| Suikoden II: Help Wanted
This follows a request in my guestbook for more Suikoden II parodies, which promptly made me COMPLETELY UNABLE TO WRITE FOR A WEEK AND A HALF. I guess I don't do well under pressure. But, then, I was lying there having a bout of insomnia, and the following idea developed... so I guess all's well that's written oddly. Plus this actually came out pretty well, so I'm happy. Spoilers. Yesh. Many spoilers. Spoilers from both Suikoden I and Suikoden II. Plus some of the following parody may make less sense if you made a different choice in a... certain section of Suikoden II. ===== |
| (SCENE: A small, nondescript town, unfamiliar to you. VIKTOR and FLIK
sit in a small park near the center of town, traveling gear beside them.)
VIKTOR: Ho hum... another day, another potch, right, Flik? FLIK: Easy for you to say... we need another job, and soon. We could have stayed in North Window... but no, you had to 'hit the open road' again. VIKTOR: Yeah, yeah. I seem to recall I didn't FORCE you to come with me, either. FLIK: Uh... well... VIKTOR: Yeah, I know. Anita. So, anyway, do you have any ideas as to where we're going to find another job? Especially in OUR line of work... 'righteous revolutionary'. FLIK: I haven't the foggiest. I guess we'll just trip over something... or starve. VIKTOR: Well, actually, I do have an idea. FLIK: Oh, really? This I HAVE to hear. VIKTOR: Oh, it's easy. We need another little leader to follow, right? FLIK: Right. VIKTOR: So let's just place an ad for one. FLIK: ... What? VIKTOR: We'll place a classified ad in the paper. I've even been working on the wording. FLIK: Heh... well, I guess we've done stupider things, huh? VIKTOR: You said it. Who had the bright idea to walk across the desert from Gregminster? FLIK: Actually, that was your idea. VIKTOR: ... uh, okay. Whatever. So, do you want to hear what I've got so far? FLIK: Sure, let's hear it. VIKTOR: MINIONS SEEKING MASTER - YOU: cheerful and quiet young boy age 14 to 18, with no pretensions to becoming a king, willing to sacrifice family and friends to become a king. Must have no fashion sense and use an odd weapon. FLIK: Yeah, that sounds about right. VIKTOR: So next we need to write something brief about who we are. FLIK: Hm. VIKTOR: So... hm... 'bratty bishounen and'... FLIK: Viktor, I hate to break it to you, but you're no bishounen. You're sure as hell a brat, though. VIKTOR: No, dumbass, that's you. FLIK: Say what? I am not bratty! VIKTOR: Uh huh. FLIK: I'm NOT! I'm not I'm not I'm NOT! (FLIK stomps around in a tantrum.) VIKTOR: Riiiiiight. So. Bratty bishounen and... FLIK: Musclebound oaf? VIKTOR: Ha. I was thinking 'cheerful galoot', myself. FLIK: ... I think you just insulted yourself worse than I did... VIKTOR: I think you're slipping. FLIK: Yeah yeah. So... VIKTOR: 'Bratty bishounen and cheerful galoot. Will supply own swords and muscle...' FLIK: And witty repartee. VIKTOR: 'Will supply own swords, muscle, and banter. You supply armor.' FLIK: And castle. VIKTOR: Right! And castle. FLIK: So what do we have so far? VIKTOR: 'MINIONS SEEKING MASTER - YOU: cheerful and quiet young boy age 14 to 18, with no pretensions to becoming a king, willing to sacrifice family and friends to become a king. Must have no fashion sense and use an odd weapon. WE: Bratty bishounen and cheerful galoot. Will supply own swords, muscle, and banter; you supply armor and castle.' FLIK: So where is he supposed to meet us? VIKTOR: Well, I thought we'd split up again and let him recruit us. It's worked twice before. FLIK: Well, sort of. We were always sort of there first. VIKTOR: Well, we're placing the ad, right? So we're there first again. FLIK: Amazing. You've got a point there. VIKTOR: Heh. So anyway... (VIKTOR spreads out a map of the area, signed in the corner with the name 'Templeton'.) VIKTOR: So, anyway, I was thinking... FEMALE VOICE: Hey, guys... fancy meeting you here! (VIKTOR and FLIK spin around. Behind them stand VALERIA and LUC, also with traveling bags.) VALERIA: So what are you guys up to? (Time passes. VIKTOR and FLIK explain their plan.) VALERIA: Sounds good. Can we get in on the action? VIKTOR: Well, that's fine with me... but don't you have, like, jobs to get back to? VALERIA: Gregminster doesn't need me to be a general THAT badly. Kasumi will be fine without me. LUC: And I'm damned if I'm going back to my hundred-year apprenticeship. Leknaat never teaches me anything interesting. I'm striking out on my own. FLIK: Fine, whatever. Luc can be the bratty bishounen. He fits that description better than I do anyway. LUC: I resent that. FLIK: I thought you might. VIKTOR: So... um... 'bratty bishounen, cheerful galoot, scary lady warrior, and... and...' FLIK: Incredibly handsome young man? VALERIA: Urgk. VIKTOR: '... and boy too handsome for his own damn good.' LUC: Perfect. FLIK: ... you know, I think I might have to agree with that myself... VALERIA: Nina? (FLIK shudders.) FLIK: Nina. LUC: Should probably add something in about supplying our own basic runes. VIKTOR: Right, good call. FLIK: Yeah... good old Lightning. VIKTOR: Anyway. So here's what we've got... 'MINIONS SEEKING MASTER - YOU: cheerful and quiet young boy age 14 to 18, with no pretensions to becoming a king, willing to sacrifice family and friends to become a king. Must have no fashion sense and use an odd weapon. WE: Bratty bishounen, cheerful galoot, scary lady warrior, and boy too handsome for his own damn good. Will supply own swords, muscle, basic rune power, and banter; you supply armor and castle.' VALERIA: Sounds like a winner. FLIK: So here's the map... I'll be the initial contact, if no one minds. VIKTOR: Fine with me. Why don't you wait in the tavern at this city?... Vandershmear? (VIKTOR points to a dot on the map, about three days' travel from their current location.) FLIK: That's fine with me. (VALERIA points to another dot.) VALERIA: I think I'll hang out at the harbor here, in this port town. LUC: I'll take on an initial quest... I'll go build a mage's tower out here in this plain and fill it with puzzles. You all can come recruit me there and get some exp at the same time. (VIKTOR mulls that over, then touches yet another dot on the map.) VIKTOR: Sounds good to me. I think... I think I'll get myself arrested at this city here. You all can bust me out of jail. VALERIA: I've gone THAT route before. VIKTOR: And it worked, didn't it? VALERIA: Not saying it didn't... but elves have lousy jails. Plus they're vegetarians. FLIK: So we put my name and location on the ad, then I bring the kid to find Valeria, then we bust Viktor out of jail, then we come run Luc's tower. LUC: Right. (VIKTOR makes a few changes.) VIKTOR: '...and castle. Contact Flik at the Blue Lion Tavern in Vandershmear if interested.' FLIK: Sounds like we've got a winner! VIKTOR: Yeah. I'll go turn this in to the paper... we'll set out first thing in the morning. LUC: Fine. Who's up for dinner? I'm starving. (SCENE: The next morning. VIKTOR, FLIK, VALERIA, and LUC are all standing outside the inn, dressed for traveling.) FLIK: So Luc and I are both heading out the east gate... we can go at least partway together. VALERIA: And I head out the north gate. VIKTOR: I go west. LUC: See you guys in a couple of weeks. VIKTOR: Bye! (LUC and FLIK leave towards the east. VALERIA starts to head north, but VIKTOR puts his hand on her arm and stops her.) VALERIA: What? VIKTOR: Well, I was thinking... the ad won't even go into the paper for a couple of days... so we've got some time to spare... VALERIA: ... And? VIKTOR: What say we go back to the inn and spend a couple of days having sex like crazed weasels? VALERIA: You have GOT to be nuts. VIKTOR: No! No! Seriously... we've got plenty of time. VALERIA: It's not TIME I'm worried about, Viktor! VIKTOR: Well, I tell you what. You spend a couple of days locked away with me in my room, and I'll tell you all the gory details about Anita and Flik... (VALERIA stops dead, her eyes narrowing.) VALERIA: Anita? My rival Anita? And FLIK? VIKTOR: Yup... one hell of an affair they had... and I know ALL the gory details... VALERIA: How? VIKTOR: Flik talks in his sleep a lot. Plus Anita's kind of LOUD in bed, if you get my drift. VALERIA: ... You've got a deal, Viktor. VIKTOR: Thought I might. (VIKTOR and VALERIA head back inside the inn.) (SCENE: Just outside the east gate. LUC and FLIK are walking towards the east, packs on their shoulders.) LUC: ... Flik? Why do you keep staring at me? FLIK: Oh! Uh. Sorry. It's just... well... it's just that your hair is the exact same color that Odessa's hair used to be... and about the right length... LUC: ... FLIK: Gods, I miss Odessa. Every damn day... LUC: Uh... I'm sorry... FLIK: You know, she liked to wear pale green too... just like you... LUC: Flik... this is just too creepy. I think I'm going to go on ahead. FLIK: Oh, no... don't do that! I mean... I'll be kind of lonely traveling on my own... I'll need someone to snug... er... talk to. Yeah, talk to. LUC: That's it. I'll see you in a few weeks. Pervert. (LUC teleports away. *BAMF!*) FLIK: No! Wait! Come back! I... I haven't had sex with anyone since I threw Nina off the top of North Window Castle! Come baaaaaaaack! Argh, dammit! (SCENE: It's pitch black. No light filters in at all. After a few seconds, you hear the soft *BAMF!* of a teleport.) VOICE of LUC: Ugh... where the hell am I? I didn't mean to teleport HERE... (Silence for a few seconds. Then:) VOICE of VIKTOR: Who's there?! VOICE of VALERIA: Identify yourself! VOICE of LUC: Ack! Don't startle me like that! It's Luc! I must have fucked up my telep... wait a minute. Viktor? Valeria? What the hell are you doing? VOICE of VIKTOR: ... Uh... never mind that. VOICE of VALERIA: You took teleporting lessons from Viki, didn't you. VOICE of LUC: Yeah... not the brightest of ideas, I guess. I'm sorry. I'll go... (*BAMF!*) VOICE of VIKTOR: ... Luc? Are you gone? VOICE of LUC: Er, no... that wasn't me... VOICE of VIKI: Uh... oh dear oh dear... this isn't Gregminster, is it? VOICE of LUC, VIKTOR, and VALERIA: NO! VOICE of VIKI: Oops! (CURTAIN.) |
|
===== COMMENTS: See, if you chose Kasumi instead of Valeria, you never found out that Anita was Valeria's arch-rival... at least, I don't think you did. I chose Valeria. I love Valeria. She was the most utterly scary unbalancing character in the first game, and then THEY GAVE HER BACK TO YOU. They did make her rune a bit less disgusting, but they gave you ANOTHER character with the same rune, and GAVE THEM A UNITE ATTACK WITH EACH OTHER! Oh, it was scariness... I had both of them in my final party. We kicked wolf butt. It's so damn EASY to pick on Flik. Watching Viktor cheerfully torture Flik was always a high point of the Suikoden games. I never much liked Luc either, but I've got to admit, he grew into one hell of a bishy... Those of you who are up on ten-year-old pop culture may have caught a few references here and there. They were all intentional, I swear. |