(RAMZA, in tennis shorts and sweater, perches on a chair drinking sparkling water and chatting idly with CHET, who bears the tell-tale semi-Mohawk haircut of a Calculator.)

CHET: I SAY, old man, Perri's just going to have KITTENS when she sees my hair... you are a CRUEL man.

RAMZA: Tut tut, Chet old bean. That was one of the terms of the bet, don't you know.

CHET: Oh, absolutely. I simply did NOT think your Alpha could hit 280...

RAMZA: Ho ho ho! Almers and I found the most DIVINE little mechanic... Mustadio's a bit declasse', don't you know, but machines LOVE him.

(Nearby, three girls in various magicians' gear, BUNNY, BUFFY, and MUFFY, chatter amongst themselves.)

MUFFY: So, Bunny dahling, are you going to Gariland for the start of the season?

BUNNY: How I'd love to... but Mumsie dear absolutely INSISTS that I stay at home and work on my priestly skills... what a booooooore.

BUFFY: Oh, how TERRIBLE! Bunny dearest, you really MUST see about getting yourself a place in town... the old manor is tres charming, after all, but Mumsie seems a bit... dictatorial...

BUNNY: Well, if PRESSED, I would have to admit that Mumsie dear does have a point... I spent so much time grooming Beaukeau for the racing this year that my grades were simply awful. If I don't do SOMEthing I might be held BACK a year...

(All three girls shudder lightly.)

MUFFY: But it was WORTH it, Bunny. Beaukeau was simply SMASHING.

BUNNY: Thank you, Muffy darling. Chocobo racing IS a bit nouveau, but I'll be DAMNED if I go into breeding polo chocobos like Mumsie.

BUFFY: Bunny dearest! Don't SAY things like that!

(On the other side of Ramza's table, a table of several people: BUCKY, wearing the tidy white ascot of an Mediator, BIMS, a perky miss with the bob haircut of a Monk, and a pack of indistinguishable Archers of both sexes.)

BUCKY: So Popsy's older sister decides that she's going to become a DANCER...

BIMS: Oh poor poor Popsy! How... how COMMON!

BUCKY: Oh absolutely... Popsy is simply frantic. The Register will drop her family for CERTAIN now. Especially after her mother's little infatuation with that... that commoner.

BIMS: How terribly vulgar... I should certainly hope never to be caught dead within a MILE of a common person. Here! Garcon! Another canape, if you please!

(BIMS takes a canape from the tray of a uniformed man who looks alarmingly like a grim-faced DELITA.)

BIMS: I don't mean to sound CRUEL, Bucky darling, but Popsy's family IS sort of nouveau, aren't they? After all, my family's been in the Register longer than Popsy's family has had blond hair!

BUCKY: Bims! You're just awful, darling!

(DELITA silently puts down his tray and reaches over, pulling back BIMS' artfully tousled bangs. BUCKY and the Archers all stare at the quarter-inch of dark brown roots showing on BIMS.)

BIMS: Aaaaaaaaa!

(BIMS runs off. DELITA reclaims his tray and moves on.)

BUCKY: Well, I never. She's certainly got a nerve, passing herself off as one of us.

(The Archers all mutter spitefully, glancing at the door through which BIMS disappeared.)

RAMZA: I say! Whatever's the matter with Bims?

BUCKY: Bims? Who's Bims?

RAMZA: Dear me, Bucky, are you getting old and fusty?

(One of the archers comes forward and whispers in RAMZA's ear. RAMZA's face hardens.)

RAMZA: Oh, well, never mind... come on, lads and lassies! It's world-saving time!

(Chattering joyfully amongst themselves, the pack goes off to change into their 'working togs'.)

(SCENE: The Bariaus Valley. RAMZA and a few of his friends are here, facing across the valley. On the other side are a handful of Goblins, a couple of Cuars, and a Mindflare.)

RAMZA: I say, old chap, this doesn't look good, what?

CHET: Oh, spot on! That chap in the red robe looks rather angry, don't you know.

BUNNY: Oooh, how horrible. I'd best do a bit of protection, eh what?

(BUNNY flutters her hands about, as if to dry her nails.)

BUNNY: Protect!

(RAMZA, CHET, and BUNNY are all toasted by a Fire spell.)

BUNNY: Oh DRAT this Priestess shindig!

CHET: Bunny DARLING, perhaps you'd best leave the spellcasting to me.

BUNNY: Why, how simply LOVELY of you to offer, Chet. (to herself) Lowlife.

CHET: Very good. Let me see...

(CHET makes a few calculations on a leather-bound pad of paper.)

CHET: Net worth of over ten million, protect!

(All of RAMZA's team suddenly become surrounded by Protect crystals... except BUFFY.)

CHET: Why, Buffy darling!

BUFFY: Oh, Daddy dearest had one of his stock market 'spells' yesterday... you know how he is...

CHET: Ho ho ho! Indeed I do!

RAMZA: Well, all this is terribly fascinating, but it's my turn... where's my rapier?

BUCKY: Here it is, old boy!

(RAMZA moves forward and neatly skewers a Cuar.)

RAMZA: Touche'!

(All of RAMZA's friends applaud. BUFFY and BUNNY shiver a bit.)

BUFFY: I really don't do WELL with blood.

BUNNY: I know exactly what you mean.

BUCKY: I'm up!

(BUCKY strides forward, straightening his ascot, and addresses the Mindflare.)

BUCKY: I SAY, old boy, don't you think scarlet is just a tad... 'last year'? And with YOUR coloration... I simply don't think we can allow you to be SEEN with us, as long as you insist on wearing that.

MINDFLARE: Aagh!

(The Mindflare turns into a chicken and runs off.)

BUNNY: I say! Well DONE, Bucky old bean!

BUFFY: My turn!

(BUFFY lances an Ice spell into the midst of the goblins. They all shriek.)

BUFFY: Ho ho! Forty love!

RAMZA: Nicely done, Buffy darling!

(The frost-covered goblins and the remaining Cuar all move forward and strike.)

RAMZA: Yoicks! That smarts!

BUNNY: Oh! You broke my NAIL!

(BUNNY shreds the hapless goblin into tiny pieces.)

BUFFY: Bunny dearest! Are you all right? Here...

(BUFFY casts 'Heal Nail' on BUNNY.)

BUNNY: Oh THANK you, dearest, you're such a TREASURE.

CHET: Everyone on the field with more than two discolored teeth! Ice 3!

(The remainder of the goblins are blown away.)

RAMZA: One Cuar left!

BUNNY: Oh, after you, Ramza dear.

RAMZA: I simply couldn't. After you, my dear Bunny.

BUNNY: I must insist! After you!

RAMZA: Ah, well, if you insist.

(RAMZA slays the other Cuar.)

CHET: I say! Tip TOP, old bean!

RAMZA: 'Twas nothing!

BUFFY: Is that all? It is!

BUNNY: Oh, a treasure chest... gold armor? I say, how simply GAUCHE.

RAMZA: Indeed. Let me take that, I'll give it to my mechanic... he's frightfully unfashionable, but it'll do to keep on his good side!

(POPSY appears over the hill.)

POPSY: Are you done, darlings? There's still time for a spot of tennis before dark if we hurry!

RAMZA: Pip pip, cheerio! Off we go, darlings!

(The blond people all hurry off, chatting idly.)

(SCENE: Igros Castle, after dark. Blond dilettantes lounge around the spacious living room, chatting.)

RAMZA: So, ANYway, Popsy darling, I'm thinking that you might need to take a turn as a thief.

(POPSY shrieks in dismay.)

POPSY: Oh, not a THIEF, Ramza dear! They... they look like chemotherapy patients! And those LOAFERS!

BUCKY: Oh, tut tut, Popsy. You'll look simply divine in those shorts.

(POPSY dimples, smiling.)

POPSY: Bucky, you're such a card...

RAMZA: Oh, and Buffy? I'm thinking summoner's togs for you!

BUFFY: Oh tremendous! Those flowing cloaks are just to die for, and green is JUST my color.

MUFFY: And that red headband will keep your hair back SO nicely... you have such PERFECT cheekbones. I'm so jealous.

BUFFY: Why, thank you, Muffy dear...

RAMZA: And Bucky?

BUCKY: Oh, just don't, Ramza old card. I'm TOO attached to this ascot and tailcoat.

RAMZA: Not even for... a Bard's outfit?

(BUCKY's eyes go all shiny.)

BUCKY: A bard?! Ramza old bean, I'm forever in your debt! I'll change immediatement!

RAMZA: That's the spirit!

(After a few more hours of chatter, the party dies down and people head home.)

POPSY: Ta-ta, Ramza dear! See you tomorrow!

RAMZA: Not if I see you first! Ha ha... toodles!

BUCKY: Ladies, shall we go?

(BUCKY the new Bard wanders into the night, with BUFFY, BUNNY, and MUFFY clinging to his arms.)

RAMZA:Au revoir! Toodles! Ciao!

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