| FF7: Overdose
Another dumb little parody, picking on Yuffie. Mostly just severe wish-fulfillment. Several spoilers, a bit of bad language, plenty of extraneous violence.
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| (SCENE: The desert under Gold Saucer. On the sand is the huge carcass
of RUBY WEAPON, slowly melting away. Before it is CLOUD, badly wounded;
TIFA, unconscious on the ground, and YUFFIE, sitting on the sand.)
(The others arrive on the Highwind. Potions and Cure materia are applied, and CLOUD and TIFA are brought around.) TIFA: What a fight! I'm exhausted... look at that, he ripped a big rent right down the front of my shirt... (TIFA stretches luxuriously, pretending not to notice male eyes popping out onto the sand all around her.) CLOUD: Yeah... uh... yeah... he was something... right Yuffie? ... Yuffie? (Everyone turns to look at YUFFIE, who is still sitting on the sand. On closer examination, her eyes are unfocused, her mouth is slack, and her skin seems to be... glowing.) BARRET: What th' hell? CLOUD: I dunno... maybe Weapon did something to her, I was a little too occupied to notice... BARRET: Shit. Well, grab her, man, let's get her aboard. (SCENE: Aboard the Highwind. YUFFIE still sits in the same position... still glowing and unfocused. The other stand around, looking alternately worried, confused, interested, and highly amused.) CLOUD: So what's wrong with her? BARRET: I dunno. Man, she looks more clueless than usual. CID: Poor kid... she looks kind of happy, though, yanno? CLOUD: Uh... yeah, now that you mention it, she does, sort of. (YUFFIE suddenly screams and pokes herself in the forehead with her forefingers, screaming.) YUFFIE: OH MY GOD! I'M OPAQUE! I'M OPAQUE! (YUFFIE subsides again, drooling slightly.) VINCENT: Hm. I have a suspicion... did either of you notice how many potions she used during the fight? Specifically the more powerful ones? CLOUD: I didn't notice... TIFA: I sure as hell did. She hogged THREE of our X-Potions. CLOUD: THREE? Little brat... VINCENT: Hm. Just as I suspected. That many X-Potions in that short a time... she's overdosed. TIFA: Ack! So... what do we do? VINCENT: Well, she has so much healing magic saturating her tissues... the easiest way to bring her around is to damage her until the excess magic's been used up. EVERYONE: ... TIFA: Wait a minute. You're saying we have to beat hell out of Yuffie to save her? VINCENT: Precisely. EVERYONE: ... CLOUD: Man, this job's a gift from God... (TIFA smacks CLOUD on the back of the head.) TIFA: Hey, you're not in Tactics yet, spike-boy. CLOUD: Uh. Right. Sorry. TIFA: So what are we waiting for? (Without further ado, TIFA slams her fist into YUFFIE's jaw. The others look at each other for a moment, then quickly set about beating hell out of YUFFIE; all except VINCENT, who stands back and watches the procedure.) CID: Damn! *oof* Most fun I've had all year! *grunt* TIFA: DOLPHIN KICK! (Everyone pauses for a moment to watch, jaws agape, as TIFA's leg goes hurtling up past her shoulder. Once her miniskirt is safely back in place, the beating continues.) VINCENT: Yes, that seems to be working. You can see that the odd glow is fading. CLOUD: Damn it, Barret, watch it with the gun! BARRET: Shit, sorry Cloud. YUFFIE: ...uh... oh... huh? Ow! OW! OWOOOOOOO! VINCENT: That would seem to be sufficient. ... I said, that would seem to be sufficient. ... Is anyone listening to me? TIFA: Sure! We're just ignoring you! -Neo-Bahamut-! YUFFIE: AIIEEEEEK! VINCENT: Ahem. You do realize if you keep this up, she's going to... (TIFA shrieks.) TIFA: YOU GREEDY LITTLE SELF-SERVING THIEVING BITCH! VINCENT: ...use the last of our X-Potions to save herself? BARRET: AAAAAAARGH DAMMIT YUFFIE! YUFFIE: STOP BEATING MY ASS THEN! (With a certain amount of difficulty, the others manage to stop beating up YUFFIE. Still glowing, but only faintly, YUFFIE staggers to her feet and stumbles off to her quarters.) VINCENT: Well, that was exciting. CLOUD: She wasn't worth beans for EXP, either. TIFA: No kidding. (After a short pause, TIFA reaches out and whacks CLOUD in the back of the head.) CLOUD: OW! What was that for?! TIFA: I just thought you might be worth more EXP... being the main character and all... BARRET: Hey! Did it work? CLOUD: Hey! TIFA: No, no better... BARRET: Shit. VINCENT: Tch. Enough. Anyway... Emerald Weapon, anyone? TIFA: Sure! Let's... uh... not bring Yuffie this time, what say? CLOUD: Good idea. I don't want her getting her paws on our Elixirs. (Everyone shudders.) (CURTAIN.) |
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===== COMMENTS: Okay, so it's definitely not my best work. It's a one-joke fic, but when the joke involves lots of gratuitous Yuffie-beating... hey, works for me! |