Spoilers ahoy. I mean that. Plenty of spoilers, starting in about, oh, the first sentence. I'd recommend you win the game before you read this.
=====
 

CECIL: (chanting) Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!

KAIN: (chanting) Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!

ROSA: (beaming at CECIL) Kek!

KLUYA: Cake's coming! Just hold on!

(FUSOYA appears out of the kitchen, bearing a large birthday cake iced to look like Baron Castle. KLUYA immediately flips out the lights, so that the four candles that burn in the 'torchholders' can shine. CECIL, KAIN, and ROSA all shut up and stare at the cake wide-eyed. GOLBEZ is still sulking.)

FUSOYA: (singing) Happy birthday to yoooou...

(KLUYA and FUSOYA do most of the singing. KAIN mumbles along, sort of, but ROSA is too young and GOLBEZ is still sulking. As soon as the song limps to a stop, CECIL takes a huge breath and blows out the candles. Everybody (except GOLBEZ) claps and cheers. The cheering sort of limps to a halt when CECIL reaches out and buries his hand in the cake, grabbing a huge messy hunk and stuffing it in his mouth. After a moment, KAIN and ROSA both follow suit. Within a minute all three toddlers are covered in cake and icing from the tops of their heads to their waists. FUSOYA swoops in and recovers what's left of the cake, cutting out reasonably unmussed portions for GOLBEZ, KLUYA, and himself. KLUYA's smile has slipped a little.)

FUSOYA: Ah, let 'em have fun, it's Cecil's birthday... kids love getting messy anyway. I'll help you get them cleaned up later.

KLUYA: Thanks... I appreciate you coming in to help, really.

FUSOYA: Absolutely. I wouldn't miss my favorite nephew's birthday, now would I?

(FUSOYA pats CECIL on the head, incidentally getting cake all over his hand. The next few minutes are a riot of screeching toddlers and cake fragments. Eventually, ROSA's attention is caught by something at the kitchen window, and she drops her fistful of cake. We can see another mop of white-blonde curls peeking through the window, just like hers... ROSA points at the window.)

ROSA: Eddard!

(CECIL looks at what ROSA is pointing at, and his chin immediately juts out.)

CECIL: No!

ROSA: Sees! Eddard! Eddard, Sees!

CECIL: No! No no no no no no no no no!

(ROSA blinks at CECIL, then promptly starts screaming.)

ROSA: EDDARD! EDDARD! EDDAAAAAAARD!

(CECIL clamps his hands over his ears and starts screaming too.)

CECIL: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

KLUYA: QUIET! SHUSH!

(That's just about as effective as you'd think. Both kids keep screaming.)

FUSOYA: (over the racket) Who's that?

KLUYA: (over the racket) Next door neighbor's kid... Cecil doesn't like him, I don't know why...

ROSA: EDDDDDDDAAAAAARRD!

CECIL: NO! NO! NO! NO!

KLUYA: SHUSH! SHUSH!

(Eventually, with great effort, KLUYA and FUSOYA manage to get the kids to stop screaming. ROSA's nose and eyes are all running, and CECIL is red-faced. GOLBEZ is -still- sulking. KAIN has taken advantage of the ruckus to eat several more handfuls of cake.)

KLUYA: Now, Cecil, let's let Edward come to your party...

CECIL: No!

KLUYA: Cecil! Young man, it may be your birthday, but you can't be that greedy!

CECIL: ...

ROSA: Eddard?

(FUSOYA crosses to the back door and opens it, letting in a preternaturally pretty toddler, about three years old, with white-blond curls that fall to his shoulders. ROSA beams at EDWARD as FUSOYA picks him up and puts him in a chair. EDWARD beams at everyone. Now both GOLBEZ and CECIL are sulking. ROSA looks ecstatic, however, and KAIN is still stuffing cake into his mouth as fast as he can.)

EDWARD: H'lo, mister, mister...

ROSA: Eddard hi!

KAIN: Mmmpf!

(KLUYA puts a piece of cake down in front of EDWARD, who clumsily but successfully eats it with an actual fork. KLUYA shoots a glance at the cake-encrusted CECIL, who sulks harder. GOLBEZ eventually picks up his fork and eats his cake, too, looking a bit happier now that CECIL is sulking.)

ROSA: (singsong) Eddard, Eddard, Eddard, Sees! Ken Ken Sees SeesUL, Ken Gulbuz!

GOLBEZ: ...

(ROSA beams at GOLBEZ, who looks upset.)

ROSA: GulgulgulgulgulBUZ! Gulbuz! GUL! BUZ!

GOLBEZ: ... Dad? Can I be excused?

KLUYA: May I be excused, Golbez.

GOLBEZ: ... may I be excused?

KLUYA: Say 'please'.

(GOLBEZ looks pouty and resentful again.)

GOLBEZ: (muttering) ... may I be excused please...

KLUYA: Yes, you may.

ROSA: (singing) GUL! BUZ! GUL GUL GUL BUZZZ!

(GOLBEZ shoves his chair back and leaves the room. After a moment, FUSOYA picks up the cake-encrusted ROSA and carries her off to the bathroom, to clean her up. KLUYA scrubs at KAIN with his napkin, managing to remove most of the larger cake chunks; CECIL picks up his own napkin and completely fails to do anything useful with it except smear cake into his ears. EDWARD continues to awkwardly wield his fork at his cake.)

KAIN: Ow!

KLUYA: Kain, don't fuss...

(EDWARD picks up his empty plate and raises it towards KLUYA, with an incredibly adorable pleading expression on his face.)

EDWARD: More pweez, mister?

(EDWARD has, apparently, mastered puppy-dog eyes. CECIL fumes. KLUYA is, of course, a complete sucker for this.)

KLUYA: Well, of course, since you said please!

(EDWARD gets more cake. CECIL reaches out and snags another fistful of cake too, resentfully.)

(SCENE: The main hallway. FUSOYA emerges from the bathroom, carrying a cleaned up and changed ROSA. ROSA's cheeks are rosy from the scrubbing, and she has her thumb in her mouth. FUSOYA carries ROSA down to GOLBEZ's room, and knocks on the closed door.)

GOLBEZ: (from inside the room) What?!

FUSOYA: Golbez, please watch Rosa for a few minutes while your father and I deal with the others.

GOLBEZ: (from inside the room) I don't wanna.

FUSOYA: ... that's tough, mister. You don't have a choice.

(FUSOYA opens the door and steps inside. GOLBEZ glowers at FUSOYA from his beanbag chair in the corner. FUSOYA puts ROSA down on GOLBEZ's bed; ROSA curls up, thumb still in her mouth, and falls asleep.)

FUSOYA: She won't be any trouble, see?

GOLBEZ: (sulky) Okay. I still think little kids are dumb, though.

(FUSOYA smiles at the six-year-old GOLBEZ and pats him idly on the head before leaving, closing the door behind him. GOLBEZ eyes the sleeping ROSA for a few seconds; a grin spreads across his face. It would be kind of a menacing grin, if GOLBEZ wasn't six and missing one of his front teeth.)

(SCENE: The breakfast room, again. KLUYA has removed the cake; CECIL is unhappily sucking on his fingers instead. KAIN is missing. EDWARD finishes his cake and carefully lays the fork across the plate, then beams up at KLUYA.)

EDWARD: All done... thankoo mister!

(CECIL glares at EDWARD, who wilts. KLUYA notices.)

KLUYA: You're very welcome, young man! And what lovely manners you have...

(KLUYA gathers up the plates and swoops into the kitchen to put them in the sink.)

CECIL: Poopyhead.

EDWARD: Uh?

CECIL: Poopy poopy POOPY head Edward.

(EDWARD blinks at CECIL, then starts bawling. KLUYA races back in to see what the fuss is.)

KLUYA: Edward! Cecil, did you hurt Edward?

CECIL: No.

KLUYA: What happened?

CECIL: I dunno.

KLUYA: ... I see. Edward, now, stop crying...

(KLUYA wipes EDWARD's face and manages to calm him down. Suddenly:)

KAIN: NOOOOOO! No bath! NO BATH!

(KAIN comes streaking into the breakfast room, running as fast as his chubby little legs can carry him. 'Streaking' seems to be an appropriate word, since KAIN is now wearing only a pair of white underpants printed with chocobos and his winged baseball cap. Oh, and about three layers of cake, smeared all over his face and hair. FUSOYA arrives, chasing KAIN, but is too slow to catch the careening toddler. KAIN jumps onto the chair he was sitting in and leaps onto the table, racing straight down the middle. Once he reaches the end, he crouches momentarily before springing into an amazing leap.)

FUSOYA: Kain! NO!

KLUYA: KAIN! You'll hurt yourself!

(KAIN, completely oblivious, completes his leap, landing safely on the couch in the family room and rocketing off again. The couch is newly bedecked with smears of cake and icing. FUSOYA, knowing the layout of the house a bit better, makes a quick circle down the main hallway and catches KAIN, who starts kicking and screaming. Grim-faced, FUSOYA carries KAIN off to the bathroom again.)

KLUYA: You kids, I swear, you're going to be the death of me...

(Leaving sulky CECIL in his booster seat, KLUYA carries EDWARD into the other room. Shortly, EDWARD is seated in a big overstuffed armchair, quietly paging through a picture book and being his usual angelic self. KLUYA divides his time between keeping an eye on CECIL and cleaning cake off the couch.)

(SCENE: The main hallway. FUSOYA is in the process of carrying a pouting CECIL into the bathroom. KAIN, newly clean and changed into a blue t-shirt and matching shorts, has been freed and is wandering down the hallway. The bathroom door closes, and GOLBEZ's door opens. GOLBEZ sticks his hair out and motions to KAIN.)

GOLBEZ: Hey, Kain.

KAIN: Huh?

GOLBEZ: Tell Cecil I got Rosa and he can't have her back! Nyah nyah!

(GOLBEZ immediately slams his door shut, and we can hear a prolonged clattering from the other side, as if GOLBEZ was piling stuff in front of the door. KAIN stares at the door, round-eyed.)

(SCENE: The main room, a few minutes later. EDWARD is still paging through his book. KAIN is crouched in one corner, pushing around a little airship on wheels and making a 'brum brum' sound. FUSOYA carries the newly-clean CECIL in and deposits him on the relatively cake-free couch, then moves to the kitchen.)

KLUYA: All clean?

FUSOYA: Barely. I don't see how you stand it...

KLUYA: (sourly) Me neither.

FUSOYA: Anyway, Golbez is keeping an eye on Rosa, and the others can entertain themselves for a little... I need a smoke.

KLUYA: I'm with you.

(FUSOYA and KLUYA move out to the back porch, leaving the back door slightly open to listen for trouble. KAIN looks up. Noticing CECIL, he leaves the airship where it is and toddles over, tugging on CECIL's sleeve.)

CECIL: Huh?

KAIN: Um... Golbuz says... Golbuz says... he, um, he got Wosa.

CECIL: Rosa?

KAIN: Uh huh. He got Wosa. 'N you can't have hew, he says.

CECIL: Where's Rosa?

KAIN: I, I can take you thewe...

CECIL: Rosa! C'mon!

(CECIL grabs KAIN by the sleeve and drags him off towards the kitchen, looking very determined. EDWARD slides out of his chair and follows them, looking curious.)

(SCENE: In the kitchen. CECIL is buried in one of the lower cabinets, making a terrible clatter.  After a moment, he emerges with a handful of stuff. CECIL puts a big stewpot on his head. CECIL tries to give KAIN a pot helm too, but KAIN seems to prefer his winged baseball cap. After a moment, CECIL frowns and gives EDWARD a smaller pot, then starts handing out pot lids. CECIL then picks up a big soup ladle and waves it around a little, banging it against his pot-lid shield. KAIN goes digging in the pantry and comes out with a mop, which seems kind of clunky in conjunction with his pot-lid shield. But he doesn't seem to care.)

EDWARD: Wha'bout me?

(CECIL eyes EDWARD dubiously for a moment, then dives back into the cabinet. After a moment, he comes out with a cooling rack and tosses it to EDWARD, who drags his fingers across the wire grid and then beams.)

EDWARD: Twang!

CECIL: Kain? Where's Rosa?

KAIN: Ove' hewe...

(KAIN leads the pot-helmed group to GOLBEZ's door.)

CECIL: Golbez! You let Rosa go!

KAIN: Yeah!

EDWARD: (timidly) Yeah!

GOLBEZ: (from inside the room) You gotta come get her! Nyah nyah!

CECIL: Here I come!

KAIN: Yeah! Hewe we come!

(CECIL and KAIN start trying to open the door. The door has, however, been blocked with piles and piles of stuffed animals and action figures. The intrepid group fights the door open, past one group of stuffed animals after another, until finally they can all slip into the room. GOLBEZ is perched on his bed, behind huge piles of pillows and blankets. Behind GOLBEZ we can see ROSA, still peacefully sleeping; GOLBEZ has carefully draped several pairs of tube socks over her, so that she looks like she's tied up. As CECIL, KAIN, and EDWARD enter the room, GOLBEZ starts throwing more stuffed animals at them, as fast as he can.)

GOLBEZ: Go away! Go away! Take that! Yaaah!

(The group ducks as stuffed animals and action figures bounce off them. They manage to ward most of them off with their shields, occasionally batting at toys with their 'weapons'. EDWARD gets conked on the head with a stuffed bunny, squeals in fear, and hides behind CECIL. Movement is kind of slow, since they can't go a step without getting clobbered with more toys, and the floor is knee-deep in detritus.)

GOLBEZ: Hey, Kain!

KAIN: Huh?

GOLBEZ: Look!

(GOLBEZ holds up one hand, clutching a fairly squashed Hershey bar.)

GOLBEZ: You c'n have this if you help me!

(KAIN eyes the candy bar for a moment, then turns around and whops CECIL in the face with his mop. Dust flies. CECIL sneezes and bursts into startled tears. EDWARD shrieks and runs out the door at top speed.)

CECIL: No fair! No fair! Kain, 's no fair!

KAIN: Choc-lat! Choc-lat!

(KAIN continues to swing at CECIL with his mop. CECIL hides behind his pot lid, crying.)

CECIL: No FAIR! Gimme ROSA! Kain, quit hittin' me! WAAAAH!

KAIN: Choc-lat!

(ROSA wakes up, takes in the scene with wide eyes, and starts giggling.)

ROSA: Ken 'n' Sees! Go Sees!

GOLBEZ: Hey, you're not allowed to move!

(GOLBEZ pushes ROSA back down and rearranges the tube socks over her, which isn't easy now that ROSA is awake and wriggling. But for the moment, CECIL is busy with KAIN.)

KAIN: Whop! Whop! Whop!

CECIL: OWWWWW! MOMMY!

GOLBEZ: Mommy's not home! Nyaaaah!

(Suddenly, EDWARD runs back in. His cooling rack and pot lid are missing; instead, he's got a Hershey bar clutched tightly in each hand.)

EDWARD: Kain! Looky!

(EDWARD holds out both hands, showing KAIN the pair of candy bars. KAIN blinks and stops hitting CECIL.)

KAIN: Gimme!

EDWARD: Nuh uh! Rosa firs'!

(CECIL stops crying. KAIN looks from GOLBEZ, with one candy bar, to EDWARD, with two; not a hard choice, really. KAIN whips around and starts whacking at GOLBEZ's makeshift fort with his mop. Very quickly, there is a pillow landslide, and the fort collapses. CECIL lets out an ear-splitting screech and leaps forward, whacking GOLBEZ on the head with his ladle. GOLBEZ yowls.)

GOLBEZ: OWWWW! I'm telling! I'm telling!

(GOLBEZ scrambles out of the ruins of his pillow fort and over the pile of toys, running out of the room.)

GOLBEZ: (distantly) DAAAAAAAAADDY!

(CECIL leaps up onto the bed and pulls all the socks off the giggling ROSA. All three boys start jumping up and down and waving their arms around, screaming.)

CECIL: YAAAY!

KAIN: We win! We win!

EDWARD: Yay!

(After a moment, ROSA starts jumping around and waving her arms too. CECIL picks her up, clumsily, and helps her get down off the bed. KAIN turns to EDWARD, who hands him the two squashed Hershey bars. Within seconds, an ecstatic KAIN is smeared from head to toe in chocolate. ROSA tackles a grinning CECIL and they both fall backwards into the mound of pillows, giggling. EDWARD picks up CECIL's discarded ladle and beats on CECIL's stewpot helm with it, making an unmusical racket. And it is this scene that KLUYA walks in on, a sniveling GOLBEZ in tow.)

KLUYA: ... Cecil!

CECIL: ... uh oh.

KLUYA: That's right, uh oh! What the heck were you thinking? You could have hurt your brother!

CECIL: He had Rosa!

KLUYA: ... Cecil, your uncle asked your brother to watch Rosa! Did you make this mess?

CECIL: NUH uh!

KAIN: He tol' me tell Cecil that he had Wosa...

EDWARD: We win!

ROSA: Yaaaaaay Sees!

(KLUYA eyes the roomful of messy, ecstatic toddlers, and just... gives up.)

KLUYA: Cecil, tell your brother you're sorry for hitting him.

CECIL: But I not sorry!

KLUYA: Say so anyway!

CECIL: ...

KLUYA: Cecil.

CECIL: NO! No no no no no no NO!

GOLBEZ: (sniffling) I hate you! You're a mean little brat! I'm gonna hate you forever!

CECIL: I hate you too! Nyaaaaaaah!

(CURTAIN.)

back to library