| FF8: Weight Problem
I enjoyed writing this. Heck, I enjoyed watching Zell get the shit kicked
out of him by three different women. Poor Zell. Don't get me wrong, I -like-
Zell. I guess you always hurt the ones you love!
|
| (SCENE: Our six intrepid SeeDs are standing in Ultimecia's Castle,
before a pair of linked elevators.)
SQUALL: So basically we need to get people up there. (SQUALL points to the left-hand side of the balcony.) IRVINE: Yeah. So we need to get the three heaviest people on the RIGHT elevator there, and it'll raise the lighter people up on the LEFT elevator just fine. ZELL: Noo problem. (ZELL looks around.) Hey, Rinoa, how much do you weigh? RINOA: Zell!! (slap!) ZELL: Oww! Hey! What was that for? RINOA: That was really rude, asking me how much I weigh! You know I'm sensitive. ZELL: Well... yeah, but we gotta get the three heaviest people... RINOA: Are you saying I look heavier than IRVINE?! (slap!) ZELL: Yowtch! Quit it! That's not what I meant! IRVINE: (to SQUALL) Should I resent that? SQUALL: (to IRVINE) Nah. She's just like that. ZELL: Well, I mean, you've got to be heavier than Selphie... (slap!) ZELL: Oww! RINOA: You are SO rude. (RINOA stomps off in a huff.) ZELL: (mostly to himself) But Rinoa's definitely lighter than Quistis... (whip-crack!) ZELL: OW! DAMN! QUISTIS: I heard that. ZELL: Geez, you women are so sensitive. QUISTIS: Well, look. It's obvious that Selphie's the lightest, right? SELPHIE: Booyaka! QUISTIS: So we'll send Selphie, and Rinoa, and Zell. ZELL: Me?! Why me? I've gotta be heavier than you... right? (ZELL ducks.) QUISTIS: Aren't you sweet. But no. After all... I'm taller than you are. ZELL: You are not! QUISTIS: Am so. The strategy guide says so. ZELL: Aw, man... IRVINE: Hey, Zell, I think you're supposed to slap her or something. (whip-crack!) IRVINE: Ow! Hell! What was that for, Quistie? QUISTIS: Don't even go there, Irvine. ZELL: But, anyway, why don't the three girls stand on the left-hand elevator there... (whip-crack!) ZELL: OW! OW OW OW! QUISTIS: I'm not a girl. I'm a woman. ZELL: DAMMIT, Quistie! You're eighteen! QUISTIS: Even so. It's obvious I'm the most mature person here. ZELL: Uhhh... right. So, anyway, the three WOMEN stand on the left-hand elevator, and us guys will raise you up so you can explore that room over there. SQUALL: Uh uh. No. ZELL: What now? SQUALL: I'm not going to let the three women go off by themselves without one of us along to protect them. (smack!) SQUALL: Ouch! Selphie, what did you do that for? SELPHIE: I can take care of myself just fine! QUISTIS: Yeah, Squall. Whatever it is, we can handle it. I was a SeeD before you were, remember? SQUALL: ... QUISTIS: Oh, great, Squall's back in sulk mode. SQUALL: I'm... not... sulking. QUISTIS: Whatever. SELPHIE: Rinoa! Come on back! We're going to go explorrrrrring! (RINOA re-enters the room.) RINOA: Great! I'm glad to see the guys got some sense for once! (to SQUALL) And don't think I didn't see you failing to stand up for me when Zell was insulting me, either. We'll talk later. (All three women step into the left-hand elevator.) ZELL: Ow... my head... SQUALL: Tell me again why I put up with Rinoa? IRVINE: Great knockers. SQUALL: ... uh... okay, thanks, Irvine. ZELL: Cripes, I'm glad my girlfriend's just a meek librarian's assistant without any whips or anything. (smack!) ZELL: YOWTCH! Selphie, what the hell was THAT for? SELPHIE: (from the elevator) She's not your girlfriend yet! I had to hit you to bring you back to reality! ZELL: With your NUNCHUCKS? SELPHIE: (from the elevator) I can't slap you from in here! IRVINE: Damn, now I know why they all have those ranged weapons. SQUALL: Yeah, but you and I have guns. ZELL: (staring at his fists) Damn. I really screwed up there, didn't I. SQUALL: I don't know, Zell... your weapons are... are... IRVINE: More portable. SQUALL: Yeah, that's it. More portable. ZELL: I think you're just trying to make me feel better because I didn't even have the sense to bring a knife to a gun fight. SQUALL: ... Well, yeah. IRVINE: Squall here brought both. ZELL: Damn. No wonder he's the main character. He thinks of everything. RINOA: (from the elevator) Come ON, guys! We're waiiiiting! (The three men head out the door on their roundabout way to the right-hand balcony.) IRVINE: Why don't we just leave 'em there for a while and go get some burgers? ZELL: Can't, man. Time compression. They'll be overcooked and raw at the same time so they'll taste bad and you'll still get E.coli. IRVINE: ... That doesn't make any sense at all. ZELL: Tell me about it. SQUALL: ... ZELL: Hey, either of you got any aspirin? (CURTAIN.) |
|
===== COMMENTS: This one's not my fault. But, really, can't you see Zell asking Rinoa how much she weighs and getting smacked for it? The poor guy may know more about women than Squall does... heck, your average sea anemone knows more about women than Squall... but he doesn't know THAT much more. Go, Quistis, you dominatrix in pink! Woo hoo! |