| Chrono Cross: Harle Le Quin
Admit it. The first time Harle opened her mouth and said something in that particular accent, this is what you thought of, right? Well, okay, maybe you didn't, but I did, so I'm going to inflict it on you now... Holy CATS spoilers from hell. Seriously. The second LINE in the parody
is a MAJOR MAJOR STORY SPOILER. While you don't necessarily have to have
finished the game to read this, it's recommended.
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| (SCENE: Aboard the band's ship, in NIKKI and MIKI's floofy dressing
room. At the moment, the only person here is LYNX (who, at this point,
is really SERGE). LYNX is draped catlike over the arm of the floofy couch,
looking somewhat sulky, although it's hard to really tell. After a moment,
with a slight shudder, he raises his hand to his mouth and starts to lick
the back of it.)
(The door opens, and NIKKI flounces in, carrying his guitar and waving over his shoulder to someone outside. LYNX jerks his hand away from his mouth. NIKKI beams mindlessly and pats LYNX on the head.) NIKKI: Awwww. Good kitty. Good kitty. Who's a cute kitty then? (Ignoring LYNX's frosty glare, NIKKI wanders over to the dressing table to touch up his makeup. As NIKKI leans forward to re-apply his bright red lipstick, HARLE pops out from below his dressing table.) HARLE: Ahhh, bonjour, Monsieur le Rocking-Star! You are looking quite ze beautiful today, no? (NIKKI leaps backwards, his painted eyes wide, smearing lipstick across his cheek.) NIKKI: AIEE! Help, HELP, it's a Harle! AIEEE! (NIKKI bolts out of the room as fast as he can go. LYNX looks startled. HARLE shrugs, worldweary.) HARLE: Ahh, zese rocking-stars, zey are all zo high-stringed, no? Alors! I make a joke! I am ze funny one, la? (HARLE turns to the mirror and touches up her own makeup. As she adds the finishing touches to her baroque eye makeup, she notices the reflection of LYNX in the mirror. LYNX is quietly licking the back of his hand again, although he still doesn't look too happy about it.) HARLE: And what is zis? A bee-yoo-ti-ful kitty just for me to be playing weeth! Oh, I am zo lucky! (Without another word, HARLE minces across the room and flings herself on LYNX, clinging to his waist with verve.) HARLE: Allo, bee-yoo-ti-ful! What a coincidence, ees it not? 'Ere you are, and you are bee-yoo-ti-ful, and zo am I! Come, let us make ze bee-yoo-ti-ful music togezer! Alors, I am seeing a guitar just 'ere! (LYNX struggles, eyes wide, but HARLE has his waist in a deathgrip and won't let go.) HARLE: Ah, come, come, my pretty one, do not fight! It eez fate! It eez destiny! Ah, l'amour! Ah, le toujours! We shall be as one forevair! LYNX: ! (LYNX grabs one of NIKKI's guitars -- which was indeed 'just 'ere' -- and wedges the body of the guitar between his waist and HARLE. Using the guitar as a crowbar, he starts trying to struggle free again.) HARLE: Ah, non non, mon petit de cabbage! Come, give over zis fooleeshness, and we shall run away to ze Casbah! (Suddenly, the guitar neck breaks off in LYNX's hand with a loud *SNAP-TWANG*. LYNX looks completely boggled for a moment, then starts beating HARLE about the head and shoulders with the guitar neck.) HARLE: You do not need to play ze hard to get, bee-yoo-ti-ful! Every blow ees a blow of love! I zhall be strong! I zhall ween you yet, my leetle peanut! LYNX: !!! (With a superhuman (supercat?) effort, LYNX braces his feet on HARLE's chest and shoves. He pops from HARLE's deathgrip and scrambles for the door, panting and terrified. But, before he can reach the door, HARLE effortlessly glides in front of it, and holds out her arms, beaming. LYNX desperately scrabbles at the floor in an attempt to put on the brakes, but he cannot stop in time, and he skids into HARLE's arms. HARLE now has LYNX's neck in a death grip.) HARLE: See! He comes to me, radiant with ze looove! Ah, I am ze irresistible! You are ze moon, mon petit, and I am ze June, no? You are ze banana and I am ze split! We were meant to be togezer! Love, ees it not wondairful? (It's hard to tell under all that brown fur, but LYNX is slowly turning purple in HARLE's grip. He struggles frantically, prying at HARLE's arm with his fingers.) HARLE: Oh? What is zis? The leetle one, he weeshes to hold my hand! 'ow sweet! Of course you may! (HARLE beams and lets go of LYNX, holding out one hand. LYNX promptly picks up the coffee table and smashes HARLE flat. Then LYNX leaps over the momentarily stunned HARLE and races out THROUGH the door without bothering to open it, yowling in terror.) HARLE: (slowly unflattening) Oh ho... he weeshes to play ze bashful lovair, and to be wooooooed! He weeshes me to chase heem to some romantic spot, la? Thees I shall do! Oh, I am coming, mon pumpkin d'amour! (HARLE straightens her poofy hat and steps out through the LYNX-shaped hole in the door. From outside, you hear screams of 'A Harle! Le run! Le run!' 'Au secours, helpez-us, helpez-us, un Harle!' and so on.) (SCENE: Fort Dragonia. HARLE is here, sashaying down the middle of a huge hallway. All the roaming monsters have flattened themselves against the walls in sheer terror, so HARLE passes without any trouble. Eventually, she reaches the large elevator, and steps over a large puddle of blood without seeming to notice it.) HARLE: Where oh where ees my little Lynx de lovair? Come out, come out, whereevair you arrrre! (HARLE steps into the elevator and rides it to the top floor. There she finds VAN and KARSH waiting outside a large door. KARSH promptly squeals and attempts to leap into VAN's arms, which has just about the effect you think it would, since KARSH is three times VAN's size. HARLE steps over the wriggling pile of fallen humanity.) VAN: Get off! Oooof! Hey, you broke my glasses, what's the big... (VAN notices HARLE. VAN shuts up and turns white.) HARLE: Ahhh, such bee-yoo-ti-ful hunks of ze manhood... but no, I seek ze cat-faced one! He ees in here, no? (HARLE lightly taps the huge door. KARSH just trembles and whimpers, but VAN eventually manages to nod. HARLE beams at VAN, who turns even whiter.) HARLE: Ahh, sank you, leetle one! Truly you are most sweet to leetle Harle, la... now please to excusez-moi! (HARLE opens the huge double doors and glides through. The doors shut behind her. After a moment, VAN shoves ineffectually at the whimpering KARSH.) VAN: Get OFF me, you big lunkhead! She's gone! KARSH: A-are you sure? VAN: Yes, I'm sure! Now get off! KARSH: But I'm SCAAAARED! VAN: Gawwwd... You can hide behind me, okay? (After a moment, KARSH nods and stands up. So does VAN, who picks up the shattered remains of his glasses. KARSH is now crouched down behind VAN, clutching VAN's shoulders and darting frantic glances everywhere. VAN rolls his eyes.) (SCENE: Inside the big room at the top of Fort Dragonia. HARLE glides in, her tiny feet creating ripples in a wide shallow puddle of water.) HARLE: Lyyyyyynx, mon leetle love potato! Where arrre you? I am looking to fiiind yoou! (HARLE has now crossed almost to the center of the room. There we see a large pedestal with a large magical gem atop it. SERGE, completely naked and apparently unconscious, is curled up at the base of the pedestal, in the center of the puddle.) HARLE: Monsieur Lyyyyyyyynx! Zhere is no need to be pretending any more, you may be coming out to your Harle... eh? Who is zis? Surely you 'ave not been doing the cheat upon moi avec thees leetle boy, no? (SERGE wakes up. Shaking his head, he sits up... then spots HARLE. He immediately folds up into a little ball, turning bright red.) HARLE: Aaah, no, leetle bleu-haired one, Harle, she weel not spy upon your nakedness! Pleaze to be telling moi, where ees the beeg bee-yoo-ti-ful cat-man, eh? I must not keep my lovair waiting pour me! (SERGE stares at HARLE wide-eyed.) SERGE: ... HARLE: Oh ho, ze cat, he has got your tongue, no? I make a funny! I am ze jokair today, no? SERGE: ... HARLE: Ah, ze leetle one, he is too embarrassed to be speaking! 'ow cute. Do not worry, leetle one, I am not to be biting yoou! SERGE: ... HARLE: Non, non, do not worry. I zhall find ze cat on my own... obsairve! I am leaving! I weel not see you any more! Please not to be embarrassed... em-bare-assed! I am ze beegest jokair today, la! (HARLE sashays back out through the double doors. We hear a loud screech from outside, followed by the not-commonly-heard sound of VAN cursing at the tops of his teenaged lungs.) HARLE: (from outside) La! How you two do carry on! Eees it that you fancy me, eh, beeg man? KARSH: (from outside) EEEEEEK! HARLE: (from outside) Oh ho! Zo silly! Well, seence I cannot find ze cat of my dreamings, it ees your lucky day, no? Come to me, my purple-haired order du beef! KARSH: (from outside) NOOOOOOOOOOOO! SERGE: ... (SERGE smiles in relief, and mimes wiping the sweat from his brow. As he stands up and gets dressed in the pile of clothes that he very conveniently brought with him, VAN opens the door just a crack.) VAN: ... Serge? I don't mean to rush you or anything, but I think Karsh is about to throw himself off the bridge... SERGE: ... HARLE: (from outside) Now now! Do not be shy, monsieur! Harle can tell that it ees she who you love, no? There ees no need for these theatreecs! Let us cut to ze chasing! I zhall chase, no! La! I am ze funny! (CURTAIN.) |
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===== COMMENTS: I don't have to tell you how fun it was to write Pepe Le Pew dialogue for Harle, do I? Well, it was a blast, and it's pretty obvious I was having a good time. Poor Karsh, though. Heck, poor Van. Poor Nikki. Poor EVERYBODY. Except Harle, who's obviously having zee time of her life, no? Ah, pop culture, how I love thee... |