| Xenogears: A Public Service Announcement
In the past, I've had a lot of trouble writing decent Xenogears parodies. This one's actually... not bad. Although it's a little more serious than a lot of my parodies. Funny, that. Spoilers, many many spoilers. Finish the game, THEN read this. Foul language ahoy. ===== |
| (SCENE: A comfortably furnished but completely bland living room. FEI
is here, sitting on an overstuffed tan couch, looking very earnest, hands
loosely clasped in his lap.)
FEI: Hi. My name is Fei. A lot of you may remember me from my role in saving the world from Deus. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about today. You see, kids, I'm here because I want to talk to you about... premarital sex. (Pause. FEI leans forward on the couch, making very serious eye contact with the camera.) FEI: You see, a few years ago, I... indulged in premarital sex. And even though I later married the woman, I felt like I had lost something... lost something very special. FEMALE VOICE FROM OFF CAMERA: Yes, your virginity, you idiot. (FEI blinks. From somewhere a voice yells 'Cut!') FEI: Elly? What's wrong? Why did you interrupt us? (ELLY strides in and stands there, staring down at FEI.) ELLY: What IS this junk, Fei? You've never regretted having sex with me at that point! Not once! FEI: But... (ELLY lowers her voice.) ELLY: And I never regretted it either, tiger. And haven't regretted any of the times since. Especially not last Thursday, with the handcuffs... (FEI fidgets.) ELLY: So I want to know why you want to sit here and let these people pay you money to say that you DID! FEI: Because they're PAYING me, Elly! They're paying me a LOT of money! Enough to get the hip sockets in the Xenogears fixed! ELLY: So you were going to go out before the entire world and tell a horrible lie about me for MONEY? FEI: No! No, that's not it! ELLY: Then what WERE you doing, Fei? Please, DO try to convince me you were doing something besides prostituting and warping one of my most lovely memories of you! FEI: ... Elly... I... I'm sorry. ELLY: Fine. Look, do whatever you want. (ELLY stomps off. FEI stares after her, then composes himself and stares into the camera lens again.) FEI: (muttering) Gotta remember... money. (speaking normally) You see, kids, I'm here because I want to talk to you about... premarital sex. MALE VOICE FROM OFF CAMERA: Like the sort we had all those years ago, Fei? (FEI turns bright red. Same voice yells 'Cut!'. The unseen crew mutters.) FEI: Citan, dammit! Tell those guys we did not either have sex! (CITAN appears.) CITAN: All right, all right, he's right, we never did. But I couldn't resist the urge. Anyway, Fei, Elly nearly knocked me over just now... what happened? FEI: I... don't want to talk about it, Citan. And I'm kind of busy here, can I talk to you later? CITAN: ... Fei, surely you're not too busy to patch things up with Elly? If you let this go too much farther, you might lose her... FEI: Citan, dammit, enough! I know what I'm doing! Mind your own fucking business for once! (CITAN stiffens.) FEI: Aw, hell... Citan, I didn't mean. CITAN: No, you did mean. I most humbly beg your pardon. ExCUSE me. (CITAN sweeps away, face set in stone.) FEI: Citan!... shit. (FEI pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation, then looks at the camera again.) FEI: ... because I want to talk to you about... premarital sex. ANOTHER MALE VOICE FROM OFF CAMERA: Woo hoo! Like those two lost weeks we spent in Aveh, right Fei? (Voice calls 'Cut!'. More muttering, this time a bit more pointed. FEI drops his head into his hands.) FEI: (muffled) Bart, goddammit, I never slept with you. (BART wanders in, grinning.) BART: Awwww, Fei-snookums, how can you forget poor ickle me? FEI: DAMMIT, Bart! These guys already think I'm a raving homosexual! Cut the crap! BART: Whoa, what crawled up YOUR butt today? FEI: NOT YOU! NEVER YOU! BART: Whoa! Whoa! I'm sorry, okay? Look, here... (BART wheels around to face the camera and, presumably, the hidden crew.) BART: ATTENTION CAMERA PEOPLES! PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX WITH FEI! FEI: THANK you. BART: ... EXCEPT THAT ONCE WHEN HE WAS VERY DRUNK! FEI: God DAMMIT! Bart, you ASSHOLE! (FEI, temper strained to its limits, leaps up and takes a swing at BART. BART throws up an arm, taking the punch on his forearm. There is a loud snapping sound.) BART: OW! FUCK! FEI: Oh, shit, Bart, I'm sorry! BART: Fei, FUCK your 'sorry'! (BART, cradling his broken arm in his good one, staggers off. After a few moments, a red-faced FEI sinks back down onto the couch.) FEI: (muttering) Damn them ALL to hell. (normally) ...talk to you about... premarital sex. (FEI instintively stops and cowers, waiting for an interruption. None comes. After a moment...) FEI: You see, a few years ago, I... indulged in premarital sex. MALE VOICE FROM OFF CAMERA: What?! And you didn't invite me? Bastard! (Loud muttering from the camera crew. FEI turns absolutely white.) Fei: Oh, what now? (SIGURD wanders in, looking grim.) SIGURD: I guess I should say that I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm not. What did you DO to Bart? FEI: Uh... I broke his arm, I guess. SIGURD: You guess. You GUESS. You BROKE my brother's ARM, Fei. After all he's done for you! FEI: I lost my temper! It was an accident! I tried to apologize, Sigurd... SIGURD: ... FEI: Look, I'll come by and grovel at Bart just as soon as we're done here, okay? SIGURD: That... would be good, yes. (SIGURD looks around, curiously.) SIGURD: Just exactly what are you filming, anyway? FEI: It's... uh... it's a PSA to encourage kids not to have sex before marriage. SIGURD: ... and they chose YOU? You're not precisely the best role model... FEI: Yeah, I know, that's kind of the POINT. SIGURD: And what about those of us who aren't allowed to marry? What should we do, grin and bear it? FEI: I don't know, Sigurd, I'm just doing this for the money... SIGURD: Oh, you're selling out. FEI: Yes! I'm selling out! I'm lying on camera! I'm losing all my goddamn friends! I know! I know! But I'm POOR!... and what do you mean, 'not allowed to marry'? Everyone's allowed to marry! SIGURD: ... right. You keep thinking that, Fei. FEI: No, seriously, what do you mean? (SIGURD stares at FEI for a moment.) SIGURD: You really have no idea, do you. FEI: No, of course not! I wouldn't have asked if I did! SIGURD: ... (SIGURD sighs.) SIGURD: Fei, I sleep with other men. Okay? (FEI blinks.) FEI: That... that's WRONG, Sigurd! SIGURD: So is this PSA, Fei. FEI: No, no, I mean, that's just GROSS! And... and EVIL! (SIGURD grows very still.) SIGURD: How very kind of you, Fei. I always thought you were my friend. But I can see I'm not wanted around here... FEI: You're right, I don't WANT you! SIGURD: THAT, my dear Fei, is ENTIRELY mutual. (SIGURD stomps off. FEI looks like he doesn't know whether to be angry or upset.) FEI: I didn't mean 'want' like THAT, Sig!... shit! Shit! Shit! (FEI, with a determined effort, pulls himself together.) FEI: ... because I want to talk to you about... premarital sex. YET ANOTHER DAMN MALE VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE: What? Huh? Why, Fei? (FEI sits bolt upright. A very, very, very annoyed voice from behind camera yells 'CUT! LUNCH, DAMMIT!'. The unseen crew disperses, loudly muttering imprecations. BILLY appears, looking very, very confused.) BILLY: Fei, why do you want to talk to me about premarital sex? FEI: I don't, Billy! I don't! I was shooting this PSA! BILLY: ... PSA? FEI: Public service announcement? We were making a commercial to help convince kids not to have sex before they get married. BILLY: Oh, well, I support that fully. FEI: ... you do? Really? BILLY: Oh, definitely. People really shouldn't make love before they marry. FEI: Finally, someone with some sense! BILLY: But as long as you're just fucking, it's fine. FEI: Y... NO! What? Wait! BILLY: Oh, what? Like you waited! FEI: That's the whole POINT! People shouldn't DO what we did! BILLY: That's so hypocritical! Adults are all alike, I swear! 'Do what I say, don't do what I do!' FEI: I'm not being a hypocrite! I'm being a SELLOUT! I NEED MONEY! BILLY: ... oh, that's worse. If you need money, sell your body or something. Worked for me... FEI: ... BILLY: But, anyway, I forgot what I came to ask you about... so I'll just go... FEI: ... (BILLY gets up off the couch and leaves. FEI remains crumpled into the corner of the couch, face buried in his hands. After about ten minutes, the crew starts to filter back in. FEI hasn't moved.) DIRECTOR'S VOICE: Fei? Can we try again now? FEI: (muffled) Sure. Start the camera. Keep it rolling no matter what. I'll nail this thing this time. (The camera begins to whir. FEI sits motionless for a moment longer, then sits up, eerily calm. Clasping his hands loosely in his lap, he begins.) FEI: Hi. My name is Fei. A lot of you may remember me from my role in saving the world from Deus. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about today. You see, kids, I'm here because I want to talk to you about... premarital sex. (FEI pauses, leans forward, and stares at the camera.) FEI: You see, a few years ago, I... indulged in premarital sex. And... it was worth it. GOD, it was worth it. It was simply the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me. (The director, startled, finally manages to yell 'CUT!' But FEI, an intense glow in his eyes, keeps staring at the camera lens and speaking, in that eerily calm voice.) FEI: Sex with the right person is a beautiful thing. Sex with the wrong person isn't half-bad either. Don't let something like marriage stop you. And whatever you do, don't EVER lie about sex or how wonderful it is. Because then the person you have sex with will HATE you. Elly, I'm sorry. (FEI sweeps a hand through his carefully styled hair, dislodging the famous 'Fei lock'.) FEI: Just... have sex with whoever you want, so long as they're willing and adult, and don't let any stupid TV commercial with a paid mouthpiece tell you what to do... sorry Sigurd... sorry Billy... (FEI abruptly smiles, an odd, jerky expression. The single long lock of hair swings gently back and forth, reflected in the camera lens.) FEI: And I'm sorry I punched you, Bart, and I'm sorry I insulted you, Citan. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what? Fuck this. There are at least a thousand things more important than not having sex before you marry, and I'm about to lose five of them if I don't hurry. (FEI stands up, pushes the camera lens aside, and leaves the room. Behind him, everything is utterly silent. The unseen crew members haven't said anything just yet, hypnotized by FEI's performance.) UNSEEN DIRECTOR'S VOICE: Shit. Now what? CREW MEMBER NO. 1: What about that Maison guy, boss? DIRECTOR: Fine. FINE! Someone go GET him! (CURTAIN.) |
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===== COMMENTS: Yes, I know Billy would never say anything like that. But it was fun. Fei's closing remarks about sex are... reasonably close to my own, yes, although I would have to add in something about 'safe sex' if this wasn't a parody. But for crying out loud, don't use a damn videogame parody as the basis for your views on sex. Laugh and move on, dammit. Am I incapable of writing a parody without a yaoi reference any more?! Sheesh! But I'm sorry. Sigurd IS gay. |