| Final Fantasy 7: Scooby Dooby Sith, Where Are You?
Jinkies. I AM a pop-culture victim. I don't rightly know if anything in this fic could be accurately called a spoiler, but yeah, there are FF7 spoilers here and there. ===== |
| (SCENE: A small, winding country road. A pair of headlights soon appear,
and the Highwind, oddly painted in swirls of green and yellow, flashes
by, hovering two inches off the road's surface, for some reason.)
(CUT TO: CLOUD, TIFA, a thickly bespectacled YUFFIE, an unshaven CID, and CAIT SITH, all sitting together staring out the front windshield.) CLOUD: Daphne, are you sure this is the right road? We haven't seen a town for hours! TIFA: Gosh, Fred, are we lost? CLOUD: ... TIFA: (Psst. Cloud. You're Fred, remember?) CLOUD: (Oh!) I think we might be lost, gang! YUFFIE: Junkies! CLOUD: (That's 'Jinkies', Yuffie.) YUFFIE: (Well, pardon the hell out of me. I can't see a damn thing with these glasses on.) Jinkies! CID: Are we goin'ta stop soon? I'm starvin'! CAIT SITH: Reah! Ree roo! (LAUGH TRACK.) CLOUD: Hang on, gang! I think I see lights up ahead! TIFA: Hooray! CID: Zoinks! I could eat a horse. Plus I need a cigarette or I'm gonna bust heads. CAIT SITH: Awww... roor Raggy. (LAUGH TRACK.) CID: Would you stop calling me 'Raggy' already? (The Mystery Highwind pulls up in front of a huge, spooky mansion. The headlights illuminate a small, weed-covered sign.) CLOUD: I can't read the sign... TIFA: Let's go see what it says! (TIFA hops out of the Mystery Highwind and pulls the weeds off the sign. Revealed, it says 'NIBELHEIM MANSION - WARNING! GHOSTS!') CID: Zoinks! G-g-ghosts! CAIT SITH: I'm rared, Raggy! CID: Ah... hah hah hah... let's just keep going, okay? There's got to be a town close by, with a malt shop! YUFFIE: Jinkies, a real haunted house! Let's go in! CID: Uh uh. No way. Not me. YUFFIE: Would you do it for a Ciddy Snack? (YUFFIE holds up a cigarette.) CID: Weeeell... YUFFIE: How about TWO Ciddy Snacks? CID: Oh, all right. CAIT SITH: Ree roo! Ree roo! (LAUGH TRACK.) (SCENE: The spooky, dark, cobwebbed interior of the Nibelheim Mansion. The door slowly creaks open, revealing our intrepid team. CID has two cigarettes in his mouth, both burning furiously; CAIT SITH and his stuffed moogle are each smoking a cigarette as well.) CID: Z-z-zoinks... creepy... CAIT SITH: Reah... reepy. CLOUD: Come on, fellows! Let's explore! Daphne and I will go this way... (CLOUD points up the stairs.) CLOUD: And Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby can explore down there! (CLOUD points down into the basement.) CID: Hey, no fair! How come you and Tifa always get to go off together? TIFA: (Daphne! I'm Daphne! Can't you tell by the miniskirt?) CID: (Yeah, right.) Okay, okay... CLOUD: Be sure and holler if you see any ghosts! CID: You bet I will! (CLOUD and TIFA head off up the stairs. They open the first door they see, which turns out to be a bedroom.) CLOUD: Nothing in here... TIFA: Wait, Fred! Look at this! CLOUD: Wow! A Black Materia! You think this is a clue? TIFA: Maybe! CLOUD: Wow, five minutes and we already found a clue! Wanna stop sleuthing and smooch a bit? TIFA: Sure! (TIFA tucks the Black Materia into her cleavage as the door swings shut.) (SCENE: A long, low hallway with a dirt floor. YUFFIE, CID, and CAIT SITH are quietly creeping along.) CID: ZOINKS! What was that?! YUFFIE: Oh, silly Shaggy, it's just a bat! CAIT SITH: Ruh roh! CID: Don't look now, Velma, but it looks hungry! (One random encounter later.) CID: Oh, why did I ever agree to come in here? Oh, right, Ciddy Snack. (CID opens a random door along the hall, revealing... VINCENT!) VINCENT: Leave! Leave while you still can! CID: A vampire! Runnnnn! CAIT SITH: Yiiiiiiiii! YUFFIE: Let's get OUT of here! (Stock footage of YUFFIE, CID, and CAIT SITH all running away. VINCENT closes the door.) CID: Gangwaaaaaay! (A disheveled TIFA bursts out of the room above, followed by CLOUD readjusting his neck scarf.) TIFA: What is it? CID: A v-v-vampire! CAIT SITH: Reah! Rampire! CLOUD: Wow! Show us where! (Reunited, the gang all troops back downstairs. CID gingerly opens the door he opened before, revealing a small room.) YUFFIE: Jinkies! It's a coffin! CLOUD: Wow! That must be a clue! CID: I found a clue? TIFA: Hey, guys! Come see what I found! (The gang all clusters around TIFA, who shows them the huge scientific lab and library.) CID: Zoinks! Look at all this stuff! Where's the fridge? (LAUGH TRACK.) CAIT SITH: Raggy! Rook! (CAIT SITH points to a set of footprints, leading away from one of the big glass tubes on the front wall.) CLOUD: A clue! TIFA: And if we put that together with the black materia that we found and the coffin... CID: Yeah! CAIT SITH: I ree, Raphne! YUFFIE: Of course! ALL: Sephiroth must be planning to destroy the world! YUFFIE: So now we need to catch that 'vampire'! CID: Ohhh no. Count me out. CAIT SITH: Ruh ruh. Ree roo. YUFFIE: I'll give you a Ciddy Snack! CID: No! Not for less than THREE Ciddy Snacks each! YUFFIE: Three it is! (A few minutes later.) (The group stands together while CLOUD patiently explains the trap to them. CID has three cigarettes in his mouth, and CAIT SITH's Moogle is chewing on the last of his.) CLOUD: So Shaggy and Scooby will get the vampire to chase them down this hallway, and these glass tubes will fall and make the vampire run into HERE, where we'll push these crates of books down on him! TIFA: Ready! CID: Oh, why do I always have to be the one to get chased? YUFFIE: Because you're the one with the massive nicotine addiction. CID: ... oh yeah. (CID and CAIT SITH creep down the dimly-lit hallway, looking scared.) CID: C-C-Cait? You still with me? CAIT SITH: Reah, Raggy. (CID opens the same door he opened before. VINCENT is standing there!) VINCENT: Leave now! CID: Yow! Run, Cait... um... Scooby! (CID and CAIT SITH both run towards the trap. After a moment, they look back to discover that VINCENT is not chasing them, but standing where he was gazing at them sadly.) CID: Well? Aren't you going to chase us? VINCENT: Why should I? You're leaving. CID: (Dammit, it's in your contract! You have to chase us!) VINCENT: (Oh. Right.) (VINCENT stalks after CID and CAIT SITH, who run off again, howling. Loud seventies-style music plays while the chase goes on. After a few painful minutes, they reach the lab. YUFFIE pushes the glass tubes down in front of VINCENT, who swerves into the library.) YUFFIE: He's coming! (CLOUD and TIFA push the crates of books down, burying CID, CAIT SITH, and VINCENT.) CID: Zoinks! You got me too! CLOUD: Sorry, Shaggy! (A few minutes of cleaning later, and VINCENT's head and shoulders are revealed in the mass of books.) CLOUD: Let's see who this 'vampire' REALLY is! (CLOUD reaches down and tugs on VINCENT's hair.) VINCENT: Ow. CLOUD: That's... not a mask! YUFFIE: Jinkies! A REAL vampire! CID: Z-z-zoinks! CAIT SITH: Rikes Raggy! (CAIT SITH jumps into CID's arms and they both stand there trembling.) (LAUGH TRACK.) TIFA: But if that's a real vampire... then where's Sephiroth? VINCENT: Oh, him. He's down setting the village of Nibelheim on fire. Now could you please stop barging into my home so I could get some sleep? YUFFIE: Sorry, mister vampire... VINCENT: I'm used to it. (The kids burst out of Nibelheim Mansion. The flicker of flames can be seen dimly in the distance.) CLOUD: Let's get moving, gang! We have to stop him! (The gang hops into the Mystery Highwind and zips down to the town of Nibelheim. SEPHIROTH stands there, toasting a hot dog over an immense campfire. None of the buildings seem to be damaged.) SEPHIROTH: Hi kids! Want a hot dog? CLOUD: There he is! Get him! (TIFA clonks SEPHIROTH with the Nibelheim Water Tower, effectively pinning his arms. SEPHIROTH looks sulky.) CLOUD: Now, let's see who he REALLY is! (CLOUD pulls on SEPHIROTH's hair, and his mask falls away.) ALL: DON CORNEO! DON: Curses! I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids! (RENO, dressed as an anonymous policeman, appears from nowhere.) RENO: Thanks, kids. We'll deal with THIS tough guy. But... how did you know he was planning to destroy the world? CLOUD: It was easy! He dropped this Black Materia, which can be used to destroy the world... TIFA: ... and he was going to hide inside the glass tanks at Nibelheim Mansion while it happened, to save himself! YUFFIE: And he even had a coffin ready, in case he didn't survive! RENO: Great detective work, gang! (RENO leads the sullen DON CORNEO off.) CID: Wow, that was exciting! Hey, is that a malt shop over there? Last one to the pizza is a rotten dude! CAIT SITH: Ro rair, Raggy! (CID and CAIT SITH both race off towards the malt shop. Just then, a freak gust of wind grabs the SEPHIROTH mask and blows it up in front of them.) CAIT SITH: Rikes! CID: It's S-S-Sephiroth! Zoinks! (CAIT SITH jumps into CID's arms while the rest of the gang laughs and laughs.) (LAUGH TRACK.) (CURTAIN.) |
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===== COMMENTS: Geez, what a trip. It wasn't really a yock-a-minute, but it seemed eerily appropriate... zoinks! I thought about writing it as one of those hour-long Scooby Movies, where they do the crossovers... hey, if they can do the Scooby Gang Meets Mama Cass, why can't they do the Scooby Gang Meets SOLDIER? But this was more fun to write. Doesn't Cid make a GREAT Shaggy? |