| Xenogears: Happy New Year!
Not precisely a companion piece to my Christmas poem, no. Just a bit of evilness... There are a few spoilers in here, yes. But hell, if you haven't played Xenogears by now, shame on you! ===== |
| (SCENE: A large stateroom aboard the Yggdrasil, dimly lit by the sun
coming through the curtains, which are tightly drawn. Clothes are strewn
everywhere, making amorphous lumps in the gloom. The room is dominated
by a huge bed, covered with a large lumpy comforter. BART is in this bed,
his face smashed into a pillow.)
(The door bursts open and CITAN strides in, awake, fully dressed, and obnoxiously cheerful.) CITAN: Good morning, Bart! Happy New Year! My, that was quite a party last night, wasn't it? Anyway, Sigurd wanted me to ask you if you... (BART lifts his bleary-eyed face from the pillow.) BART: (whispering) Citan, please be quiet... ow, my head... CITAN: Humph. I see someone had a little too much to DRINK last night! What have I told you about drinking plenty of water before you go to bed? BART: (forgetting to whisper) Citan, please shut UP! ... owwww.... CITAN: Well. I see. Why don't I give you a few minutes to pull yourself together? Sigurd would like to see you on the bridge. (CITAN leaves, not neglecting to slam the door behind him. BART winces.) VOICE: Ummmm... (One of the lumps in the comforter begins to move.) (BART yelps, startled, and stumbles out of the bed, falling to the ground. After a moment, he noticed that he's naked, and grabs a sheet.) BART: Who? Ow... (A hand claws its way out from under the comforter. After a moment, the comforter falls back and ELLY sits up, wearing only her extremely rumpled and tangled hair. She rubs at her eyes, mumbling.) ELLY: ... um... Fei?... ow, my head... BART: ELLY? Oh, my god... (BART clutches at his head.) ELLY: What? Bart, get out of here, I'm not wearing anything yet! Fei, tell Bart to get... um... this isn't my room. BART: It's mine... ELLY: Bart. What am I doing in your room? BART: I don't remember, but it seems kind of obvious... ELLY: No. No, this can't be happening. Nothing happened. I wouldn't... nothing happened. BART: Um... Elly... I think we had sex, Elly... ELLY: NOTHING HAPPENED, dammit, Bart! ... ow... yelling bad... BART: Elly... I'm -sticky-, Elly. How could I be sticky unless... ELLY: No! Nothing... nothing happened! I didn't find my perfect mate after a couple of thousand years only to lose him by sleeping with YOU! BART: Fine... whatever... ELLY: Now please hand me my clothes. (BART starts searching through the piles of clothes on the floor.) BART: What are you going to tell him? ELLY: TELL him? I'm not going to tell him anything, mister, and neither are you. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, we never came NEAR each other last night. BART: Uh... (The door slams open and CITAN barges merrily in again.) CITAN: Bart! Sigurd's getting terribly impatient, and he's not in the best of moods after last night's party, if you get my drift, which you certain ought to... why, Elly! ELLY: EEEEEEE! (ELLY clutches the blanket to her chest.) ELLY: Citan! Get OUT! CITAN: Elly? BART: Citan, please! OUT! CITAN: A... all right. (CITAN leaves again, too startled to slam the door. ELLY buries her face in her hands.) BART: Well, so much for THAT plan. ELLY: Oh god. Oh god. What am I going to do? How am I going to tell Fei that I slept with you? If I don't tell him Citan will... oh, I'm doomed... BART: Geez, calm down. It's not like we meant to, right? Fei'll be mad, but he'll eventually understand, right? ELLY: Are you kidding? He'll kill... you... hm. BART: Oh WHOA now! ELLY: Anyway, where are my clothes? BART: I'm looking, I'm looking... is this yours? ELLY: Yes, those are mine. Give me those. (BART passes the lacy pink panties marked 'Monday' to Elly.) ELLY: Honestly, Bart, this place is a sty. You must have the biggest stateroom on the Yggdrasil, and look what a mess it is! BART: Yeah, well, technically I'm the king of Aveh, remember? I don't usually have to clean up after myself. ELLY: That's right... I always forget you're royalty. You certainly don't act like it. BART: You sure you don't want to dump Fei for me? Queen Elly has a nice kind of ring to it... ELLY: Oh FUCK no! What the hell are you thinking, Bartholomew Fatima? Just because you're all muscular and tan and blond and royalty and... and... BART: Hmmmmmm? ELLY: N-nothing. Never mind. Where the hell is my dress? BART: No, no, I want you to finish what you were thinking! ELLY: Bart! Give me my dress! Before my head explodes! BART: Hmmmmmmmmmm? ELLY: All right! Fine! Just because I happen to find you attractive doesn't mean that I'm ever going to touch you again! I love Fei, and I'm going to stay with him, and that's that! Now GIVE ME MY GODDAMN DRESS! (Both BART and ELLY clutch at their heads as ELLY's shriek echoes through the cabin. After a moment, BART wordlessly passes ELLY her dress and her stockings.) ELLY: Thank you. Now if you'll excuse me. BART: Yeah... sure... listen, Elly, I'm sorry, okay? I'll be here if things really go badly for you, okay? ELLY: What, you mean if Fei DUMPS me because I slept with you? Oh, yes, I'm so likely to come running back to you. Now I have to go find Fei and attempt to explain this thing. (ELLY sweeps out of the room in a huff, leaving a dejected and still-naked BART looking confused and hung-over behind her. The door slams behind her; both BART and ELLY wince on either side of the closed door.) (SCENE: The small bar on the Yggdrasil. MAISON is off behind the bar, pointedly not listening to the conversation occuring between a wan FEI and CITAN.) FEI: Aw, god, Citan, how am I going to tell Elly that I got drunk last night and accidentally slept with Billy? She's going to kill me! CITAN: I wouldn't worry about it too much, Fei. I'm sure that somehow, she'll understand... |
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===== COMMENTS: Wow, a parody with an actual ENDING, more or less! This one was harder to write than I thought it would be... but I eventually hammered it into some semblance of what I wanted. It's clumsy in a few places, though. I did lift a line or two from a similar situation in Transmetropolitan (Warren Ellis/Darick Robertson, DC Comics), yes, for those of you who are observant. It seemed appropriate to me. Please don't sue me over the word 'sticky'. |