| Wild ARMs 2: I Love You!
So I took what was basically a very low-key and hardly-expounded-upon love triangle and turned it into something overt, violent, sick, and wrong. And added a few sides to the triangle in the bargain. Parody is so FULFILLING! Spoilers from hell, plus a whole bunch of random violence and sexual innuendos. You know you love it. Well, at any rate, I love it. ===== |
| (SCENE: Ashley Winchester's room, upstairs at the bakery in Meria Boule.
ASHLEY, our erstwhile blue-haired hero, sits cross-legged on his bed, cleaning
his massive gunblade.)
(The door bursts open and LILKA rushes in to confront ASHLEY.) LILKA: Ashley... I just can't deny it any more. I LOVE you. Please, is there any chance for us? ASHLEY: ... Whaaaaa? LILKA: Sorry, was that too quick for you? I... love... you... Ashley. Do you love me too? Is there any hope? ASHLEY: Ummm... are you sure you've got the right Ashley? LILKA: Sure, who did you think I meant, the guy with the big hole in his shorts? ASHLEY: Well, yeah. LILKA: Idiot. I love YOU. Plus I have no idea how to get to Lea Monde from here, and anyway he's three feet taller than I am and has weird hair. ASHLEY: And I don't? LILKA: Well, okay, yes, you have weird hair, but I LOVE you, so that's okay. ASHLEY: Would you stop SAYING that? You're making me nervous! LILKA: So... so... so you don't love me. ASHLEY: Crikey, would you GIVE me a second?! I mean, you're a very nice girl, and we've been through a lot together, and maybe I do care for you a bit, but I didn't expect to get it thrown in my face like this! LILKA: You... you care for me? Really? (LILKA's eyes get all wide and trembly.) ASHLEY: I said MAYBE! Geez, Lilka, don't be in such a rush! LILKA: I'm... I'm sorry, I was just... well... I LOVE you! ASHLEY: Aaaaagh! (The door bursts open and MARINA bursts in.) MARINA: I HEARD that, you cheap magical slut! LILKA: Aaaaa! You startled me! Anyway, this is private stuff! MARINA: Yeah, you WISH. Get this straight... -I- love Ashley. ASHLEY: You DO?! MARINA: YES, you blue-haired goober! How could I possibly have made it any CLEARER? ASHLEY: Maybe by TELLING me! Gods, you two are IMPOSSIBLE! LILKA: But... but... but I love Ashley! And we're saving the world together while you stay home and bake bread! MARINA: So? I'm being responsible! You... you just flit off wherever you please! What kind of wife would YOU make? ASHLEY: Whoa! WHOA! Who said anything about a wife? I'm seventeen, for crying out loud! MARINA: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS! (ASHLEY freezes like a deer caught in the headlights.) LILKA: I can't BELIEVE how you treat him! You don't care about him at all, do you? At least I don't scream at him! MARINA: I've known him since I was born! I feel like I can be a little casual with him, because I love him! LILKA: But does he love YOU? MARINA: Of course he does! Right, Ashley? ASHLEY: I... I... uh... LILKA: Ashley?! (LILKA's eyes go all wide and watery.) ASHLEY: ... I'm scared... mommy... MARINA: Ashley! For the last time... I LOVE YOU! Do you love ME?! LILKA: But Ashley! -I- love you! Please! Tell me you care! (The door slams open, and BRAD enters the room.) BRAD: I know, I know, this is sick, but... Ashley, I love you. (The world goes utterly silent.) ASHLEY: Dah... dahh... aaaaaaaa... BRAD: I knew you'd react that way. Oh, the shame. But I had to tell you... (Suddenly the room erupts into furious action as both LILKA and MARINA leap onto BRAD, screaming. A short, gory struggle ensues. When the dust clears, ASHLEY's room is in tatters, and a very dead BRAD lies on the floor.) ASHLEY: Oh my God! You killed Brad! MARINA: Call me a bastard and you die painful. ASHLEY: ... Okay... but... Brad's dead! What are we going to do? LILKA: We'll just say he died at the Alchemic Plant. They bought it once... MARINA: Perfect. (LILKA and MARINA drag BRAD's shredded corpse out of the room. ASHLEY sits in the ruins of his room, wide-eyed, in shock. Suddenly, the door slams open, and MARIVEL enters the room.) ASHLEY: Oh gods... please, for gods' sake Marivel, don't be here to tell me you love me... MARIVEL: That... that's GROSS. I just wanted to know where you were hiding the AB positive. ASHLEY: Oh, thank heavens. MARIVEL: I KNOW I smell AB positive around here somewhere... ASHLEY: Oh, that must have been Brad... MARIVEL: ... Brad? ASHLEY: Oh! Uh... don't ask. (MARIVEL sniffs around, then suddenly notices the shambles of the room she's standing in.) MARIVEL: Bloody hell, what happened here? ASHLEY: PLEASE don't ask. PLEASE don't tell me you love me. PLEASE don't ask where Brad is. MARIVEL: ... You humans are so strange. (MARIVEL exits the room, sniffing at the air and following the scent of blood.) ASHLEY: ... My life is hell. (The door opens, silently for once, and TIM enters the room.) ASHLEY: Um... hi Tim. Please don't tell me you love me. TIM: Uh, well, actually, I do... ASHLEY: NOOOOOOOOOOO! (ASHLEY runs screaming from the room and down the stairs.) TIM: Um... I love you like the big brother I never had... what's going ON here? Ashley? (Looking bewildered, TIM wanders out of the trashed room, softly closing the much-abused door behind him.) (CURTAIN.) |
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===== COMMENTS: Finally my case of parodists' block breaks, and majorly. I smacked this out in twenty minutes of utter deranged lunacy. The last parody was hard to write and not that good; this one just exploded out of me (ew, gross, Mooncalf). I guess it was just time to abuse a different Ashley, you know? |