| Wild ARMs: Later
I don't really know what to say about this one. It's reasonably funny (I hope), but I was probably seriously high on caffeine or something, and crashed while writing... oh, well, even bad parody can still be funny assuming it's loony enough. Lots and lots of spoilers in here. Lots and LOTS. You were warned. ===== |
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(SCENE: A simple sleeping chamber in Curan Abbey.) (Several Wild ARMs characters are lounging around the room. JACK is sharpening his sword, RUDY is cleaning out one of his smaller ARMs, and CECILIA is sorting through a stack of Crest Graphs. HANPAN sits on the windowsill, gazing out at the courtyard, and CALAMITY JANE wanders around the room aimlessly.) CALAMITY JANE: You know, I really need to speak to my agent... I haven't managed to get cast in a damn thing since I took on this gung-ho treasure-hunting two-gun bimbo role. I think I'm typecast. CECILIA: But it's a role you play so well, Jane. CALAMITY JANE: ... I don't know whether I ought to thank you or shoot you. JACK: Don't shoot her. You'll get blood all over my bed. CALAMITY JANE: Aw. Anyway... damn, I hope they don't think I'm too old to play ingenue roles. This really is a pretty old game. RUDY: Yeah, but it's still a good one. CALAMITY JANE: Well, I won't argue with you there, but it looks so... PRIMITIVE now. RUDY: At least we were rendered in 3-D for our fight scenes. CALAMITY JANE: Oh, yeah, right. You looked like those little plastic Fisher-Price people. JACK: Hey! Okay, so we did, but we were pioneers of rendered combat! CECILIA: Plus, Jack has a much cooler-looking ponytail than that Ramza guy. JACK: ... I do? Hey, thanks, Celia. RUDY: He does? I always thought his sprite looked like a young George Washington. You know, with the tiny ponytail and all... JACK: Uh... should I be offended? CECILIA: ... You know, Rudy, I think you're right. He DOES look like a Founding Father, except in the concept art. JACK: ... CALAMITY JANE: Uh, okay, anyway. HANPAN: I'm still not sure why Cecilia cut off her hair when she wanted to come along. Jack's hair's always been longer than hers anyway. JACK: Oh, don't you start. CECILIA: It was a symbolic thing. HANPAN: Oh, SYMBOLISM. How terribly simplistic of me not to notice. CECILIA: Shut up, you... you cerulean rat. You and your pretensions to intellectualism. HANPAN: Whoa! Ten-cent words! We can tell who went to school here! JACK: (to RUDY) Uh, Rudy, what's a pretension? RUDY: (to JACK) I dunno. Something to do with rope, maybe. HANPAN: I think you're just jealous because everyone in the game gets a significant other except you. CECILIA: I am not! CALAMITY JANE: Wait, I thought she was Rudy's SO. HANPAN: No, idiot, you are. CALAMITY JANE: I am?! RUDY: She is?! HANPAN: That's the general idea we gave the player, anyway. CALAMITY JANE: What general idea? HANPAN: That you're Rudy's SO. CALAMITY JANE: I am?! (CECILIA whacks CALAMITY JANE on the back of the head.) CECILIA: You can cut out that Tiny Toons stuff right now. CALAMITY JANE: Or what? You'll crack me on the head with a Crest Graph? CECILIA: (to CALAMITY JANE) Just... shut up. (to HANPAN) Besides, it's not like these other relationships are such great things anyway. Rudy and Jane just sort of gape at each other and Jack's in love with some chick who doesn't know who he is. JACK: You don't have to REMIND me, you know. RUDY: Wow... I didn't know that. I thought I was doomed to fall in love with a washing machine or something. CALAMITY JANE: Well, I HAVE always wondered about you and those guns. You treat them way too well. RUDY: ... That's really gross, Jane. CALAMITY JANE: Hey, I just found out that I'm supposed to be in love with a damned toaster oven. I'm a bit SHAKEN. RUDY: I'm not a toaster oven! (RUDY beeps.) RUDY: I'm a microwave. HANPAN: Yay, popcorn's ready! JACK: Well, it's official. We're really a fucked-up bunch of people. Uh, people and microwaves. CECILIA: Yeah, but at least we're likeable. Which is more than I can say for those brats in FF8. RUDY: Yeah. It's absurd how tall they are. CALAMITY JANE: Hey, it's not their fault we're all an inch tall. It was just state of the art back then. JACK: Yeah. And I play guitar MUCH better than that Zell person. EVERYONE ELSE: NO! JACK! NOT THE GUITAR! (One random encounter later.) RUDY: Oh, hell, that was my last bullet for this one... CECILIA: Rudy, we're in Curan Abbey. It was just some of those stupid floating blue books. You really didn't need to use the rocket launcher. RUDY: So I overreacted. JACK: Yeah, you did... that's not like you, either. You feeling okay? RUDY: I'm fine. I think I just went through puberty, though. CECILIA: ... That was fast. RUDY: Yeah, well, I'm a microwave. I do everything faster. CALAMITY JANE: And soggier. RUDY: Shut up. JACK: Sheesh, you kids are sick. I don't know why I hang around with a bunch of teenagers anyway. CECILIA: Well, at first it was plot. CALAMITY JANE: Plus I think you're a closet pedophile. JACK: ... I am not. RUDY: I don't think I'm a kid any more. Look, I have a beard. CECILIA: ... And it's blue. Of course it's blue. CALAMITY JANE: At least it tore off that damn bandage. RUDY: ... oh shit... (RUDY explodes.) (CURTAIN.) |
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===== COMMENTS: Well! That was... abrupt! I figured that they'd all been traveling together after the end of the game for a year or so, and had time for all the politeness to wear off. It's kind of like watching Jack drive the family station wagon while Rudy and Cecilia fight in the back seat... Does anyone else have the compulsion to call the flying machine in Wild ARMs the Emma-thopter? |