| Suikoden III - Love In An Elevator
Man oh man, I haven't written a parody in well over a year. But, you
know, sometimes you just have to, right?
Some language, very suggestive sexual situations, minor spoilers mostly
related to people you can recruit.
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| (SCENE: Budehuc Castle, outside the library on the top floor. The door
opens, revealing a grinning ACE.)
ACE: 'Scuse me, buddy... (The Duck Villager admiring the painting in the hall scoots out of ACE's way. Carefully smoothing his particolored leather armor over his chest, ACE saunters down the hall and presses the elevator call button, then stands there whistling while the lift groans and creaks upwards. Eventually it arrives and the glass-and-wood doors slide open, revealing SHIZU and a few inhabitants, all of whom exit the elevator.) SHIZU: Second floor: library, bedrooms, suggestion box, inexplicable hole in wall... oh! Mister Ace! Going down, sir? ACE: ... heh heh heh. You betcha. (ACE steps into the elevator and the doors close. We can hear the groaning and squeaking of the elevator cables for a moment... then, abruptly, they stop.) SHIZU: (from inside the elevator) Oh! Oh, MY! (SCENE: Budehuc Castle, first floor, just outside the elevator doors. VIKI is here, standing rather hopelessly in place next to the Blinking Mirror while people stream by in both directions.) VIKI: (half-singing) La de da de da goodness isn't it a lovely day more ham prime minister? Oh he's such a lovely little malefactor Ms. Ralston... (THOMAS walks down the stairs from the second floor and heads over to VIKI, smiling hopefully.) THOMAS: Miss Viki! Good morning! How are you? VIKI: Oh goodness good morning sir where is your red vest? Incognito today? Inelegant? Infertile? THOMAS: ... VIKI: And your little gold headband is missing and your green-and-purple scarf and those shoes aren't HALF as pointy pointy pointy has anyone ever told you you look just like a very tall hobbit? THOMAS: ... good morning, Viki. (VIKI shakes her head violently.) VIKI: Oh! Master Thomas! Good morning! (THOMAS beams, as we hear the elevator next to them begin to move.) THOMAS: Good morning, miss V... (THOMAS' voice trails off as the elevator grinds to a halt somewhere between the first and second floor and a very upset female voice issues from within.) SHIZU: (from inside the elevator) Oh! Oh MY! Mister ACE! Stop that THIS INSTANT! ACE: (from inside the elevator, very quietly) Shh now. SHIZU: (from inside the elevator) Mister ACE! Oh dear, don't... don't! ACE: (from inside the elevator, laughing a little) Don't what? SHIZU: (from inside the elevator) Oh... oh my... oh, mister Ace, I... oooooooh... (THOMAS blinks at VIKI. VIKI smiles cluelessly at THOMAS.) THOMAS: (quietly) Oh dear. VIKI: What's the matter, Master McDohl? Your lumbago too hot? Sheep too tight? THOMAS: Er, yes, Viki, that's exactly it, sheep too, er, too tight... will you excuse me? VIKI: Okey-dokey, Master Genkaku! Would you like a manor house before you go? I have a couple left over from breakfast but they're a little reflective... (THOMAS flaps his hands helplessly in VIKI's direction.) THOMAS: Er no Viki that's quite all right please excuse me! (THOMAS rushes off at top speed. VIKI continues to stand where she was, staring off at nothing, while from right beside her impassioned voices and suggestive little creaking noises continue to emanate from the closed elevator doors.) SHIZU: (from inside the elevator) Oh... oh, I... oh... oh! What are you... ACE: (from inside the elevator) Shh! Quiet! Someone will hear us! VIKI: (oblivious) I wish I had some more dragonfly jam, it goes so well with my hair... SHIZU: (from inside the elevator, agitatedly) Don't do that! Oh, no, you mustn't! ACE: (from inside the elevator) ... why not? You don't want me to? SHIZU: (from inside the elevator) Oh, oh it's not that, it's... oh dear, I... oh mister ACE! (A very distraught THOMAS comes skidding back around the corner at top speed, with QUEEN hard on his heels. They both skid to a halt in front of the elevator doors, just in time to hear:) ACE: (from inside the elevator) That's it... that's... aaaaah... that's right... SHIZU: (from inside the elevator, now VERY agitated) No, mister Ace, you... aaa!... MUSTN'T! (The elevator starts to make very suggestive rhythmic creaking sounds. THOMAS and QUEEN exchange a glance, THOMAS highly distraught, QUEEN struggling not to laugh.) ACE: (from inside the elevator, laughing a little) Why not? SHIZU: (from inside the elevator) The elevator isn't built for this kind of thing! You're... eeeeeek!... putting too much strain on the cables! They won't... (Suddenly, with a very loud TWONNNG! sound, the elevator cable snaps. With a rapidly escalating rumble the elevator goes plummeting down the shaft with nothing to stop it.) SHIZU: (from inside the elevator, plummeting) ... hooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD! ACE: (from inside the elevator, also plummeting) Oh SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! (Moments later there is a resounding crash from three stories below that shakes the entire castle. Dust puffs out between the elevator doors a moment later.) QUEEN: ... oh shit. THOMAS: Oh DEAR. VIKI: Oh! Funnelcakes! (Neither QUEEN nor THOMAS even blink in VIKI's direction.) QUEEN: I'll run get Geddoe. THOMAS: I, er, I'll just stand here and panic, shall I? QUEEN: You do that, kiddo. THOMAS: Yes ma'am! (QUEEN dashes off at top speed. THOMAS stands where he is and wrings his hands violently. VIKI puts a lock of her hair in her mouth and sucks on it. After a moment, some very very faint voices drift up from the elevator shaft.) ACE: (from inside the remains of the elevator) ... ooooh... I think I lost my... SHIZU: (from inside the remains of the elevator) No, mister Ace, it's... ow... it's right here... ACE: (from inside the remains of the elevator) What good is... ow... what good is it going to do me all the way over there? SHIZU: (from inside the remains of the elevator) I don't... oh, my head... I don't know, mister Ace, but it's not LOST... ow... is it, now? (CURTAIN.) |
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===== COMMENTS: ... hee hee hee hee. Oh, I always pick on the womanizers, don't I? I feel as if I should apologize to Aerosmith... wait, no, I think they might approve. I don't know where that characterization of Viki came from, but boy, was that ever fun to write. Chess pieces! Prawns! I love Thomas so much. |