FF7: Hot Yaoi Action!
Okay. Ahem. In case you don't know what yaoi is, it's guys having sex with other guys, okay? Nevertheless, since this is a PARODY, well... I guess you don't have the faintest clue what's going to happen. However, if the concept of yaoi inherently offends or disgusts you, or alternately you are such a rabid yaoi nut that you can't bear to see it being made fun of... you won't like this. Trust me. Nobody better send me flame mail about this fic, or I swear I'll beat them to death with almond Pocky.

There's also a bit of FF8 and a teeny smidgeon of other games in here. Not much in the way of spoilers, really.
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(SCENE: A cozy bedroom aboard the Highwind. The roar of the engines is muted here, providing only a pleasant hum; a single skylight above reveals darkness, studded with stars. CLOUD sits on the edge of the large bed, sharpening his sword and whistling tunelessly.)

(CLOUD suddenly freezes, then leaps to his feet and assumes a battle-ready stance.)

CLOUD: Come out! I hear you there.

(Faint, mocking laughter echoes from a darkened corner, then SEPHIROTH steps forth, smirking at CLOUD.)

CLOUD: I don't know how you got here, Sephiroth, but I won't let you leave here alive!

SEPHIROTH: Oh, hush, little one.

(SEPHIROTH waves his hand negligently, and CLOUD gasps as every muscle in his body locks. His fingers spasm, and his sword clatters to the floor, useless.)

SEPHIROTH: You thought you could refuse me... you can't.

(SEPHIROTH glides closer to the helpless CLOUD, letting the tips of his fingers trail across CLOUD's chest. CLOUD squeezes his eyes shut.)

SEPHIROTH: You can't refuse me... anything.

CLOUD: ...bastard...

(SEPHIROTH laughs, hooking the tips of his fingers in CLOUD's belt. Leaning over CLOUD, his eyes inches away from CLOUD's, SEPHIROTH smiles, then leans forward...)

SEPHIROTH: Suffer...

(Suddenly, CLOUD unfreezes and stands upright, rubbing his arm. SEPHIROTH freezes in his turn, looking startled.)

CLOUD: I'm sorry, this just isn't working for me.

(SEPHIROTH looks around wildly, then coughs.)

SEPHIROTH: So... uh... you've grown stronger... no matter. I can still enslave your will...

CLOUD: Oh, give it a rest.

SEPHIROTH: (hisses at CLOUD) Will you behave? You're making me look bad.

CLOUD: I'm sorry! I just can't do this! Uh... look, can we get the author in here? Huh? Hey! Moon!

(The entire roof of the bedroom lifts up, and a huge face looms overhead.)

MOONCALF: What?! Geez!

CLOUD: Look, I just can't get into this yaoi stuff! Especially with this scenario... this is SO contrived.

MOONCALF: What do you mean? I could see Sephiroth doing this to you!

CLOUD: Yeah, I know. But on the Highwind? With no warning whatsoever? Nuh uh, I just can't buy it.

MOONCALF: Aaaaaaargh. Can't you just... pretend or something?

CLOUD: No! Honestly! You're not even into this! Why are you suddenly trying to do the yaoi thing?

MOONCALF: Uh...

CLOUD: Let me guess. You're trying to beef up traffic to your website.

MOONCALF: ... uh... no! No, that's not it at all! Look, he's hot, you're hot, can't you just... do this for me?

CLOUD: Like hell! If I told you to have sex with Sephiroth just to beef up traffic on my website, how would you like it?

MOONCALF: I'd have a liplock on him in two seconds.

CLOUD: Uh. Okay. Bad example. Okay, what if you had to have sex with TIFA, 'just for me'?

MOONCALF: ... ugh.

CLOUD: See? SEE?!

MOONCALF: Argh! FINE!

(A giant hand comes in and plucks SEPHIROTH out of the set. A few seconds later, a pair of giant hands starts zipping in and out, delivering various male FF7 cast members into the bedroom.)

MOONCALF: Here. I'll let you choose. Have sex with any of these.

(Several cast members look extremely startled.)

CLOUD: Uh... Mooncalf... no offense or anything, but... they're all MALE.

MOONCALF: No kidding. The title of this fic isn't 'Hot Yaoi Action' for nothing.

CLOUD: But I don't want to have sex with a guy!

(Most of the male cast members look relieved.)

MOONCALF: Oh, come on. How about Vincent?

VINCENT: Er.

CLOUD: No! Why can't you fix me up with Tifa or something?

MOONCALF: Aaaagh! You're impossible! HERE!

(MOONCALF's hands start popping in and out of the set again, delivering various cast members from FF8, Xenogears, and a handful of other games.)

MOONCALF: ANY of these! ANY of them, or more than one if you want!

CLOUD: ... any of them?

MOONCALF! YES! Any of them! Here, have Fei! Have Squall!

FEI: Agh!

SQUALL: ...

CLOUD: ... hmm... no. No, I just can't do it.

MOONCALF: AAAAAIERGH! FINE! Get OFF MY SET!

(CLOUD quickly exits the room. MOONCALF finishes her screaming and begins to pick through the people left in the room.)

MOONCALF: Ungrateful little bastard... hm... let's see... Fei, no... Cid, ew, no...

(MOONCALF sorts through the crowd until finally, only two characters are left, LAGUNA and KIROS.)

MOONCALF: Hm... I can work with this. Okay, change of scene... here are your scripts...

(SCENE: LAGUNA and RAINE's house in WINHILL. LAGUNA is sprawled out on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. KIROS is leaning against the wall of the room.)

LAGUNA: Wait. Wait. I'm supposed to do what? With who?

(A muffled groan is heard from outside.)

LAGUNA: Look, why don't you just give it up? We're NOT interested, okay?

(The ceiling is ripped off, and MOONCALF's furious face looms overhead.)

MOONCALF: FINE! FINE! Just GET THE HELL OFF MY SET!

(LAGUNA bolts for the door. After a moment, KIROS looks up.)

KIROS: No yaoi today, then.

MOONCALF: Gaaah. No. Just... go on home.

KIROS: ... Damn.

(CURTAIN.)


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COMMENTS: Uh. I have nothing to say about this parody. When I wrote it, I didn't really like yaoi at all. Imagine that. Anyway, I'm adding these lines well over a year later, while reformatting the parody for my new site...

You rabid Kiros fans out there... just leave me the hell alone.

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