely. SETZER: Hootchy cootchy mama! LOCKE: ... what the hell does THAT mean, Setzer? EDGAR: No shit. You gamblers always talk so weird. SETZER: Woop! Woop! Incoming blonde alert! EDGAR: Blonde! Where? LOCKE: OH baby. I love my blondes when they wear green! SABIN: We know, Locke. SETZER: Daaaaaaamn, wrap it up, I'll take it home with me! EDGAR: Just let me get THAT into my castle! SABIN: Er... EDGAR: Oh BABY! Shake that over THIS way! SABIN: Big brother? EDGAR: Not now! I'm on FIRE! SABIN: EDGAR! EDGAR: What?! Sheesh! SABIN: Isn't that Celes? EDGAR: Of course not. I've stared at Celes' butt plenty in my day, and that ain't it. LOCKE: ... Excuse me? SETZER: Nope, and Celes' boobs aren't quite that big. LOCKE: EXCUSE me? EDGAR: True, very true... but Celes has those nice, round, firm boobs... a perfect double handful. LOCKE: You BASTARD! (LOCKE tackles EDGAR. A short, vicious fistfight ensues.) SABIN: Shouldn't we stop them? SETZER: What for? He deserves it. SABIN: ...Which he? SETZER: You pick. EDGAR: OW! By node! LOCKE: You keep your lecherous mitts OFF my pseudo-girlfriend! SABIN: So... it's all right to make disgusting sexist comments about passing women as long as we don't know them. SETZER: Exactly. If we DO know a particular girl, we have a long, serious, sober discussion about her various merits. SABIN: Except if her boyfriend is present. SETZER: Depends on the boyfriend. (The fistfight ends. EDGAR staggers to his feet with a vicious nosebleed. LOCKE stands up a moment later, nursing the beginnings of a black eye.) EDGAR: Bathtard. LOCKE: Lech. SABIN: So... what you're saying is that... now that we know the brunette was Gogo, we need to switch from lewd comments to lengthy commentary. SETZER: I think you're getting the hang of this! (CURTAIN.) |
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===== COMMENTS: Yet another mediocre parody that I couldn't figure out how to end. Bleagh. Admittedly, there are a couple of decent lines in here, but not enough to really support the fic. |