(MUSTADIO sits cross-legged in the center of the floor, tinkering with a large square device. RAMZA sprawls in a beanbag chair nearby, a large mug of soda balanced on his chest.)

RAMZA: So, anyway, Agrias has great legs, sure, but she's just a little too... horsey-faced for me.

MUSTADIO: Horsey-faced? You have no taste. It's just because she doesn't have those explosive bangs like you do.

(RAMZA snorts.)

RAMZA: Explosive... bah. You know who I really like, though... Malak.

MUSTADIO: Uh... Malak?

RAMZA: Yeah... those exotic dark-skinned women... they really work for me.

(MUSTADIO puts down his screwdriver to stare at RAMZA.)

MUSTADIO: You mean Rafa, don't you?

RAMZA: Hell no. I'm not into guys, no matter what people say about Delita and me.

MUSTADIO: Delita and... gah. Anyway. You do realize that Rafa is the girl and Malak is the guy, right?

RAMZA: ...

MUSTADIO: I mean, I thought it should be obvious. Rafa's a much more girly name. Girly names end in 'a' all the time.

RAMZA: Oh, right, sure, that explains me and Delita, huh?

MUSTADIO: ...

RAMZA: And meanwhile we have Agrias and Meliadoul and Reis. So much for your theory.

MUSTADIO: Okay, it was a crap theory. But still. Rafa is the girl and Malak is the guy. I swear.

RAMZA: ... Oh hell. Are you sure?

MUSTADIO: Positive, swear to the Zodiac, hope to die, stick a Save The Queen in my eye.

RAMZA: There's going to be quite an uproar when a certain love letter arrives for Malak, then.

(MUSTADIO stares at RAMZA for a moment, then breaks out in gales of laughter.)

MUSTADIO: HAH! Oh, Zodiac, you... HAH HAH HAH!... you DIDN'T!

(RAMZA burrows down into the beanbag chair, ears going red.)

RAMZA: You don't have to rub it in, you know.

(MUSTADIO continues to laugh, reaching for his screwdriver. As he picks it up, he fumbles it, and the screwdriver falls into the device, wedging itself deeply into the mechanism. Showers of sparks fly everywhere as MUSTADIO scrambles backwards.)

RAMZA: Aaaack! What did you DO, Mustadio?

MUSTADIO: I don't know! Shit! Unplug it!

(RAMZA grabs the plug nearby and yanks it out, as the room is filled with a cloud of greasy black smoke. MUSTADIO yanks open the window and airs out the room; as the smoke clears it becomes obvious that there's someone else in the room.)

RAMZA: Hey! Who are you?

(The painfully familiar spiky-haired blond man scrambles to his feet, looking wildly about.)

PFS-HBM: Where am I? What happened? Who are y... oh, my God, where is your nose?!

(The PFS-HBM reaches up and gropes at his own face for a moment, then screams.)

PFS-HBM: OH MY GOD! Where's MY nose?! Aaaaaaa!

MUSTADIO{ (to RAMZA) Uh... what's a nose?

RAMZA: (to MUSTADIO) Damned if I know. Some kind of facial thing, based on the way he's grappling his cheeks there. (RAMZA raises his voice.) Please calm down! We don't know how you got here, but we'll do our best to help you!

PFS-HBM: Aaaaaa! I can't let Tifa see me like this!

RAMZA: Why not? You look fine to me... what's your name, anyway?

(The PFS-HBM gets a hold of himself and slowly calms down.)

PFS-HBM: Sorry. My name's Cloud...

MUSTADIO: Cloud?! What a dumb name...

(RAMZA throws a pillow at MUSTADIO.)

RAMZA: Shut up, tinker-boy! (to CLOUD) Okay, Cloud, nice to meet you... I'm Ramza, and that's Mustadio.

CLOUD: ... Boy, and he thinks -I- have a dumb name.

MUSTADIO: Shut up, cactus-head!

(RAMZA beans MUSTADIO with another pillow.)

RAMZA: I said shut up! Although I have to admit that was a nice SaGa Frontier reference.

(MUSTADIO grins.)

MUSTADIO: Yeah, I get paid ten gil every time I manage to work in a reference to another Square game. Speaking of which, pass me that box of Gear parts?

RAMZA: You do?! Shit, I have to talk to my agent... anyway. Sorry about that, Cloud. We... don't know precisely how you got here, but we'll do our best to send you back.

CLOUD: Send me back? You can't send me back without my nose! You'd think Tifa would be used to humongous anatomical deformities but she won't love me any more without a nose!

MUSTADIO: There he goes with that 'nose' thing again.

RAMZA: Damned if I know. (to CLOUD) Well, we'll see about having you a 'nose' made, then. If you can draw a couple of pictures of it we can probably see about making designs from it...

MUSTADIO: Yeah, Working Designs.

(A large chocobo crashes through the wall of the house, tramples MUSTADIO viciously, steals his money pouch, and crashes out the other wall. Stunned silence reigns.)

RAMZA: Oh, BAD move, Mr. I-Get-Ten-Gil. You ought to know better than to refer to you-know-who around here...

MUSTADIO: Ow... my head...

CLOUD: Was that a chocobo? It looked... kind of deformed.

RAMZA: Looked fine to me...

CLOUD: Yeah, it would. (mutters) Noseless freak.

(RAMZA manages to keep his temper in check.)

RAMZA: Look, be nice, okay? Until we can get you a nose made, you can't go back, so you might as well help us in our Brave Story.

CLOUD: Wow, I could HEAR the capital letters in that one.

RAMZA: It's a gift. Anyway, do you want to come fight with us? I promise certain doom!

CLOUD: ... Sure, what the hell. I don't care.

RAMZA: Great!

(RAMZA rummages around MUSTADIO's room, digging up a surprising amount of gear.)

RAMZA: Okay, here's a sword, and here's a shield, and here's...

CLOUD: What's a shield?

RAMZA: ... Okay, no shield. Here's some armor...

CLOUD: What's armor?

RAMZA: ... Uh, okay, no armor either.

CLOUD: And where's the sword? All you gave me was this toothpick.

RAMZA: Toothpick?! That's a Defender!

CLOUD: Uh... okay, this isn't going to work. What I'm looking for is something about three times as long, and a blade about... yea wide.

MUSTADIO: That's ridiculous! How could you swing something like that?

RAMZA: I'll... I'll talk to our Lancers, maybe they have something you can use.

CLOUD: A lance?! Oh, what, do I look like Cid?

RAMZA: I don't know... maybe if you grew a beard... but what's Orlandu got to do with this anyway?

CLOUD: Aaaagh! You two are driving me NUTS!

(CLOUD rushes out through one of the gaping chocobo-holes in the wall.)

MUSTADIO: ... Oh, good going, Fearless Leader.

RAMZA: Shut up!

MUSTADIO: Well, at least you'll have an interesting story to tell your new lady-love Malak.

RAMZA: Dammit, SHUT UP!

(RAMZA tackles MUSTADIO, and they roll around on the floor punching each other.)

MUSTADIO: Hey! No groping! I know you're sexually confused and all that, but save it for Malak!

RAMZA: That's IT!

(RAMZA smashes MUSTADIO in the face, blackening his eye.)

MUSTADIO: Agh! Ow! You bastard!

RAMZA: Shit! I'm sorry, Mustadio! I forgot it was my turn to be a Monk!

MUSTADIO: My EYE!

RAMZA: ... Don't you mean, your NOSE?

MUSTADIO: (sourly) Stop joking and go get me an icepack.

RAMZA: Yeah... icepack... be right back!

(RAMZA rushes out through the other chocobo hole. A few moments later, AGRIAS walks in, looking dismayed at all the damage.)

AGRIAS: What happened here? Mustadio? Ouch, what happened to your eye?

MUSTADIO: Uhh... a wild Behemoth! It was trying to trample Ramza, but I fought it off... it got me once or twice, though.

AGRIAS: Wow, that was... really brave of you. If not too bright. Why didn't you just shoot it?

MUSTADIO: I... uh... I must have forgotten in the heat of the moment.

AGRIAS: I see.

MUSTADIO: Aren't you going to comfort me or soothe my wounds or anything?

AGRIAS: ...

(AGRIAS reaches out and gingerly pats MUSTADIO on the shoulder twice.)

AGRIAS: There, there. Now... have you seen Ramza? There's a rumor of some blond-headed maniac getting beaten to within an inch of his life by one of the local flower girls, and I was afraid it might be him.

MUSTADIO: Uh... probably not. He was just here.

AGRIAS: Ah, that's good. I was a bit worried. Anyway, when he comes back, tell him I was looking for him, okay?

(AGRIAS leaves.)

MUSTADIO: 'There, there'? Hell. Ramza's right, she DOES look like a horse.

(CURTAIN.)

I mean, I guess Rafa is a reasonably feminine name. So's Delita. Deal.

So, since I had such a hard time assigning name to face in the case of Rafa and Malak, I figured maybe Ramza had the same problem. Plus I just really liked the idea of Ramza and Mustadio lounging around talking crap with each other, and the concept of Ramza laying flat in a beanbag chair with a big mug balanced on his chest and his legs straight out in front of him... it's an image my mind just won't let go of.

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