Not too many spoilers, really...
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(The emcee, RICH KNIGHTS, appears on stage to thunderous applause.)

RICH: Hell-OOO, and welcome to the Dating Game! I'm your host, Rich Knights, and we have a wonderful show for you tonight! First, let me introduce our bachelors for tonight, Bachelor Number One describes himself as a hot-tempered blond with a passion for life and big mechanical devices! Bachelor Number One - Bartholomew Fatima!

(BART bounds on stage and gives the camera a big thumbs up.)

BART: Hiya Rich! Bring on the babes!

(BART flops into his chair and grins at the audience.)

RICH: Aaaand Bachelor Number Two - described by friends as quiet and reserved, but with a wild past behind him! Please welcome Blue Thunder himself - Flik!

(FLIK stomps onto the stage and flings himself into his chair.)

RICH: Flik! Do you have any words for our studio audience before we start?

FLIK: Yeah. Don't EVER make a bet with Viktor when you're drunk. He cheats like a bas...

RICH: WHOA there! Oooookay! And finally, last but not least, Bachelor Number Three! Ladies, he's a heartthrob straight out of Stoker! We couldn't find out a darned thing about his past, but his presence is amazing! Ha ha! Ladies and gentlemen, Bachelor Number Three, Alucard!

(ALUCARD steps out of the shadows and settles silently into his chair.)

RICH: Alucard! Do YOU have any words for our studio audience?

ALUCARD: No.

RICH: ... Okay! Let's get this show on the road! Our lucky lady for this evening is... well, she's SOMETHING! And I ought to know! She's a firecracker in a teeny tiny little yellow dress! Everyone welcome... Selphie Tilmitt!

(SELPHIE runs onstage, beaming and waving happily, and bounces up and down in place!)

SELPHIE: Booyaka! I'm so stoked to be here, Rich! Eeee!

(RICH eventually gets SELPHIE to settle down into her chair.)

RICH: So, Selphie! Why don't you tell us a little about what you're looking for tonight?

SELPHIE: Um, well, I'm looking for someone handsome! And he better not play around on me, or like guns, or anything like that.

RICH: Um, okay! Well, our three bachelors are definitely handsome! And they're all just dying to meet you!

ALUCARD: I am?

FLIK: Gah, I think I'm going to be sick.

BART: What's WRONG with you two? It's a babe!

FLIK: Oh, get stuffed.

BART: I'm hoping to! Yeehah!

ALUCARD: ...

RICH: Let's get this show on the road! Selphie, what's your first question?

SELPHIE: Um... okay... this one's for Bachelor Number One!

BART: Yes!

SELPHIE: Bachelor Number One: If we were stranded together on a desert island, what's the one thing you'd want to have with us?

BART: That's easy! I'd want to have my ship, the Yggdrasil! We could sunbathe naked together on the top deck... woo!

SELPHIE: Oooo! Okay, Bachelor Number Two:

(FLIK groans.)

SELPHIE: If I were an ice-cream cone, how would you lick me?

RICH: Woooooo!

(The audience howls. FLIK turns red.)

FLIK: I'd... probably just bite off a huge chunk, actually. My teeth aren't really sensitive to cold.

SELPHIE: Um... Bachelor Number Three!

(ALUCARD sits up and appears to be politely listening.)

SELPHIE: ... Um, so, Bachelor Number Three: what's your idea of a perfect date?

ALUCARD: I would have to say... a secluded little night spot and a bite to eat. Perhaps after that, a long flight in the moonlight.

SELPHIE: Wow! Same question to Bachelor Number One!

BART: Uhh... going to the Festival at Aveh together, and maybe after that going for a long swim! Then dinner at the Palace! Then... my Imperial Suite! Cha-ching!

SELPHIE: Booya! Um... same question, Bachelor Number Two!

FLIK:My idea of a perfect date?

SELPHIE: Yep!

FLIK: One with Odessa.

SELPHIE: ...

RICH: Moving right along!

SELPHIE: Bachelor Number One! If I were music, what instrument would you play me on?

BART: The organ! Wooo!

SELPHIE: Eeee! Naughty!

ALUCARD: Odd... that would also have been my answer.

FLIK: ...

SELPHIE: Ummmm. Bachelor Number Three... what kind of woman do you prefer? Barbie doll slender or baby doll plump?

ALUCARD: Living. I definitely prefer living women.

RICH: Now, Alucard, answer the question!

ALUCARD: I did... oh, very well. I prefer the... Barbie doll.

(ALUCARD looks vaguely disgusted.)

SELPHIE: Oh... dear... Bachelor Number Two...

FLIK: Argh. What now?

SELPHIE: If you could do ONE thing with me... what would that be?

BART: I know what I'd say.

FLIK: One thing?

SELPHIE: Just one thing!

FLIK: I think I would... use your wriggling body to beat Viktor slowly and painfully to death for making me come on this show.

SELPHIE: ...

RICH: Now, now, Bachelor Number Two!

FLIK: Would you stop calling me that?!

SELPHIE: Um... um... Bachelor Number One!

BART: Yo!

SELPHIE: If I asked you to beat up Bachelor Number Two for me, would you do it?

BART: Sure!

FLIK: Hey!

ALUCARD: Tch.

SELPHIE: Hee! Bachelor Number Three: what's your idea of the perfect woman?

ALUCARD: My mother.

SELPHIE: ... Your mother?

ALUCARD: Yes, she was a wonderful woman.

SELPHIE: Uh... Bachelor Number Two?

FLIK: ...Yes?

SELPHIE: Why are you being such a putz?

FLIK: Because I don't want a date! I don't want to be here!

SELPHIE: Oh. Um. Bachelor Number One?

BART: Yeah?

SELPHIE: If we were animals, what kind of animals would we be?

BART: Easy! You'd be a fox and I'd be a wolf! Aroooooo!

SELPHIE: ... No more questions, Rich! I've made up my mind!

RICH: Terrific, Selphie! So which lucky bachelor will it be? Bachelor Number One, Bachelor Number Two, or Bachelor Number Three?

SELPHIE: None of 'em! I want you! You've got the cuuuutest little goatee...

RICH: ... Hot damn!

BART: WHAT?!

(FLIK bursts out laughing.)

ALUCARD: Well, I certainly didn't see that coming.

BART: No fair!

RICH: Well, that's our show for... *mmmmph* today, folks! Be sure to... oooooh... join us next time, assuming I'm still able to... (ack, not on camera, Selphie!) walk! G'bye!

SELPHIE: Booyaka!

(CURTAIN.)

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