| FF6: Crash!
This one starts off a bit slow, explodes into cursing and meanness shortly thereafter, and ends kind of oddly. It's also pretty long. Several spoilers, some of the most gratuitous cursing I've ever used, but not too much violence. =====
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| (SCENE: A grassy field. A few people are dragging themselves from the
remains of a twisted, burning hulk that used to be a large airship.)
(SETZER stands up shakily and coughs, brushing off his coat. Behind him, LOCKE, RELM, STRAGO, and CYAN are also beginning to get to their feet.) SETZER: All right, whose bright idea was it to let Umaro drive? LOCKE: Don't look at ME. You haven't let me have any say in the driving of that thing since I buzzed Narshe that one time. SETZER: Are you saying that was a bad move on my part? You did take off half of Arvis' roof... STRAGO: Ooogh... *cough* I'm getting too old for this... RELM: I'll say you are, old man. You break anything? If you did, I'll get Edgar to come put you out of your misery. STRAGO: Bah, I'm fine, you little wretch. Where's Edgar anyway? CYAN: Verily, I doth not know. I count five of the fourteen of us, including thee. LOCKE: Five? Bloody hell. And where's the equipment guy? CYAN: Ah, I thanketh thee for the reminder, Sir Locke. Fifteen of us, therefore. (All five of them stare at the burning wreck for a moment. STRAGO moves
forward and summons his 'Aqua Rake', putting out the fires.)
LOCKE: What the? SETZER: Shit! Get DOWN! (All five people throw themselves flat as the middle of the wreck explodes outwards. A slender, naked white form with explosive pink hair bursts into the sky and streaks off northwards.) LOCKE: Shit! SHIT! We lost Terra AGAIN! SETZER: She ALWAYS does that at the worst possible times... VOICE: Ugggh... (LOCKE whips around, discovering EDGAR, who was thrown out of the wreckage by TERRA's violent departure.) LOCKE: Edgar! Are you okay? EDGAR: Ow... I think I broke some ribs... LOCKE: Ack. Hang on. I think I have the Phoenix esper around here somewhere. (LOCKE kneels over EDGAR, trying to summon up a Cure spell.) LOCKE: Damn... no good... I guess I need to get into more fights. SETZER: Oh, here, let me. (SETZER casually slaps EDGAR with a Cure 3.) EDGAR: Ahhhhh... thank you, Setzer. If we get out of all this alive, I'll knight you. (LOCKE pouts.) (Meanwhile, STRAGO, RELM, and CYAN are digging in the wreckage of the airship. After a relatively short time, they manage to unearth MOG.) MOG: Kupo! What a ride! Better than slam-dancing! RELM: Uh... yeah, whatever. CYAN: Over here, mine compatriots, I believe I hath found someone! (The four of them, now including MOG, dig around, eventually unearthing SABIN.) STRAGO: King Edgar! Are you all right? (RELM whacks STRAGO on the back on the head.) RELM: Are you blind, old man? That's not Edgar, that's Sabin! MOG: Yeah, kupo. Not like they look anything alike, kupo. STRAGO: Well, they're both blond, aren't they? RELM: So's Celes. Doesn't mean anything. STRAGO: Yes, well, I have my own theories about that. RELM: Keep your dumb-ass theories to yourself, old man. STRAGO: I do wish you'd stop calling me 'old man', Relm. CYAN: Verily, Sir Strago, this doth be an RPG; anyone that doth be over the age of 25 doth be an 'old man'... excepting perhaps those that doth be female... RELM: Argh! Would you cut it out with the 'doths' already? I'm gonna puke! MOG: Yeah! Kupoppo! SABIN: Could you guys maybe stop arguing long enough to get this beam off my arms? RELM: Oh yeah... (Meanwhile: EDGAR stands up, wincing a bit.) SETZER: They seem to have found your brother, Edgar. EDGAR: Oh, good... SETZER: They found that moogle thing, too. EDGAR: ... Is it dead? SETZER: No. EDGAR: Damn the luck. He's cuter than I am... no girls ever pay attention to me when Mog's around. LOCKE: Oh, I weep for you. EDGAR: Maybe instead of weeping for me you ought to be looking for your lady love. LOCKE: ... CELES! Aaaaaaagh! EDGAR: First one of us that finds her gets to keep her! (EDGAR rushes off towards the wreckage.) LOCKE: No fair! You bastard! I have DIBS! (LOCKE races off after EDGAR.) SETZER: ... Well, she DOES look like Maria. (SETZER follows them.) (Everyone begins digging in the wreckage. After a little while:) UMARO: Uuuuuuuugh... MOG: Kupo! Kupoppo ku kupo! LOCKE: Damn, you're not Celes. UMARO: Ugh? MOG: Kupoooooo! UMARO: Ugh! Uuugh ugh ugh uuu! MOG: Kupo? KUPO! UMARO: ...ugh... RELM: CAN I PUKE NOW? God, stop being so CUTE! Ergh! (A little later:) EDGAR: Hey, I found someone! GOGO: Hey, I've been found by someone! EDGAR: Oh, it's just Gogo. (EDGAR lets the section of flooring fall back onto GOGO.) LOCKE: DAMN, Edgar! What'd you do that for? EDGAR: It's just GOGO, Locke. I can't even tell if it's female. Why should I rescue it? LOCKE: Because it might be lying on top of Celes? EDGAR: ... Good point. (EDGAR digs out GOGO.) EDGAR: ... Damn again. No Celes. GOGO: ... Damn again. EDGAR: Oh, just shut up. GOGO: Just shut up. EDGAR: Freak. GOGO: Freak. (Later:) VOICE: Awooooh~! RELM: Found Gau! LOCKE: So? (Later:) SETZER: So who are we still missing? LOCKE: Uhhhh... EDGAR: Celes. LOCKE: We KNEW that, Edgar. SETZER: But who else? Damn, with fourteen of us, it's really hard to keep track... CYAN: I doth beg your pardon, Sir Setzer, but it doth be fifteen brave souls that thou seekest, since thou must also seekest He Who Removes Our Equipment... SETZER: Wha? Dammit... Edgar, do you speak Medieval Wuss? EDGAR: He said that there are fifteen, not fourteen, since the guy who removes all our stuff when we're not looking is also missing. SETZER: How did I know you'd understand that? EDGAR: Are you implying that I'm a wuss? I think you can FORGET that knighthood, Setzer. SETZER: Implying, hell. I'll just say so. You're a wuss king, Edgar. EDGAR: Yeah, well, you're a broken-down gambler without an airship, and you dress far too well to be heterosexual... SABIN: Edgar! That was a crude and narrow-minded thing to say! EDGAR: I'm a little CRANKY lately! We only have three chicks to go around, maybe four, depending on what's under Gogo's... uh... clothes, and one's turned pink and flown off, one's jailbait, and one's still buried under the wreckage somewhere! LOCKE: Aaaaaa! Celes! EDGAR: All the girls at Figaro Castle look alike, but at least it's a CUTE alike! And there are plenty to go around! Dammit! SETZER: Are you calling me gay? EDGAR: Well, hell, it'd double your chances of getting laid in THIS crew, wouldn't it?! (SABIN thumps EDGAR on the head.) SABIN: Big brother! Remember our ESRB rating! (EDGAR subsides, muttering.) SETZER: We'll talk about this later, Wuss King. EDGAR: Damn straight, Gay Gambler. LOCKE: Look, this is all really funny, but we're getting off the point... who else are we missing besides Celes?! EDGAR: Um... SETZER: Hm... CYAN: Please, Sir Locke, doth not be forgetting He Who Removes Our Equipment. LOCKE: Yeah, yeah, Cyan, I got it. EDGAR: See, Locke understands Cyan too. LOCKE: Just don't START! God! MOG: Where's Terra, kupo? SETZER: She went pink and flew off. MOG: Again? Kupo? She's sexier in pink, kupo, but she always flies off somewhere annoying... UMARO: Ugh. MOG: Yeah, Umaro, she get my moogle blood hot when she's pink, kupo... RELM: Oh, I do NOT want to hear this. I'm gonna puke. MOG: What? Pink is sexy! I mean, look at me, kupo! I'm pink, and I'm kupo sexy! RELM: You're a goddamn teddy bear with wings and a Christmas tree ornament stuck on your head! MOG: Yeah! Kupo! But I sure am hot, kupo, when I do my Boudoir Dance! (RELM bolts off to puke.) EDGAR (to LOCKE): What does 'kupo' mean, anyway? LOCKE (to EDGAR): I think it means 'fuck'. EDGAR (to LOCKE): Uh... I see. (SABIN snaps his fingers.) SABIN: Shadow! Where's Shadow? SETZER: That's right! Where's the ninja? LOCKE: We haven't even found his DOG yet... EDGAR: So: Celes, Shadow, Interceptor and the equipment guy... anyone else? LOCKE: I don't think so. EDGAR: Right, let's get to work. (Much later:) EDGAR: It's no good... they're just... gone. LOCKE: Celes.... waaaaaaah! SETZER: Geez, Locke, control yourself. SABIN: Over here! I found someone! (Everyone rushes over.) CYAN: It doth be He Who Removes Our Equipment! RELM: ... Dead as a doornail. LOCKE: Aaaaagh... dammit... not Celes... EDGAR: I guess we better raise him. LOCKE: ... Do we have to? EDGAR: Why the hell not, Locke? SETZER: Locke's jealous, that's why. The equipment guy could steal ALL our stuff AND espers simultaneously. Compared to him, Locke's just a two-bit... treasure hunter. LOCKE: SHUT UP! SABIN: You're being pretty offensive today, Setzer. SETZER: This is the SECOND airship I've lost to you crazy people! I'm a bit UPSET! EDGAR: What, you don't have another dead girlfriend to rob? SETZER: SHUT UP! (Later:) EDGAR: I'm sorry, Locke. I just can't find her anywhere. LOCKE: I can't believe she's dead... EDGAR: Why not? You believed she was dead for a year the last time... LOCKE: Yeah, but... we didn't find her, did we? So she must still be alive! (SCENE: The Inn at Jidoor, in a fancy suite.)
CELES: ... I can't believe it was that easy to slip away from them... but like I said, I'm a sucker for a mysterious man, and they don't come more mysterious than you. Come here, you. SHADOW: I don't understand your motivations, but I'm not about to pass a chance like this up... CELES: Good. Now come here. I'm dying to find out what's under that tight black ninja suit of yours... SHADOW: Uh... as to that... there's something you ought to know. CELES: Later. (SHADOW joins CELES on the bed. CELES leans forward to kiss him, simultaneously reaching out to pull his mask away from his face...) CELES: AAAAAA! You're BLUE! SHADOW: That's what I was trying to tell you. I wasn't always blue, but when Anthology came along... they turned me blue. I don't understand it. CELES: You're BLUE! SHADOW: Yes. Yes, I'm blue. My skin is blue. CELES: I don't think I can deal with this... SHADOW: I think it's a bit late for recriminations. CELES: What do you mean? You've run off at least five times before, once to work for our enemies, and they always just happily accept you back! Come on, let's get going... Locke may be grubby, but he's not BLUE. SHADOW: ... I find I must ask. Why do you persist in sticking with Locke when Edgar is so obviously in lust with you, and is a king to boot? (CELES stops dead.) CELES: I... I don't know, Shadow. I never thought of it that way before. I guess it's because no one ever treats Edgar like a king... but he IS a king, you're right. Hm. SHADOW: And you could easily have had Setzer, as well, and traveled the world in style, attending glamorous parties, living the high life... CELES: ... SHADOW: Plus there was all that time, there after the crash, when you were traveling around alone with Sabin. Did you not take advantage of that? CELES: ... SHADOW: And I'm certain that if you 'comforted' Cyan you could work something out there, as well. And yet, you stick with Locke. A grubby little thief. Not that I have much room to talk, but... still. CELES: ... SHADOW: As I said, I fear I will never understand your motivations. (SHADOW leaps out the window and vanishes, leaving CELES standing there lost in thought.) CELES: ... Damn. Damn. DAMN. (CURTAIN.) |
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===== COMMENTS: Hee... this was fun to write. I didn't think it was going to go anywhere, and then Locke yelled, 'You bastard! I have DIBS!' and the fic took off. Why is it that so many of my fics involve the various characters being mean to each other? Because it's fun! |