| Suikoden II: Suikoden II Goes To Hell
Heh, okay, good luck keeping up with everything... there are a LOT of characters in this one, and I slam 'em all. Spoilers? Thousands! Plus it involves events/spoilers from both Suikoden and Suikoden II, so be warned. ===== |
| (SCENE: The meeting hall of the castle. All 108 Stars are present,
plus a few other people here and there.)
(SHU stands in the front of the room, next to HERO.) SHU: So, as you can see, we'll send four of our units running over the cliff HERE to splatter on the rocks below, and that should confuse the enemy enough for us to gain the upper hand. HERO:... uh... thank you, Shu. Brilliant as always. (to FITCHER) Remind me never to turn my back on this guy. When is Apple going to be ready to take over as head strategist? FITCHER: (to HERO) Not soon enough, I think. HERO: Anyway, Shu, get started on that, and I'll be by to see you later. SHU: But I haven't even told you my plans to set fire to a group of civilians and have them run through the fields beforehand. HERO: Uh... later, Shu. Please. (SHU bows and leaves.) VIKTOR: You know, that guy's no Mathieu. FLIK: Heck, he's no Qlon. VIKTOR: Actually, I'm kind of happy about that. FLIK: Me too. VIKTOR: If I had to hear 'Welcome to Hero Castle!' one more time... at least this castle didn't come with an announcement system. FLIK: Yeah, it's definitely a better castle than our last one. VIKTOR: And this particular child leader is better-dressed, too. FLIK: No kidding. McDohl was a great guy, but he wore red and orange and purple and green all together... plus those curly-toed shoes. He should have picked one color and stuck to it, like I do. VIKTOR: Yeah, we know, we know, Blue Thunder. Damn, you know, Flik... strategists... castles... recruiting... this odd fascination with the number 108... cheerfully following a know-nothing kid to our deaths... you get the feeling we've done this all before? (FLIK elbows VIKTOR.) FLIK: Shut up! It's job security! VIKTOR: Yeah, but this time around your perks suck. You don't even get to spend a SECOND with Odessa. You've just got... Nina. Heck, being forced to date Kimberly was bad enough. FLIK: Damn, Viktor, don't remind me. As if losing Odessa wasn't hard enough. HIX: Could be worse. You could have picked up some scheming shrew dressed like an Indian squaw. TENGAAR: Hix! You don't appreciate me! After all I've done for you! How... how COULD you? FLIK: He got a backbone for once in his wimpy little life? VIKTOR: He had a flash of reality? HIX: After all you've done for me? Don't you mean, after all you've done TO me? Uh... oops... bye! (HIX bolts out of the room, followed closely by a viciously cursing TENGAAR flinging spells his way.) HERO: Argh... someone go make sure she doesn't kill him! We need him! (Twenty-nine Stars race from the room and collar TENGAAR, dragging her away screaming and cursing. HERO looks satisfied.) FLIK: Just a laugh a minute around here. Odessa could have run this army SO much better... damn... Odessa... NINA: Don't worry, Flikkie, I'll help you forget Odessa. FLIK: Nina... I don't WANT to forget Odessa. I LOVED Odessa. You're just a stupid blonde kid who doesn't know when to quit. Now shut up before I kill you. HERO: Flik, remember what I said. No killing Nina. NINA: But I WUV you! I won't rest until you name your sword 'Nina Super Extra Plus'! FLIK: Pleeeeeease can't I kill her? HERO: No. If you kill her we'll never get Nanami back. NANAMI: Huh? VIKTOR: Heh, looks like someone didn't read the script.
EVERYONE: ... HERO: Can we talk about this later, Nanami? NANAMI: No! (NANAMI whacks HERO over the head with her tri-part nunchucks.) HERO: Ow! (Seventeen assorted Stars grab NANAMI and hustle her out of the room.) HERO: Huh, maybe there's something to this 'hero' bit after all... NINA: Flik's MY hero. FLIK: C'mon, let me kill her. HERO: No, Flik. You're a good guy, remember? Fangirls all over the country love you. You can't kill Nina in cold blood. FLIK: Why not?! HERO: Our ESRB rating would get worse. VIKTOR: Wow, that's a compelling argument. FLIK: Fine. I'll just sulk. VIKTOR: You can't sulk any more, Flik. This is Suikoden 2, remember? You're more mature now. FLIK: ... NINA: I think Flik is perfect just the way he is. FLIK: ... VIKTOR: Uh... Hero... can -I- kill her? HERO: For the last time, no! No one is to kill Nina! We need all 108 Stars to save Nanami! (Enormous commotion in the hall. NANAMI runs back in, brandishing her 'chucks.) NANAMI: How dare they throw me out? I showed 'em! Whap! Pow! Bam! HERO: ... uh... Nanami... you beat up seventeen of our Stars? NANAMI: Smack! Blam!... huh?... yeah, there'll be some headaches tonight. (NANAMI looks smug.) HERO: Oh, hell. Someone go fetch Dr. Huan? (Thirty-two assorted Stars leap to do HERO's bidding.) HERO: Damn, I could get used to this. NANAMI: No cussing! I promised Grandpa Genkaku I'd look after you and raise you right, and I don't want you cussing! (NANAMI whacks HERO over the head again.) HERO: OW! (Twenty-two assorted Stars start to leap onto Nanami, then remember the fate of the last pack and subside.) HERO: Uh... thanks anyway, guys... way to demonstrate pack mentality. (to himself) I could really learn to love this job. (DR. HUAN arrives, escorted by a large pack of assorted Stars.) DR. HUAN: Ah... this crowd informs me that you wished to see me? HERO: Oh, yes... Nanami beat up a passel of Stars, can you go make sure they're all all right? DR. HUAN: Again? (DR. HUAN goes out into the hallway.) VIKTOR: Damn, this used to be such a classy game. When did it turn into a sitcom? FLIK: ... VIKTOR: Sorry, forgot you were still sulking. (DR. HUAN re-enters the room, looking grim.) DR. HUAN: Ah... Hero... we have a problem. HERO: Oh no. DR. HUAN: I'm afraid so. Nanami's killed Abizboah. HERO: ... and we're out of Listening Runes, aren't we. VIKTOR: 'Fraid so. NANAMI: Don't look at me. I was trying to hit Sheena. I think he put his hand up my shirt. VIKTOR: Like there's anything up there for him to grab. (NANAMI cracks VIKTOR over the head with her nunchucks. FLIK bursts out laughing despite himself.) FLIK: Hit him again! Hit him again! VIKTOR: OW! Damn! NINA: Awww, my Flikkie's cheered up! FLIK: Gah. Don't call me Flikkie. VIKTOR: Right. Call him Blue Thunder like the rest of us do. FLIK: Uh... no one actually calls me that, Viktor. VIKTOR: Sure they do! Hell, I could hear Anita shrieking 'Gimme that Blue Thundah, lover!' all last night, and your room isn't anywhere near mine. FLIK: Ack! Shut up! Ixnay on the Anitanay! NINA: Huh? HERO: Would you all just SHUT UP?! That's all beside the point! Nanami's killed our Squid Star! What are we going to do now? FLIK: Kill Nina! HERO: Gah. Fine. Go ahead. Not like it matters now. NINA: Um, what? FLIK: YES! (FLIK pulls out Odessa++ and chases NINA out of the room.) NANAMI: I don't get it, little brother. Why's a squid that important? HERO: Because if we don't have the squid you're going to die! All right? Are you happy now? You should have read your script! NANAMI: Uh... 'for lack of a squid Nanami was lost'? I just don't get it. HERO: See, if we don't have the magic number of Stars then I won't be able to help you block the arrows and... uh... forget it. It's a cosmic thing. Next time, read your script. Geez, how you got a role this important with such poor professional skills... (CAMUS pokes his head into the room.) CAMUS: Hero, are we going to have a funeral for this squid thing, or should I just drag it down to the kitchens and give it to Hai Yo? HERO: Do whatever you want! Hell, Jowy had the right idea! Enough of this rebellion stuff, I'm going to become a despot! Don't we have Luka's armor around here somewhere? (HERO stomps off, followed by forty-two Stars all rushing off in different directions to find Luka's armor for him.) VIKTOR: Damn, this army's falling apart fast. If it wasn't for the promise of squid sushi I'd head on back to Gregminster. NANAMI: I'm still confused. VIKTOR: Eh, don't worry about it. I'm sure that you'll never know what hit you. (VIKTOR wanders off in the general direction of the restaurant.) NANAMI: What'd I do? I don't get it... (CURTAIN) |
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===== COMMENTS: Whee! What a RIDE! I didn't have nearly enough room to fit in all the parody I thought of. There'll be more! There are an awful lot of Suikoden characters in this one, and I'm sorry if I lost you... the only thing I actually had to look up was whether the squid who was the Star was Abizboah or L'Roladia. I remembered the names just fine, but I couldn't remember which was which... kind of like Rafa and Malak! So hopefully, since I didn't have to stop and think about it, you won't either. And personally, I loved Qlon. |