| Final Fantasy 7: Insult Fest
One of the things that bothers me about FF7 and FF8 is the general lack of a sense of humor in the main characters. At least Cloud could be talked into wearing a dress... Squall was just a humorless prig. Anyway, I picked a couple of characters from FF7 that actually HAD senses of humor and let them run amuck with each other. Plenty of spoilers, as usual, some language, some violence... all the things that make a fanfic great. ===== |
| (SCENE: The deck of the Highwind, currently resting at anchor above
Nibelheim. CID is sitting on the railing having a quiet smoke. After a
moment, YUFFIE comes out to join him.)
YUFFIE: Damn, I'm glad this thing finally stopped. I'm sick of throwing up. CID: Yeah, well, you'll get used to it, kid. YUFFIE: I don't really WANT to get used to it, gramps. I just want to get this whole 'saving the world' thing over with and then go home and forget I ever met you weird people. I hate it here. Besides, Tifa snores. CID: Shit, she does? YUFFIE: Like a buzzsaw cutting moogles in two... CID: Daaamn. Least most of the guys are the strong and silent type... worst I have to worry about's Barret cursing in his sleep... YUFFIE: Strong and silent... screw that. Brooding and humorless, more like. CID: Oh, come on, Cloud's got a sense of humor. YUFFIE: I guess he must, otherwise there's no excuse for Cait Sith... but Cloud's still got a broomstick up his butt sideways... CID: Nah, he'd enjoy that. He's not as bad as he was, anyway. YUFFIE: You mean he used to be WORSE? CID: Yeah, he's really mellowed out since I met him... YUFFIE: He has? CID: Heh, yeah. Here, I'll show you. Watch this. (yelling) HEY, CLOUD! IS THAT YOUR HAIR OR A PORCUPINE HAVING A SEIZURE ON YOUR HEAD? (Silence for a moment. Then a rain of comets explodes from above, flattening CID.) YUFFIE: I don't get it. How does that mean he's mellowed out? (CID digs himself out of the wreckage, a Full-Cure materia in his spear glowing madly.) CID: He didn't Omnislash me, did he? YUFFIE: ... Ah. CID: And he didn't summon Knights of the Round, did he? YUFFIE: Well, okay, yeah. CID: So he's mellowed out. YUFFIE: Yeah, well, that's not half as much fun as baiting Barret. See? Watch... (yelling) HEY BARRET! SEEN YOUR PHOENIX MATERIA LATELY? BARRET: (yelling from offstage) MY #$#&%@ PHOENIX? DID YOU #@%#$ STEAL MY @#*$%@# PHOENIX? I'LL KICK YOUR SCRAWNY LITTLE @#@&$%@ ALL THE #@&@% WAY FROM HERE TO @#&%&$@ WUTAI, YOU @#*$&@ LITTLE THIEF! CID: Wow. I think my goggles just melted... YUFFIE: Yeah! See? CID: Hey, I bet you can't get a rise out of Vincent. YUFFIE: Vincent?! That's like trying to make Reno wear a tie, pops! CID: No kidding, girlie. (yelling) YO VINCENT! VINCENT: (from behind CID and YUFFIE) No need to yell. I'm right here. YUFFIE: EEEEEYAGH! DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT! VINCENT: (lugubriously) Sorry. So what did you want to insult me about? CID: Well, uh... how the hell did you sneak up on us anyway, with those big pointy metal shoes? By all right you ought to clatter like the North Corel train! VINCENT: I'm just quiet. CID: Why do you keep your face stuffed in the collar of your cloak anyway? Because you look prettier as the Death Gigas? VINCENT: No, it's just warm. CID: You gonna maybe get your hair cut soon? You don't want Cloud mistaking you for Tifa in the dark... ouch! VINCENT: I'll get around to it. CID: You used to be a Turk, right? Oh, but I guess they were called 'Dorks' back then... YUFFIE: That was weak, gramps. CID: Oh, shut up. VINCENT: Are you done? May I go now? CID: Yeah, yeah, whatever. (VINCENT turns and starts walking away.) CID: I'll never know what Lucrecia ever saw in him... YUFFIE: Hell, I never knew what he saw in her either. She's not precisely the prettiest scientist in the bunch. (VINCENT turns around and wordlessly blows YUFFIE's face off with his shotgun before heading back into the Highwind.) CID: ... Damn. Well, I'll admit you did get a rise out of him... 'course, I'd never say so if you weren't dead... (YUFFIE begins to stir, her face reassembling itself.) YUFFIE: ... ow... damn, that stings... CID: Damn, girl, how'd you manage that one? We've only got one Final Attack and it's right... here... GODDAMMIT GIRLIE! YUFFIE: Oops... (CID swoops down on the still-recovering YUFFIE and reclaims his Final Attack materia. After a moment, he swears and also recovers his Shiva, his All, and a handful of others.) CID: Shit. Thought you learned your lesson... YUFFIE: Can't... (cough) can't blame me for... trying... CID: Like hell I can't. YUFFIE: Heh... CID: (straightening up and yelling) HEY RED! YUFFIE SAYS THAT YOU'D HAVE MATED WITH AERIS IN A SECOND EXCEPT SHINRA NEUTERED YOU! THAT TRUE? (A red blur explodes onto the deck and starts mauling the helpless Yuffie.) YUFFIE: OWOOOOOO! It's NOT TRUE! I DIDN'T SAY THAT! CID: Heh heh heh... (CID walks back into the Highwind, whistling.) (CURTAIN.) |
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===== COMMENTS: You know, it's harder than it looks, thinking up insults like those. Some of these insults I really do like, though. (Porcupine having a seizure. Hee hee hee...) I can't say that this one is terribly good, but I still sort of like it. |