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EIKO: So... so you're saying you won't be my boyfriend.

ZIDANE: 'Fraid so.

EIKO: But... but why not? I thought men were supposed to really be into younger women! I thought it was all the rage!

ZIDANE: Well, first of all, I'm not a man, I'm a teenaged lab experiment with a tail. And secondly... Eiko, you know when they were referring to younger women? They didn't mean eight-year-olds.

EIKO: I'm SIX!

ZIDANE: Oh, geez, even worse. Look, I can't be your boyfriend, okay?

EIKO: No, it's NOT okay! Why won't you be my boyfriend?

(EIKO's voice rises steadily until every other member of the party is peering out, trying to figure out what's going on.)

ZIDANE: Calm down! Calm down! Okay, look, I didn't want to tell you this, but... I can't be your boyfriend because Garnet and I are married.

(EIKO is silent for a moment. Then...)

EIKO (in a ringing voice that echoes from the mountains around): YOU'RE WHAT?!

(ZIDANE winces. Several of the moogles fall over in twitching fits. QUINA falls off the balcony and lands in the river.)

ZIDANE: Well, see... we had to get married before the Conde Petie people would let us through to the Iifa Tree, right? Remember?

EIKO: ... oh.

ZIDANE: So... I'm a married man. Well, more or less.

EIKO: Well... well... then Vivi's my boyfriend!

ZIDANE: Uh, I hate to break it to you...

EIKO: What?! Are you married to Vivi too?!

ZIDANE: Um. No.

EIKO: Then what IS it?

ZIDANE: Vivi's... um... Vivi's married to Quina.

EIKO: Okay, now you're pulling my leg, right?

ZIDANE: ... No. They couldn't get through Conde Petie unless...

(EIKO buries her head in her arms.)

EIKO: Fine! FINE! If I can't have you, and I can't have Vivi, then I'll have Amarant!

AMARANT: Not in a million years, kid.

(EIKO launches herself through the air and latches onto AMARANT's leg with a deathgrip.)

AMARANT: What? Hey! Let go!

EIKO: No! You're my BOYFRIEND now! And I'm not letting go until you say that you love me!

AMARANT: Ack! Someone get it OFF me! Gedditoff gedditoff GEDDITOFF!

ZIDANE: Eiko... has anyone ever told you that that's not the proper way to catch a boyfriend?

EIKO: Sure it is! The moogles do this all the time!

ZIDANE: ... I... I don't want to know.

AMARANT: For GOD'S SAKE! SOMEONE GET IT OFF ME!

(AMARANT hops around wildly on one leg, shaking the other in a futile attempt to dislodge EIKO. EIKO just clings tighter.)

GARNET: Oh dear. Um. Freya, can you go get Quina out of the river? I'll handle this...

(FREYA leaps down into the river. GARNET approaches the gesticulating AMARANT and grabs EIKO around the waist. After a bit of pulling, EIKO comes free, and AMARANT hastily crosses to the other side of the room and tries to soothe his ruffled dignity. Soon, he reclaims his cool.)

EIKO: Hey! Put me back on MY BOYFRIEND!

(AMARANT winces visibly and cringes away. LANI, watching from the balcony, busts out laughing.)

AMARANT: You're not helping, you know.

LANI: So?

(GARNET retains -- barely -- her deathgrip on the struggling shrieking EIKO. After a few minutes, EIKO runs out of steam and slumps in GARNET's arms.)

GARNET: Are you going to behave?

EIKO: Yeah, I'll behave, I'll behave. Put me down.

(GARNET puts EIKO down. EIKO immediately shrieks 'BOYFRIEND!' at the top of her lungs and launches herself at AMARANT. AMARANT shrieks like a dying moogle and lunges through the door, EIKO in hot pursuit. GARNET stares after them in disbelief. After a moment, STEINER appears through the door, carrying a fighting clawing wildcat of an EIKO.)

STEINER: Did you lose this, my princess?

GARNET: Um, yes. Thank you, Steiner. Eiko, I thought you said you'd behave!

EIKO: I did! I behaved badly!

GARNET: Um. That you did. Steiner, did you see where Amarant went?

STEINER: I believe he's attempting to scale the cliffs, my princess.

GARNET: Well, here, give me Eiko, and then see if you can't talk him down.

STEINER: Yes, my princess.

(STEINER hands over the sulking EIKO and heads out. FREYA jumps back out of the river, towing a soggy QUINA with a fish in its mouth. FREYA glances over at GARNET and EIKO and quickly heads out, QUINA still in tow.)

QUINA: Wait! I catch MORE fish!

(GARNET looks over her shoulder at ZIDANE, still standing there looking boggled at his near-escape.)

GARNET: Zidane, what am I going to do? We can't keep on like this, Amarant will have a heart attack...

ZIDANE: Hm... I think I have an idea. Eiko? How about this?

(SCENE: Inside the Iifa Tree. ZIDANE, GARNET, EIKO, and AMARANT are all standing here, facing KUJA in all his red-furred Trance glory. Long reddish hair swirls gently in the wind, and two enormous emerald eyes regard the party laughingly. A luxurious tail licks about his legs.)

KUJA: So. Here we all are, my brother. You cannot kill me. You cannot stop  me.

ZIDANE: Oh yeah? NOW, Amarant!

(AMARANT grabs EIKO by the scruff of her neck and throws her at KUJA, as hard as he can.)

EIKO: BOOOOOOOOYFRIEND!

(EIKO collides with KUJA with an audible thud and instantly wraps herself around his leg in a major deathgrip. His tail seems to be caught in her grip as well. KUJA's eyes widen in disbelief.)

KUJA: ... what?

EIKO: You're my BOYFRIEND! My BOYFRIEND FOREVER! Now you gotta say you love me or I'll SCREAM!

KUJA: Get off me.

EIKO: That wasn't 'I love you!' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~!

KUJA: Get off me! Get it OFF ME!

AMARANT: Funny, that's what I said.

EIKO: I wuv you! Zidane was right, you're the prettiest boyfriend EVER! Huggle huggle!

KUJA: GEDDITOFFME! AAAAAAGH! I'm sorry I was such an ass! I'll be good! I'll wear pants! Just GET HER OFF ME!

(CURTAIN.)

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