SIGURD: Bart master! Please to come soonest, it very bad!

BART: Sigurd! Best to be calm! Please explain fastly!

FEI: What happens? I am alarmed with Sigurd!

BILLY: I am not knowing. Listen!

BART: Silence! Sigurd explain to us! The engine are exploding? Is Deus it? Ramsus are done out with hair gel?

SIGURD: No! No!

BART: Navel ring are pulled from stomach, hurt you?

SIGURD: No! Bart master! It is a missing! There is no Citan!

FEI: There must be Citan!

BILLY: There were always a Citan here.

ELLY: What he say? No Citan? We are needing a Citan here!

FEI: Elly, to be calm now! We are finding Citan soon.

SIGURD: I go to room find Citan. But there is no Citan. There is blood much.

BART: Blood!

BILLY: Why are he look for Citan firstly? Sigurd is love for Citan, maybe?

FEI: Sigurd are finding Citan's buttocks amusing.

BART: Billy! Fei! You will quiet! Sigurd, are there a corpse?

SIGURD: No! Blood only there was. But...

BART: Yes, blood is to mean that Citan are hurt! Badness perhaps!

FEI: We must to find Citan! Bart and Sigurd, you go to Gear dockings! I, Elly go engines open. Billy, Emeralda, to search stateroom!

(Everyone named departs in pairs. Everyone else sits around the bar and discusses the disappearance in excitable broken English.)

RICO: This am bad. If Citan have deceased or been gone away with, we are having no doctor.

MARGIE: I am hoping that Bart is being all right. If Citan is hurting, then Bart may be also troubled by introduction to bleeding by killers.

RICO: Sigurd and Bart are being together. Also Fei and Elly and Billy and Emeralda. There is no aloneness to be taking advantage for killers.

MARGIE: This is correct Rico. I am soothed well.

(Time passes. The ship teems with activity, but none of the searchers returns.)

MARGIE: I worry more.

RICO: I also worry. They are gone long... they are attacked perhaps?

(Just then, FEI and ELLY return to the bar. They are both rumpled: FEI's shirt is untucked, his ponytail is sprouting wisps of hair, and there are two huge grease stains striped down the back of ELLY's dress, which is also tucked up into her pantyhose. They're both grinning and red-faced.)

RICO: Fei! Elly! Are you finding Citan?

FEI: Er! No, there is no Citan in engine room. We are looking very careful, correct Elly?

ELLY: Hee! Er, what? Yes! We are looking everywhere! Every tiny space! Every one!

(FEI and ELLY both giggle inanely.)

RICO: So I am seeing this. I am seeing also Elly's buttocks.

ELLY: Squeal! Rico! You are impertinent! Also green!

(FEI reaches behind ELLY and yanks her dress out of her pantyhose. ELLY blushes furiously.)
(Just then, the door to the bar swooshes open and BILLY and EMERALDA arrive. EMERALDA looks much the same as always (rumpled and ragged), but BILLY is brilliantly red-faced and rumpled. His lime-green bowtie is untied and hangs down his front, one of his pants legs is no longer tucked into his boots, and it becomes obvious when his coat moves that his shirttail is poking out of his unzipped fly.)

FEI: Billy! Emeralda! You are finding Citan, I hope? Also alive! I hope!

BILLY: What! No, no, there is no Citan in stateroom! Any one of stateroom. We check every one very thorough!

(EMERALDA buries her face deeper into her scarf. On closer inspection you can see two very clear thumbmarks on her stomach just above her hipbones.)

FEI: We also are very thorough in our checkingness. I check everywhere, I think, Elly.

ELLY: Yes! You do check.

BILLY: We also are checking!

(The door to the bar swooshes open once again. This time, SIGURD enters, half-carrying a limping BART. BART is a mess. His braid has been shredded into tangled strands, his jacket is missing, there is a huge rip down one leg of his pants, and his stomach and arms are covered with vicious bleeding scratches and bruises. SIGURD is not overly damaged, but his hair is quite thoroughly messed up and his rumpled uniform is stained by blood and sweat.)

FEI: Bart! What is happening!

ELLY: Oh Bart!

BILLY: You are finding trouble in the killer, are you not?

BART: Er? Oh! Yes! Yes, that is what it is! We are most definitely... yes, we are finding dangerous killer, yes. We are not being rough with the body of the other in empty room. We are... finding killer!

SIGURD: Telling the truth, we are having each other instead of performing the searching.

BART: ... I am preferring my truth to that of Sigurd.

BILLY: I am as well. I was thinking that I am only for you, yes?

BART: ...

RICO: I am thinking that I am knowing what Citan is bleeding for.

MARGIE: I am thinking as you.

BILLY: There is being no killer of Citan on Yggdrasil.

RICO: Very much yes. Sigurd, you say Citan are missing... he has become missing from what circumstance, please?

SIGURD: ... he are missing from ropes of bondage I am putting on him at early point today. Moreover, he is performing bleeding in a free manner; I am worrying that he is passing out while the bandages are fetched by me.

FEI: I am ceasing to be shocked.

ELLY: I have not owned the shock from the beginning.

(PRIMERA silently enters the room and hands the mussed BILLY a note. BILLY scans it briefly.)

BILLY: I am having your attention please? There is come into being a note from the hand of Citan!

(Everyone hushes and looks at BILLY expectantly. BILLY coughs and reads.)

BILLY: 'Greeting you all of the bar. I have come to hear much shouting over me. I am enough of well for now, but coming out I am not until I am having the feeling of goodness again. Please to tell Sigurd that I am wanting him in the quarters that are his for to bandage my back, but to be leaving those toys of which he knows elsewhere. I sign this, Citan.'

(SIGURD levers BART into a chair and takes off running. Everyone else sits around looking vaguely disgruntled and/or embarrassed.)

RICO: This will always be happening on that which is Bart's ship?

BILLY: I begin to fear that as well.

MARGIE: You fear for what? You are having much of a good time early today, yes?

BILLY: ...

ELLY: Aiya. I am needing the use of the shower, I begin to think.

FEI: ... As am I. I accompany Elly!

ELLY: Hee!

(The crowd in the bar begins to break up. After a last glance at EMERALDA, BILLY walks over and helps BART to his feet. Together they limp out the door. After a few moments, the bar is empty but for MAISON, standing behind the bar shaking his head in resignation.)

MAISON: This all I am seeing before. The job is perhaps not to be exciting always, but I am interested always.

(CURTAIN.)

back to parody
back to library