| Xenosaga: Der Wille Zur Macht - Things That Go 'Sue!' In The Night
Oh, this game deserves the mockin'. It does. I mock thee, Xenosaga! Mock thee with a giant red 'X'! Warning: stupid, randomly violent, stupid, occasional profanity, stupid,
mild to major spoilers, and also, it's really fucking stupid.
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| (SCENE: The bridge of the Elsa. Scattered about are various people:
TONY and HAMMER and CHAOS are all at their respective consoles, KOS-MOS
is standing in the corner looking stoic, SHION is bending over CHAOS' shoulder,
ALLEN is standing next to KOS-MOS and watching SHION, and MATTHEWS is sitting
in his chair, just now finishing off a beer. He belches and bursts into
'song'.)
MATTHEWS: (singing, sort of) D'arr! I be th' Dread Pirate Matthews an' I be here for ye gold and ye wenches~! (The door whooshes open and JR. steps through.) JR.: Matthews, shut up. MATTHEWS: Meep! Yessir. JR.: Also, I like your hat. MATTHEWS: ... thank you, sir? JR.: Give it to me. MATTHEWS: Oh, come on, not the hat... (Even though JR. does not touch a console, move in any way, or say anything, the main screen of the Elsa lights up, revealing GAIGNUN.) GAIGNUN: (onscreen) Give him the hat, Matthews. MATTHEWS: Meep! Sir right away sir! (MATTHEWS rips off the hat and drops it gingerly on JR.'s head. JR. beams and goes over to show KOS-MOS his new hat. KOS-MOS doesn't appear to care. GAIGNUN nods and signs off with a burst of static. A moment later the main screen lights up again.) GAIGNUN: (onscreen) I've subtracted three gold from your outstanding balance in payment, Matthews. (GAIGNUN signs off again, just as abruptly. MATTHEWS' face is twisted in anger.) MATTHEWS: (under his breath) Oh, sure, a couple million more BOOZER hats and maybe I'll have made a dent in my debt... fucking Kukai think they own the world, why I oughta... (CHAOS leans over and slaps his hand over MATTHEWS' mouth just as JR. walks by again. MATTHEWS makes a muffled eeping noise and subsides. JR. heads down to pester, er, help TONY; CHAOS lets go of MATTHEWS; SHION looks impressed. HAMMER, looking a little peeved at all the extra people on deck, wanders over.) SHION: Wow, chaos, you got the timing on that just right! CHAOS: Oh. Timing. It's just... something I do well. HAMMER: (butting in) Yeah, like open jars. He can just peel the lids off no matter how tight Matthews screws 'em on... TONY: Oh, not again... Hammer. HAMMER: ...it's really amazing, he just grabs the lid and twists it right off, doesn't even seem to try... TONY: Hammer. HAMMER: ... which begs the question, of course, if it's been four thousand years, why are we still using jars for food storage anyway? They're breakable, hard to open, easy to break! Shouldn't we have, like, magnetic forcefields or time-stopping devices or something by now? But noooooooo. And of course we pay for them in gold! Gold! Most countries went off the gold standard thousands and thousands of years ago, and we actually carry hunks of the stuff around! MATTHEWS: Hammer! HAMMER: But you'll notice that, four thousand years or not, we still use keyboards to communicate with our ships, and glass can still break, and despite the fact that we've have laser eye surgery for thousands of years now people still have to wear glasses... okay, so maybe they're nifty glasses but they're still glasses, Ben Franklin wore glasses, can we get over it already? SHION: ... MATTHEWS: Hammer! HAMMER: And certain people still have to wear freaking business suits! You'd think that in four thousand years we'd have come up with something a bit less ridiculous, but noooo... I admit that he's got all that nifty embroidery on the lapel, so at least he's allowed to indulge his fey side, but it's still a goddamn suit, no one likes wearing suits, come on! TONY: (calling up from the front, where he is engaged in giving JR. a hellacious noogie) ... his Fei side, huh? (Instant horrified silence. Everyone on the bridge falls away from TONY, who suddenly goes pale. JR. shrieks, wrests himself out of TONY's grip, and throws himself out of reach. There is a scream of air as the ELSA is rent in two by a blinding white light; a huge hand, clad in a white glove with a red triangle printed on the back, reaches out and grabs the screaming TONY and hauls him into the hole torn in space and time, which closes behind them. The ELSA looks as if nothing ever happened, save for the sudden and inexplicable loss of TONY.) ALLEN: ... what was... what was that? CHAOS: (licking his lips) Oh, Tony. Tony, you idiot, didn't you know? ALLEN: What was that? CHAOS: (almost silently) ... ... ... it was the Squaresoft. (ALLEN faints. SHION falls back and crosses herself repeatedly. KOS-MOS' head pops off with a loud SPROING! noise, dangling somewhere around her knees and bobbing up and down on a long spring.) CHAOS: (mysteriously) There are some things of which we must never speak. SHION: ... what... can't you do anything, chaos? We have to help him! CHAOS: No, you fool! This isn't some problem that pointless random encounters and fetch quests can solve! This is... this is... this is beyond the polygons, Shion. He's gone. This is no matter for adventurers any more... it's a matter for... lawyers. (SHION faints. KOS-MOS' arm falls off. The unconscious ALLEN moans and wets himself. CHAOS broods for a moment longer, staring at his hands, then inexplicably perks up and smiles at HAMMER.) CHAOS: So! You were saying? (CURTAIN.) |
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===== COMMENTS: ... quit looking at me like that. Okay, I mostly just wanted to make KOS-MOS' head pop off. And make Allen wet himself. So sue me, I have an infantile sense of humor. But really. Keyboards? |