| Valkyrie Profile: All Us Feathers
Hell, I haven't even finished Valkyrie Profile yet, but I already wrote a parody of certain events in the middle of the game. It was BEGGING to be parodied. Yeah, some spoilers... you'll want to be on Disc 2, at least. =====
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| (SCENE: A dark, dank cave, oddly two-dimensional. A silver-haired woman
in armor is walking into the cave, when she strikes a large crab.)
VALKYRIE: To my side, my noble Einherjar! (poof! poof! poof!) ARNGRIM: Again? Seems like I'm always running out here to save your ass. KASHELL: Honestly, bitch, bitch, bitch. It's a pain being the feather next to you. YUMEI: Hey, guys, could we maybe concentrate on the monsters? Mystic Cross! (All the giant crabs are blown away.) ARNGRIM: What the hell for? It's always the same thing. We get called out to deal with monsters, you cast some spell, they die. Why the hell do I bother carrying around this twelve-foot-long sword anyway? KASHELL: In case we need to pole-vault over something? ARNGRIM: Oh, shut up. YUMEI: It's not like you have room to talk, Kashell. We could surf on yours. VALKYRIE: Yo, noble Einherjar and all that. Shut up! We've got monsters to fight! KASHELL: Eeeep! Yes ma'am! Right away! ARNGRIM: Suck-up. YUMEI: Yeah, that's why he fights all crouched down like that. ARNGRIM: Why, he can't lift his sword? YUMEI: No, so he can kiss Valkyrie's ass. KASHELL: Damn you, SHUT UP! VALKYRIE: ALL OF YOU shut up! Get back in my wings! (VALKYRIE continues on into the cave. Suddenly she comes across the body of a dead sorcerer, with his spirit standing next to it.) SPIRIT: Warrior Maiden! I tried to seal the cave, and I failed... (KASHELL, LLEWELYN, and JELANDA pop out of VALKYRIE's wings.) VALKYRIE: No, no, it's not a fight. Calm down. JELANDA: Can't I burn him anyway?! Huh? HUH? LLEWELYN: No! Geez, calm down! JELANDA: Can I at least throw my scepter at him?! VALKYRIE: No. JELANDA: Aww. (KASHELL appears to be scrutinizing the body closely.) VALKYRIE: Kashell, is there a problem? KASHELL: Uh, no... I was just wondering... VALKYRIE: What? (KASHELL pokes the dead body.) KASHELL: Can you pick this up and throw it? VALKYRIE: I don't know yet. I'll try in a moment. SPIRIT: H-Hey! JELANDA: Hey, you never know. We might HAVE to throw your body somewhere in order to win the game. KASHELL: It's happened before. VALKYRIE: Pipe down! I have to talk to this spirit to advance the plot and get a key item! (Everyone pipes down.) VALKYRIE: Okay, you were saying? SPIRIT: Well, um... I was trying to save us all... to close the cave... VALKYRIE: Get to the damn point. I only have a hundred or so periods left. SPIRIT: So... you have a hundred... months? VALKYRIE: ... What? (JELANDA turns bright red.) JELANDA: Um... um... never mind that! Not months! Not that! Never mind! VALKYRIE: Jelanda, what is WRONG with you? JELANDA: I'll tell you later! VALKYRIE: Right. Anyway. I don't have long, so just hand over whatever it is and I'll let you get back to haunting your dead body. (The SPIRIT hands over a key.) VALKYRIE: Great. Thanks. SPIRIT: Hey, aren't you going to take me with you? You're supposed to claim people when they die! VALKYRIE: I claim HEROES when they die, not failures. You can't be very important anyway, you don't have a huge facial graphic. SPIRIT: ... JELANDA: Or a name. KASHELL: Or a sword bigger than your torso. SPIRIT: Oh, thank you VERY much. I died trying to save us all! Isn't that even a LITTLE heroic? VALKYRIE: Well, yes, but let's not get carried away. The Gods say you're not an Einherjar, so you stay here. SPIRIT: Damn! (CURTAIN.) |
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===== COMMENTS: Well, the game DOES get harder than I make it out to be in the first half... anyway, this is just a collection of random gags, but I like it fine. ^_^ |