THIS PARODY CONTAINS THOUSANDS OF REFERENCES TO YAOI.

Got that? It's all ABOUT yaoi. There aren't people obviously having sex or anything, but they're all talking about doing so, even if I did blank out a lot of the details. Please. If you don't like yaoi, or -- even worse -- if you don't know what yaoi is, you really, really, REALLY do not want to read this fic. Trust me. This fic will go over best with people who enjoy yaoi.
Oh, and there are spoilers, too. And occasional curse words. And... it seems to get serious for a while. Wasn't my fault. The characters ran away with me.
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KLAUS: Really, how childish!... do it again!

(BARAN smears all his hair straight down as far as he can, pushes his circlet up into his hair like a headband, and empties his face of all thought. Then, in a perfect rendition of NANAMI's voice:)

BARAN: Awwww, why is that darned old Shu so MEEEEAN to me? He's nice to YOOOOOOU, Baran...

(KLAUS promptly squirts milk out his nose, turning red at the same time.)

KLAUS: Aaaagh! Does she really say that about my Shu-pookies?

(Dead silence. Then the room explodes in laughter. KLAUS turns redder, but grins too, having scored a point somehow. MIKLOTOV essays a brief, mostly unsuccessful smile.)

FUTCH: Aw, cheer up, Miklotov. We'll get things underway in a sec.

MIKLOTOV: Ah. I must admit, I feel a bit out of place. You're all so... young.

FUTCH: Eh, you know how it is, it's the whole 'teacher-student' thing. Don't worry, you're not as out of place as you think.

(Someone knocks on the door, then bumps it open and backs into the room. It's FLIK, carrying four mugs of beer in one hand, a small barrel under that arm, and a basket full of food in the other hand. He crosses the room and puts everything down on the table, starting to unpack food.)

FUTCH: See?

FLIK: Hey, guys. Did I miss anything?

(MIKLOTOV looks like he's been shot with a cannon.)

MIKLOTOV: ... FLIK?!

FLIK: Oh, hey, Miklotov, glad to see you could make it...

RION: Unca Flik!

(The room explodes in laughter again. MIKLOTOV looks confused. FLIK grins and smacks RION over the head with a loaf of French bread.)

FLIK: Cut it out with the 'Unca Flik' thing already! I'm not THAT much older than you, McDohl.

RION: Yeah, yeah, Unca Flik.

FUTCH: (to MIKLOTOV) Yeah, he and Viktor... you know...

MIKLOTOV: ... I never would have known!

FUTCH: Yeah. That's why we invited you... you really don't have a CLUE, do you?

MIKLOTOV: What? How DARE you?

FUTCH: Oh, come off it. You think you and Camus are the only two in the world? Ha!

(MIKLOTOV turns a shade about halfway between red and purple, hunching his shoulders.)

FLIK: Hey, Futch, leave Miklotov alone, okay?

FUTCH: Right, sorry, Unca Flik.

(A well-thrown wedge of cheese smacks FUTCH right between the eyebrows.)

FLIK: Ha! Unca Flik THAT, you brat!

(MIKLOTOV can't resist a small smirk. Unfortunately for him, RION notices.)

RION: Aw, see, you'll fit in fine!... Unca Miklotov!

(MIKLOTOV turns a deeper shade of red, then astonishes himself and everyone else by bursting into laughter.)

MIKLOTOV: You're all insane, the lot of you.

BARAN: We sure are!... here, have some beer. I guess you're old enough, Unca Miklotov.

(MIKLOTOV accepts the mug of beer and promptly upends it over BARAN's head. Much screaming laughter and spluttering ensues.)
(After fifteen minutes or so, things have mostly calmed down. BARAN has changed clothes, although his beer-soaked hair sticks up from his skull at several odd angles, MIKLOTOV looks much more comfortable if ever so slightly tipsy, and FLIK has sprawled across the big chair, rapping on the armrest with his beer mug.)

FLIK: Order! Order! This uke meeting will now come to order!

KLAUS: I'll have a large fries, Flik.

(Everyone grins, and FUTCH throws a cracker at KLAUS, but the hilarity is over.)

FLIK: Right. Anyway, you all know Miklotov, who'll be joining us from now on, if he wants to...

(MIKLOTOV is toasted by several mugs of various liquids.)

FLIK: Anyway... where's our mystery guest? He was supposed to be...

(Someone raps on the shutters covering the window.)

FLIK: There he is! Futch, go let him in, okay?

(FUTCH puts down his grape juice and crosses to the window, unlatching and opening the shutters. After a moment, a red-and-white form flips down from above, hurtling into the room like an acrobat. MIKLOTOV leaps to his feet and grabs for his sword, red-faced and roaring.)

MIKLOTOV: SEED?! How... how DARE you!

FLIK: Miklotov! It's okay! It's okay! He's a member!

MIKLOTOV: ... he's a WHAT? He's the ENEMY! He's from Highland!

KLAUS: Well, we... we share a common bond stronger than nationality, Miklotov... look, just be calm. He's okay. We'll be fine.

(MIKLOTOV, still looking a bit thunderous, sheathes his sword and sits back down, staring at SEED, who is unconcernedly brushing himself off.)

SEED: Look, I hope you guys don't mind, but I brought someone with me...

FUTCH: It better not be a seme!

(Everyone in the room, except MIKLOTOV and FLIK, mock-shudders and grins.)

SEED: No no, you guys know I wouldn't do that. But I think he's kind of new to the whole uke bit and he could use some support...

FLIK: Sure, sure, bring him in.

(SEED leans out the open window and whistles. Shortly thereafer, someone clad in blue and white flips down from the roof above in the same manner as SEED... and a sudden, shocked silence falls on the room.)

BARAN: ... JOWY?

(Pandemonium. BARAN leaps from the couch and races bawling from the room, with RION in hot pursuit. MIKLOTOV has his sword out and is yelling incomprehensibly again, at least until KLAUS grabs his arm and drags him back onto the couch. FUTCH looks like he doesn't know whether to laugh or cry.)

FLIK: Quiet! QUIET! BE QUIET DAMN YOUR UKE HIDES!

(Slowly order is restored. Everyone's eyes turn to SEED, and to JOWY, standing behind SEED looking abashed and uncomfortable.)

SEED: Oh, man. I should have thought of that. Damn, I'm stupid.

FLIK: Yeah, I've got to admit, that was pretty damn dumb, Seed. Should have given us some warning.

KLAUS: But what's done is done, I'm afraid... so be welcome, Jowy.

MIKLOTOV: Welcome? WELCOME?!

FLIK: Miklotov, just shut up, okay? This isn't about some stupid little war! This is... this is about sex, okay?

(FLIK apparently chose the right word, because MIKLOTOV turns bright red again and subsides. JOWY coughs.)

JOWY: Er... thank you. I must admit it caught me by surprise when I found out where Seed was going every Thursday...

FUTCH: Damn, I didn't know Jowy was reversible...

JOWY: ... reversible?

FUTCH: Yeah, you know, you play on both teams? Kind of the way you are in the war?

JOWY: ...

SEED: Damn, Futch, give him a break, okay? He's new at this.

FUTCH: ... yeah, okay, sorry. Here, come have a drink or something while we wait for Rion and Baran to get back.

(Five minutes or so pass, uncomfortably. But slowly things begin to calm down and lighten up. Everyone is drinking and chatting quietly when the door opens and RION and BARAN re-enter the room. BARAN looks wrung out; his face is pale, his eyes are red, and his beer-sodden hair is even messier than it was. RION, on the other hand, looks very calm, and seems to be smirking, just a tiny bit, his arm wrapped around BARAN's waist. FUTCH elbows KLAUS.)

FUTCH: (quietly, to KLAUS) I see Jowy's not the only reversible one in the group...

(KLAUS comes very close to snorting milk out of his nose again. FUTCH smirks. RION and BARAN take their places on the couch again, sitting quite a bit closer to each other than before. Everyone else studiously declines to notice, although FUTCH shoots RION a thumbs-up behind BARAN's head.)

FLIK: Well, now that that's more or less taken care of... welcome, everyone. As you can see, we've got... two new members of the group, Miklotov and... Jowy.

(Faint but audible sniffle from BARAN. RION tightens his grip on BARAN's thigh.)

FLIK: Now, then. It's our habit to introduce new members to the group by sharing secrets with each other, to help us bond and realize that we're not alone...

FUTCH: ... and to amuse the hell out of each other...

(KLAUS elbows FUTCH.)

MIKLOTOV: Er... what sort of secrets?

FLIK: Well, here, the older members will go first, so you can see.

FUTCH: But there aren't any older members than Miklotov!

FLIK: Shaddap. Just for that, you go first.

FUTCH: Awww... well, okay...

MIKLOTOV: That reminds me, actually. Just who IS your... er...

(Everyone looks at MIKLOTOV like he's an idiot. Including JOWY.)

FUTCH: Humphrey. Duh.

MIKLOTOV: That... that old man? And you?!

FUTCH: What? Shut up! It's perfectly natural!

MIKLOTOV: Natural?! NONE of this is anywhere NEAR natural!

(KLAUS reaches over and lays his hand on MIKLOTOV's arm.)

KLAUS: Please, calm down. We're here to support each other, remember? Futch and Humphrey LOVE each other, no matter what their ages are.

(MIKLOTOV subsides and has the grace to look slightly embarrassed.)

FLIK: Well said, Klaus.

FUTCH: Tell me the last time he said anything that WASN'T. Anyway. Okay. You all know Humphrey, more or less, right?

(Chorus of nods.)

FUTCH: And... you all know how quiet he is, right?

(Another chorus of nods.)

FUTCH: Well, I'm here to tell you, he's not so quiet sometimes... every time he...

(FUTCH's story continues. FUTCH's story gets fairly graphic. MIKLOTOV turns white. MIKLOTOV turns red. FUTCH makes a descriptive gesture with his hands. JOWY fidgets nervously.)

FUTCH: ... and then he holds me really tightly and drifts off to sleep, and the next morning he's as quiet as ever.

(Brief, embarrassed silence.)

FLIK: Thank you, Futch. It seems your story has developed a few details since we last heard it.

FUTCH: I aim to please!

(FUTCH gets beaned in the head with another cracker.)

FLIK: Thank you, Rion. Maybe you'd like to go next?

RION: Heh. Sure. To save you having to ask, Miklotov, I've been involved for a very long time with my family's longtime servant Gremio... anyway, he's always incredibly subservient in public, but...

(RION's story continues. To his credit, RION isn't quite as graphic or as crude as FUTCH. BARAN winces occasionally, though. No one is heartless enough to mention it.)
(After RION, FLIK tells his story, then SEED, then KLAUS.)

KLAUS: ...and that's why I call him Shu-pookies... anyway. Flik, I'd like to motion that Baran be exempted from telling his story tonight.

(KLAUS casts a meaningful glance at JOWY.)

FLIK: Hm. Baran, what do you think?

(BARAN glances at RION briefly.)

BARAN: Um... no, I'll tell one, but it... won't be the same one, okay?

FLIK: Sure, Baran, that's fine.

(RION looks a bit apprehensive. JOWY looks a bit grim.)

BARAN: Anyway, um, a few months ago I started something with Sheena... nothing permanent or anything, just... um... just for fun, really...

(BARAN stumbles on. RION looks grateful that he's not the focus of the story. JOWY looks grimmer and grimmer by the second.)

BARAN: So, anyway, he laughed and told me not to worry about it, that it had really been exciting... but I've tried not to do that since, because it really WAS dangerous... anyway, that's my story.

FLIK: So, that's everyone but the newcomers, right? Anyway, Jowy, why don't you go first?

JOWY: ... do I have to?

FLIK: Well, if you're really uncomfortable, you don't, no, but we WOULD prefer it...

JOWY: Oh, well.

(JOWY resolutely closes his eyes and begins. BARAN turns pale, but RION puts his arm around BARAN's shoulders and pulls him close.)

JOWY: This isn't my first... um... relationship, but I... I've never been uke before... anyway, Luka's completely insane, but that's... what makes it fun, you know?

(Everybody's face is pale now, except SEED's. KLAUS begins to sputter.)

KLAUS: LUKA? Prince Fucking Luka the Mad? Are you INSANE?

JOWY: Shut up! I'd like to see you try and tell him no when he bursts into your bedroom late one night!

(KLAUS immediately reddens and shuts his mouth with a snap. JOWY notices.)

JOWY: I see. You couldn't stop him either, could you?

(KLAUS says nothing and looks away. After a moment, JOWY continues.)

JOWY: The way I saw it, I didn't have much choice, so I might as well try to enjoy it, right? So, anyway, after a while...

(JOWY's story continues. BARAN continues to get paler and paler, until finally he buries his face in RION's shoulder. JOWY opens his eyes after a while, but he stares down at his hands buried in his lap, deliberately not looking anywhere near BARAN.)

JOWY: ... so I guess I'm a little more reversible than you guys thought. Anyway, that's my story.

(Silence. JOWY continues to stare at his lap, knotting his fingers together nervously. Most of the people in the room fidget, except for BARAN and RION, who are very, very still. MIKLOTOV looks like he's been smacked over the head very hard by something very blunt. Finally, FLIK coughs.)

FLIK: Thank you, Jowy. Er... might I suggest a fifteen-minute break before we hear Miklotov?

(Everyone looks relieved. KLAUS and FUTCH head out of the room, followed shortly by MIKLOTOV. SEED and JOWY move out onto the balcony, closing the shutters behind them. FLIK takes one look at BARAN and RION, still sitting motionless on the couch, then slips out of the room and quietly closes the door, leaving them in peace.)
(Shortly thereafter, MIKLOTOV returns to the room, to find FLIK standing guard outside the door. As MIKLOTOV approaches, FLIK reaches out and grabs him by the sleeve.)

FLIK: Miklotov... I'm sorry, it's never been quite this grim before.

MIKLOTOV: I can handle grim, Flik. It's all right. Maybe they need to take their actions more seriously anyway.

FLIK: ... yeah. Although I'd appreciate it if you didn't say that where anyone else could hear you.

MIKLOTOV: ...

FLIK: Anyway, I have to ask you for a favor. A big one.

MIKLOTOV: ... ask.

FLIK: I don't know what story you were planning to tell, tonight. But please, for all our sakes, try to pick something funny... I don't think we can handle any more angst tonight.

MIKLOTOV: ... odd, I've always thought of this sort of thing as a very fertile breeding ground for angst. I know I'm certainly experiencing plenty.

FLIK: Yeah. I've been there, Miklotov. Trust me.

MIKLOTOV: Mmm. But you have a point. I'll think about it.

FLIK: ... thank you. I can't ask anything more.

(FLIK and MIKLOTOV lock gazes for a moment, evaluating each other. Then the stare is abruptly broken by squalling from the nearby hallway.)

KLAUS: Ow! Damn you, Futch, let me go! That hurts!

(FLIK and MIKLOTOV glance at each other, startled, then they both bolt in the direction of KLAUS' yell. Wheeling around the corner, they find FUTCH and KLAUS locked together... FUTCH giving KLAUS a furious noogie-ing. KLAUS is waving his arms around and yelling.)

KLAUS: Owwww! QUIT IT!

(MIKLOTOV and FLIK haul FUTCH off KLAUS. FUTCH is grinning, but his grin is tinged ever so slightly with mania.)

FUTCH: I warned you! I did! I told you that you had better stop being all grim and depressing!

(KLAUS catches his breath. Then KLAUS catches a glimpse of his hair in a conveniently-placed mirror on the wall. After a moment, he bursts out into whoops of semi-hysterical laughter.)

KLAUS: Aaaaagh! I look like a tornado hit my head!

FUTCH: Yeah, did Unca Miklotov dump beer on YOU, too?

(After a stunned moment, all four of the people in the hallway burst out laughing. MIKLOTOV lets go of FUTCH. KLAUS makes an abortive attempt to smooth down his hair. Still laughing a bit, they approach the room.)

FUTCH: (yelling) Hey Baran! We found your long-lost TWIN BROTHER!

(More semi-hysterical laughter as the four of them shove open the door and re-enter the room. RION and BARAN are sitting at opposite ends of the couch now, and BARAN looks calmer, if even more rumpled than before. RION looks over at KLAUS and stuffs his fist into his mouth, attempting not to laugh. This attempt quickly fails.)
(Summoned by the noise, JOWY and SEED open the balcony shutters and come back in, SEED stomping out a cigarette butt.)

FUTCH: Ew, Seed, you smoke? Doesn't Culgan hate the taste of it?

(Even though this isn't precisely the funniest statement ever, the room bursts into laughter again. After a few moments, things begin to calm back down, although FUTCH appears to be continuously choking on giggles.)

SEED: Maybe, but he'll never say so, as long as he likes the taste of ME.

(This sets the room off again. Even BARAN is laughing now, his cheeks reddened. Eventually, FLIK gets the room back into some kind of order by banging on the table.)

FLIK: All right! All right! Calm down so we can hear from Miklotov!

(Some ragged semblance of order is restored. Everyone flops back onto the couches and grabs their mugs, still smirking occasionally.)

KLAUS: (very quietly, to BARAN) Er... Lord Baran... your fly is... open...

(By some fluke, the room falls quiet just as KLAUS says this, but it sure doesn't stay quiet for long. BARAN turns brilliant red and buttons his fly, RION also turns red but seems to be grinning, and FUTCH is actively rolling on the ground howling and clutching his sides. Even JOWY is laughing a little.)
(After a few more minutes of general hysteria:)

FLIK: All right! ALL RIGHT! Shut up, all of you! SHUT UP!

(This works just about as well as you would think it would. But, eventually, everyone does shut up. FUTCH gets back on the couch, wiping his eyes.)

FLIK: THANK you. Anyway. Miklotov?

MIKLOTOV: Well, seeing as how this is my first meeting, I thought I'd just tell you a little something, and save my real stories for later...

KLAUS: That's fine with me.

FLIK: Me too.

MIKLOTOV: Anyway, I thought... er... maybe I ought to start with... with Camus' pet name for me.

FUTCH: Oooh, that's always a good story. What does he call you, Old Ironsides?

(KLAUS elbows FUTCH. Everyone grins, but the hysteria has more or less abated.)

MIKLOTOV: Er...

FLIK: Hmmmm?

(MIKLOTOV mumbles something.)

FUTCH: Speak up, I didn't hear that!

MIKLOTOV: I said, he calls me... (very small voice) Pickle.

(Did I say the hysteria had abated? I lied. Pandemonium. FUTCH is -screaming-. Even KLAUS abandons his reserve to laugh until he turns purple. SEED reaches over and pounds MIKLOTOV on the back in a friendly manner. BARAN falls off the couch and rolls under the table. RION pounds on the arm of the couch. After a moment, even MIKLOTOV begins to laugh, and then roar, as the mood of the room catches him.)

FUTCH: (gasping) PICKLE?!

KLAUS: PFAAAAAAAA HAA HAAAA!

FLIK: Meeting (HA HA HA!) meeting adjourned! (HAAAAAH!)

(After a few moments, SEED and JOWY (still laughing weakly) stumble out to the balcony and leave. BARAN and RION wander out the other door, RION's arm around BARAN's waist. FUTCH seems to be disinclined to get off the couch. KLAUS picks up all the food debris and carries it out, and after a moment, FUTCH gets up and follows him. Only FLIK and MIKLOTOV are left.)

FLIK: Thanks, Miklotov. I owe you one.

MIKLOTOV: Don't worry, I'll... think of something you can do for me.

(FLIK and MIKLOTOV stare at each other for a moment, no longer laughing. After a moment...)

FLIK: ... Pickle?...

(Both men bust out laughing again as the curtain falls.)

(CURTAIN.)

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