| Gundam Wing: Duo's Little Mission
So, anyway, Cartoon Network just aired the last episode of Gundam Wing a couple of days ago. Since I'd been following it this time around, I was inspired to write a little something... Spoilers abound, as usual. Hell, the basic setting is a spoiler. If you haven't seen the entire series... don't read this. Oh, and... some sexual references. Ahem. ===== |
| (SCENE: The control room of the Peacemilion. The door opens and DUO
MAXWELL floats in, helmet under his arm.)
DUO: I'm baaa-aaa... (DUO's words taper off abruptly as it dawns on him that the control room is mostly empty. The only occupant is NOIN, typing on a control panel at one end of the room.) NOIN: Hey, Duo. DUO: Hey. Where IS everybody, anyway? NOIN: Oh, you know, the usual. DUO: Oh... so... where's Heero? NOIN: Brooding. DUO: Trowa? NOIN: Primping. DUO: Quatre? NOIN: Fretting. DUO: Wu-Fei? NOIN: Sulking. Oh, wait, he calls it 'meditating'. DUO: Ah. NOIN: Anyway, I think they're all in the lounge. DUO: Uh... thanks, Noin. (SCENE: The pilots' lounge aboard the Peacemilion. As DUO enters, we see WU-FEI, floating a few feet above the ground in the lotus position; QUATRE and TROWA, playing chess with each other; and HEERO, tipped back in his chair staring at nothing with a brooding expression on his face.) WU-FEI: ... (TROWA moves a rook.) TROWA: ... QUATRE: ... HEERO: ...... DUO: Ah, home sweet home... I'm baaaa-aaack! QUATRE: Duo! TROWA: Hey, Duo. HEERO: Hey. WU-FEI: ... DUO: Geez, lighten up, you guys. Anything happen while I was gone? QUATRE: No, nothing we couldn't handle... (WU-FEI opens his eyes.) WU-FEI: Trowa walked into a wall again. DUO: Damn! Again? Trowa, man, I know the girls dig your hair, but you GOTTA get it cut... those bangs of yours are dangerous! TROWA: No harm done. (TROWA turns to gaze at DUO, his hair instantly shifting from one side of his head to the other like something out of a Dali painting.) TROWA: So how'd your mission go? DUO: Sweet as sugar, my man... I got all the information we need AND I got to blow up fourteen Mobile Dolls! TROWA: ... QUATRE: Uh... Duo... we just sent you to find out where our pizzas were. DUO: So I took a detour. No big deal, right? Maaan, I love destruction... WU-FEI: So where ARE these pizzas? DUO: Uh... well... okay, so I blew up the pizza shop too. But there are fourteen fewer Mobile Dolls in the world today, thanks to Duo Master of Destruction! TROWA: Master of Disaster is more like it... WU-FEI: I knew something like this would happen. QUATRE: Oh, well... Oz-rations for dinner again... DUO: Ewwwww. QUATRE: Hey, it's your own fault, Duo. DUO: Yeah, well... WU-FEI: Duo, you are the most undisciplined warrior I have ever met. You are unworthy of being a Gundam pilot. DUO: Whooooaa, my man Wu-Fei! Sounds like SOMEONE's kind of upset about being the only Gundam pilot without a love interest! WU-FEI: I have no need of a love interest. War is my mistress. The art of fighting is my lover. DUO: Yeah, man, but I bet she can't give a blowjob worth a damn... (WU-FEI glares icily at DUO for a moment, then stalks out of the room.) QUATRE: Duo, weren't you a bit hard on him? DUO: Awww, hell no. The boy's got a major stick up his butt and he can't grow hair worth a damn. Got a little tufty ponytail like the business end of a paintbrush back there... TROWA: Just because you can grow your hair so well doesn't give you cause to pick on Wu-Fei. We need him in the battle to come, when we all will decide for Earth and for the colonies whether peace is truly the answer... DUO: Whoa, whoa, WHOA there Trowa! Save that stuff for the voice-over! QUATRE: Um... besides, Duo, I don't have a love interest either... DUO: Suuure you do! We just haven't had that episode yet. QUATRE: I do? (QUATRE starts flipping through his script.) DUO: Yeah, man! A'course, first she's got to stick you in the side with a sword... QUATRE: What? You mean... DOROTHY is my love interest? DUO: You got it! QUATRE: But... but... she has those evil forked eyebrows! And no pupils! And she hates me! And she's got a thing for Tres that's about the size of the Libra's main cannon! TROWA: Well, it's all kept fairly vague, like the rest of our relationships. QUATRE: Yeah, except Heero's. HEERO: ... DUO: What? Man, are you kidding me? His relationship with Relena consists of them staring hyper-dramatically out at the background and thinking each other's name about once an episode! (DUO strikes a pose, staring out into outer space, and mimics the voices of HEERO and RELENA.) DUO: 'Heero...' DUO: 'Relena.' (DUO drops back into his own voice.) DUO: What kind of a relationship is THAT? No nookie, man, no nookie! (DUO points at HEERO accusingly.) DUO: And then for variety he goes off and tries to assassinate her! That's about the vaguest relationship I've ever heard of! At least Hildy and I LIVED together for a while... and Trowa's babe likes to hug him to her breasts while he trembles like a little baby... TROWA: That was... low, Duo. DUO: Yeah, well, someone's got to be the comic relief around here! The rest of you are just little balls of angst that blow things UP occasionally. HEERO: I'm not that little. (Everyone else immediately shuts up and stares at HEERO.) DUO: Daaaaaamn, he said something... QUATRE: A-a-anyway... TROWA: Oh, forget it. Let's just go get something to eat. DUO: Right. About time. I'm starvin'! (QUATRE and DUO float gently out of the room. TROWA attempts to follow and smacks face-first into the wall, then manages to scrabble his way out of the room. HEERO remains tipped back in his chair, staring broodingly at the opposite wall. After a moment:) HEERO: Relena. (From outside the room, DUO's voice floats back...) DUO: See? Dammit, Heero, are you done? Going to come eat now? (HEERO stands and floats through the door, silent as usual.) (CURTAIN.) |
|
===== COMMENTS: This was actually easier to write than most of the RPG parodies, since I could 'hear' the voice actors in my mind as I was writing. Okay, so I had to watch the dub, but as dubs go, it was pretty good. I really have no clue if I was spelling the characters' names right, though, since I've never seen most of them in print... the only one I was really confused about was Noin/Noyne. Damned if I know. |