Vagrant Story: The Merrie Comedie of Afhley the Riotouf
Aie, what have I done now? Well, okay, so there were too many people with pseudo-Shakespearian names in Vagrant Story (two!) so I had to write it this way...
Spoilers from hell. You were warned. If you haven't finished the game, don't read this.
=====
 
(SCENE: A large room in a palatial residence. ASHLEY stands in the center of the room, looking bleak. A number of mostly-faceless people line the walls, standing half in shadow.) 

COUNCILOR 1: Avaunt, ye scuttles, and hearken unto me. What doth our man say? 

COUNCILOR 2: Alas! The Mullenkamps, yon scoundrels of mystic mien, hath breached the walls of Bardoba! 

COUNCILOR 1: Fie! Fie on them! Ashley! 

ASHLEY: I hear, good sir. Command me, I obey. 

COUNCILOR 1: Ah, 'twere well. Ashley, prithee, go forth and free yon Bardobas, and bring an end to the treachery of the young rogue Sydney! 

ASHLEY: 'Tis well. I go anon. 

(SCENE: The Bardoba mansion. ASHLEY and CALLO stand outside.) 

ASHLEY: Verily, I must enter. 

CALLO: I say thee nay, good agent! Surely some reinforcements must come to thy aid soon... 

ASHLEY: Nay, wench. There be reinforcements; I am they. 

CALLO: Woe! Alone? 

ASHLEY: Indeed. Witness; I go. 

(ASHLEY enters the mansion, where he is confronted by a pair of cultists.) 

CULTIST 1: Prithee, good sir, turn thy back and leave; you may not enter. 

CULTIST 2: Aye, 'tis true. Closed are these doors to ye; pray leave. 

ASHLEY: By the pricking of my blade, I create permission. 

CULTIST 1: Alas! Is this a sword I see, its pointy end towards my belly? 

ASHLEY: Aye, that 'tis. Make your peace with whichever foul god you serve. 

CULTIST 1: Woe, I am slain! Curses on thee, Riskbreaker! 

CULTIST 2: Alas, I am slain also! 

(ASHLEY steps over the two bodies and enters the Bardoba mansion.) 

(SCENE: Another room in the Bardoba mansion. SYDNEY, HARDIN, and JOSHUA are here.) 

HARDIN: Sydney! I say to thee, we must get hence! Romeo and his dogs of war are near 'pon us! 

SYDNEY: And yet we have not found that which we seek? 

HARDIN: The time grows short! We must away! 

SYDNEY: Alas. Bring the boy; we leave for Lea Monde. 

(HARDIN leaves, carrying Joshua.) 

SYDNEY: And thus it begins. 'Twas ever thus; the striving of man against man 
Is a tale oft told. I pit myself against another; he strives to seek my life with 
His blood-stained blade. Yet this other speaks to me in a language I know well; 
Let him show me his soul. I shall seek his secrets and speak them; perchance he 
Shall shudder and fall beneath the darkness of his soul. And perchance not. 
Mullenkamp guide me... Life is a gamble, this much I know. 
Hark! Romeo cometh. To the tunnels of Lea Monde we go. 

(SCENE: The entrance to Lea Monde. ASHLEY and CALLO enter.) 

CALLO: Wherefore do you enter alone, O Riotous One? Hark, the numbers of the enemy are legion... 

ASHLEY: This I know. I have, alas, sworn a most hateful oath, that none of the Mullenkampers shall escape my vengeance. 

CALLO: Yet reconsider, valiant knight! Your enemies also number in their ranks the knights most skillful of the Crimson Blades! 

ASHLEY: Alack, I am perchance undone, then... yet I must press on! Press on! 

CALLO: Go, then, dear Agent. My thoughts go with thee... 

ASHLEY: Aye, this I know. Yet I did not envision thee with a beard... 

CALLO: Alack! 'Tis Hardin employing his sorcerous scrying upon thee! Make haste! Get thee gone! 

ASHLEY: I am off, forthwith! 

(ASHLEY exits. SYDNEY arrives.) 

SYDNEY: Good evening, and well met, fair lady. Alas, I must insist that you accompany me to my dank lair. 

CALLO: Oh woe! I am lost! 

(SCENE: Under Lea Monde. ASHLEY stands alone in the center of the room, surrounded by the corpses of wolves and bats.) 

ASHLEY: And here I stand, alone once more. 'Tis my fate 
To be forever thus; I should weep were I less strong, 
Less resolute. Battle holds no comfort, yet fight I must, 
To keep the jackals of memory at bay; Tia! Tia!... No. 
I must forget forthwith. Some day her slayers will come to grief 
'Pon my sword. But hark! What be this noise? A Dullahan, 
old and full of fury, come to vent his rage 'pon my corpus! 

(A fight ensues. Shortly, the DULLAHAN is mortally wounded.) 

DULLAHAN: Alas, I die again! A pox on thee, Riot, that I should suffer so! 

(DULLAHAN dies.) 

ASHLEY: It is forever thus. Friendless, loveless, I wander alone 
Through the dark and the mire... my weapons, my only friends. 
They alone shall not leave me through this cold, cold night. Hark! 
What is this? A Rusty Nail! Tho' some might call me touched, I 
Welcome thee, o polearm. Shortly shall you join me on my endless quest. 
After I replace thine haft and gems. Such is my life; there will be no rest. 

(SCENE: A small cathedral. SYDNEY kneels here, scraping at the floor with his claws. Nearby stand HARDIN, CALLO, and JOSHUA, watching.) 

HARDIN: What is it that you do, old friend? 

SYDNEY: You shall see anon, dear Hardin. Ho! Callo! Dost enjoy the company you keep? 

CALLO: Nay, foul varlet, a thousand times nay! Release me and cease these villainies without delay! 

SYDNEY: That I cannot. Ah! 'Tis done, my friends! Let us away! 

HARDIN: Pray tell, Sydney! What is't scratched upon yon cobblestones? 

SYDNEY: A present most unexpected for our dear friend Ashley... come, let us be off for pastures new. 

(They all leave.) 

(SCENE: The Snowfly Forest. ASHLEY stands within the circle of the Save Point, and ROSENCRANTZ stands at the top of the stairway.) 

ASHLEY: Hold! Who be you, who intrudes here? I warn you, block me not, for I am sworn to vengeance! 

ROSENCRANTZ: Hold, hold, good Ashley. I am sent forth by your masters, who desired me to assist you... come, let us be allies once more! 

ASHLEY: I say nay! Something traitorous this way comes...  I fear that you and the truth be no more than passing acquaintainces! Go hence forthwith, or I shall slay you! 

ROSENCRANTZ: Peace, Riot. I go. Yet I say... follow yon snowflies. 

(ROSENCRANTZ leaves. ASHLEY looks at the entrance to the forest.) 

ASHLEY: So many questions... nay, I shall not stop. Look ye to your defense, o boss of the Forest! I come! 

(ASHLEY strides into the forest.) 

(SCENE: The center of the Snowfly Forest. SYDNEY and ASHLEY stand facing GRISSOM and the DARK CRUSADER.) 

SYDNEY: I entreat you, Riskbreaker! Accept my aid, or certainly we both shall die here! 

ASHLEY: I like it not, but I concur... aid me, then. 

(A massive fight ensues.) 

GRISSOM: Have at thee, worm! 

ASHLEY: Nay, have at thee, scoundrel! 

(GRISSOM is mortally wounded.) 

GRISSOM: What is this? I bleed! I die! Curse you, Riot, I fall prey to the curse 'pon this place! 

(GRISSOM dies.) 

ASHLEY: So shall all who dare to cross me in my quest! 

SYDNEY: Yoicks! I go! 

(SYDNEY leaves, pursued by a bear... er, ASHLEY.) 

(SCENE: Deep in the dungeons under Lea Monde, again. ASHLEY kneels before a chest.) 

ASHLEY: Now must I retrace my steps, to try this Chest Key 'pon those chests that refused me before... see how I love thee, perfidious Sydney? I give you precious time in which to work your evil! 

(ASHLEY leaves.) 

(SCENE: The Temple of Kiltia. SYDNEY and ROSENCRANTZ stand here facing each other, and blood runs from SYDNEY's mouth.) 

ROSENCRANTZ: So, villain! Will you give me that which I desire, or must you regret your immortality yet again? Have at thee! 

(ROSENCRANTZ beats SYDNEY up some more, then cuts off his arm.) 

ROSENCRANTZ: I laugh at thee! Ho ho! Armless, legless, yet living... truly I would pity thee, were I not heartless! 

SYDNEY: Hold. You know nothing, miscreant. Witness... 

(SYDNEY puts his arm back on. ROSENCRANTZ takes a step back.) 

SYDNEY: A chancre you are upon the sacred floors of Lea Monde... and anon I shall exorcise thee. Yet abide we must, a moment more... 

(The door slams open and ASHLEY arrives.) 

SYDNEY: Ah, this farce is well ended. Look ye, Riskbreaker! A piece I remove from the chessboard! 

(SYDNEY waves his hand. KALI steps down and cuts ROSENCRANTZ into pieces.) 

ROSENCRANTZ: A mortal wound! Alas, I am undone! Farewell, cruel world, let none remember me... 

(ROSENCRANTZ dies.) 

SYDNEY: Join me anon, Ashley! I go! 

ASHLEY: Hold! What of this creature, who drips with blood yet from the slaying of the crimson-suited 
Rosencrantz? 

SYDNEY: I trust, indeed, that you will be equal to the puzzle... 

(SYDNEY leaves. ASHLEY arrays himself against KALI.) 

ASHLEY: Fie, a fine thing, this. Ye and I shall have words, cultist... have at thee, foul statue! 

KALI: What be this, that rages against me? An insect, a worm? Nay, 'tis a snarling cur! A fighting cock! 

ASHLEY: Make not jest of me, loathly being! See, I strike thee! 

KALI: Woe! I bleed! 

ASHLEY: More shall you bleed before I am finished! A touch! A touch again! 

KALI: Alack, I am slain. See, my heads droop, my arms fall... I die. Curses 'pon thee! 

(KALI dies.) 

ASHLEY: 'Tis ever thus. Cursed am I a thousand times over; e'en the curse spoken by a goddess 
Shalt not affect me further. Sydney! I come to thee! 

(SCENE: The Cathedral. ASHLEY faces off against the Nightmare, the elemental lord.) 

ASHLEY: Djinn, Marid, Efreet... none of these shall prevail! 
My Phantom weapon hast slain them all... 'tis stronger than thee 
As well, foul Nightmare! In truth, its points be o'er ninety! 

NIGHTMARE: I am undone! Your strength be tremendous, Riskbreaker.... I applaud thee. Hark! Canst 
hear the loons? 

(NIGHTMARE dies.) 

ASHLEY: Onwards I come, Sydney. Prepare for me the answers, or I shalt take them from your hide... 

(SCENE: The Cathedral. SYDNEY, HARDIN, CALLO, and JOSHUA stand about in a group. Suddenly, ROMEO and SAMANTHA appear.) 

SYDNEY: Hark! What do you here, shooter of crossbow bolts? Never shall I surrender the power o' Lea Monde to such as you, cur! 

ROMEO: Alas, Sydney, woe be unto you and yours, for I am determined... you I cannot slay, but these I shall, 'less what I require becomes mine and most speedily. The land... nay, the world... requires this of me! Truly, I shalt use the power to cast down th' merchants! Revolution is nigh! 

SYDNEY: This I cannot allow! Hardin, Callo, Joshua, get thee gone posthaste! 

(HARDIN, CALLO, and JOSHUA all disappear.) 

ROMEO: O, foul Mullenkamper, what hast thou wrought? No matter. The Rood I seek remains... shalt be mine! 

SYDNEY: O! The anguish! Truly, 'tis like fire playing 'pon my back... I beg of thee, do not this deed, Guildenstern! 

ROMEO: Untimely, dear Sydney, 'tis done. 

SYDNEY: O, o, I swoon, I die... 

ROMEO: Nay, cultist, die you do not. 

SYDNEY: 'Tis truth. I hath forgotten in mine agony. 

ROMEO: Come, dearest Samantha, let us be gone. 

SAMANTHA: Any deed for thou, my Romeo. 

ROMEO: Indeed, my love, any deed? 

SAMANTHA: So I swear. 

(SCENE: The Cathedral. SYDNEY lies here, in a pool of his own blood. ASHLEY kneels beside him.) 

SYDNEY: What, art forgiving me, Riskbreaker? Helpless I lie here; go, take your vengeance, I shall stop you not. 

ASHLEY: Nay. A soldier I am, not a murderer... a fair fight or none at all. Die if you likest, I care not; but no 
weapon of mine shall slay thee. 

SYDNEY: Truly you are worthy... I hath chosen well. Beware the Crimson Blade... his o'erweening pride shall be the death of you, or he. It is well; I am satisfied. 

ASHLEY: To be your plaything pleases me not, rascal, but there are few choices left, and I must go upwards 
anon. 

SYDNEY: Ashley... I am... 

ASHLEY: In truth, this I know. 

(SCENE: The roof of the cathedral. ROMEO, skin blackened, stands at the top of the dome wield a huge six-pointed sword. ASHLEY emerges onto the roof.) 

ROMEO: Ho ho! So, you come to cross your blade with mine, churl! Be wary, for the power is mine! 

ASHLEY: The blood of a woman lies like a stain 'pon your hand, Romeo. Hast slaughtered the fair Merlose? 

ROMEO: Nay! 'Tis the blood of the harlot Samantha, who did once share my bed! A fair sacrifice she did make, e'en at the last... 

ASHLEY: Ah, 'tis all well to me, if 'tis not Merlose. In truth, I once had no quarrel with thee, but you have 
declared yourself an enemy, and your blood shall grace my blade 'fore I rest! 

ROMEO: Then come, Riskbreaker, come! We shall have the measure of you! 

(The fight begins.) 

ASHLEY: Ho, Romeo, a hit! A very palpable hit! 

ROMEO: 'Tis merely a scratch! Onwards! 

(They fight some more. ROMEO falls.) 

ASHLEY: 'Tis done? 'Twas a hard fight, and yet... a certainty gnaws 
At my belly! Oh, 'tis a Gremlin. Away, beast! But what be this? I 
Sense a most depthless evil! Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou 
Not dead? And what be this? A Rood rises beneath me! So, it 
Is to be you and I once more. I accept in good grace! Come, varlet! 
A fight! Before we leave here, your blood shall run scarlet! 

(SCENE: The glowing blue Rood, in midair. ASHLEY and the demon ROMEO dart about, striking at each other.) 

ROMEO: This power I have called for thee, Riskbreaker! Art not terrified? 

ASHLEY: Nay! A compliment to my skills inborn, 'tis all! Your power shall prove worthless against the temper o' my blade! Come! 

ROMEO: Avaunt ye! Apocalypse! 

ASHLEY: A touch, a touch, I do confess! Yet slain I am not. Have at thee! 

ROMEO: Alas! O proud Death, shalt join you? Nay! Nay, never! Taste of my skill! Bloody Sin! 

ASHLEY: The Sin! Am I undone? Nay! Nay! Let my Risk be zero! 
I shall hide under my shield... the attack harms me not. Now, buffoon! 

ROMEO: O! I am slain, I die. Let my body be borne home on a litter of gold... 

ASHLEY: Nay, a bed of dying reeds shall serve, villain. 

ROMEO: The final touch! I am undone. All that might have remember'd me fondly, I hath slain... o pride! O malice! 'Twas my own desire that undoes me! 

ASHLEY: In troth, varlet, art correct. I go. 

(SCENE: Outside Lea Monde. CALLO watches the fires burn, which HARDIN sits against the wall clutching at his side.) 

CALLO: O Riot, O Ashley... a thousand candles I shall light for your memory. 
'Pon my soul, 'tis a noble thing he has done; a hundred thousand tongues shall 
Sing his praises. Ashley, fair Ashley, I hardly knew ye, yet my heart cries out 
'Gainst your death... missed you shall be, for all the hours o' my life. Woe, woe. 
And yet... what is this? Hardin, do you die? 

HARDIN: I die indeed, fair lady. Watch o'er the boy, if it please you; I shall do so no more. Alas... 

JOSHUA: Hardin! Go not, valiant one! 

HARDIN: Apologies must be made quickly; I am shamed by the terror you knew. You speak at last... I am 
satisfied. 

(HARDIN dies.) 

CALLO: And now Hardin, who I knew too little and too late... and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are surely dead. O Riot, hast joined them? I pray not. Come, boy, let us away. 

(SCENE: The street outside BARDOBA's house. ASHLEY and SYDNEY stand at the gate.) 

SYDNEY: And so I go, to end my travails at the last. In truth, my back pains me... shalt be a relief to end this too, too solid existence. 

ASHLEY: Go, and wear my face with my blessings. I shall wander evermore. 

SYDNEY: Fare thee well, adventurer, vagrant. 

(SYDNEY enters the mansion. ASHLEY stands outside, watching. After a while, a watchman challenges ASHLEY.) 

WATCHMAN: Ho! Who goes there? Produce your papers! 

ASHLEY: What, challenge me? Art Callo Merlose, of VKP! 

WATCHMAN: O, pardon this poor soul, lady! I grovel at your feet, do me no harm! 

ASHLEY: Nay, good man. I free you; go. 

(The watchman leaves. ASHLEY turns and looks at the mansion one more time.) 

ASHLEY:  A dreamless sleep to thee, Losstarot. I go anon, never to see these walls more... 
Truly, I am saddened. 'Tis always thus, to leave behind that which I know. 
And yet... away I must. Tia, Tia, I come to thee soon, yet not as yet. I must 
Expiate my sins in wandering; now am I the traveler, the vagrant. 
None shall note me; I pass unremarked in the night, a stranger. 
A soldier. And yet, shalt I serve, wherever there be danger. 

(EXEUNT.)


=====
COMMENTS: Whee! It's actually an IMMENSE amount of fun to write bad pseudo-Shakespearean dialogue... you might notice that I didn't bother putting this into iambic pentameter. Ugh.
I was writing this with the strategy guide for Vagrant Story in one hand and my copy of Marlowe's Shakespeare in the other... makes you wonder how I typed, huh?

back to parody
back to library