Ah, the Wyvern Westward, or 'that damn place where Mooncalf situates all her crossover crap'.  Anyone who can find the place is welcome here... which guarantees that things are never, ever boring. I think I'll start using the tagline 'The Wyvern Westward: a bar out of space and time, but never out of beer'.
Let's see. Despite the immense numbers of games that I abused in here, I don't think there are any real spoilers, unless you consider knowing that a certain character is a womanizer is a spoiler. I suppose there are minor spoilers from FF8 and Xenogears and Suikoden, but it looks like I phrased them in such a way that they don't spoil anything. Heh.
However, there's plenty of foul language, random sexual references, and the like. Nooooo, sexual references in a fic called 'Womanizers Anonymous'? Say it ain't so!
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BART: Hey, Edge. Early, huh. Glutton for punishment?

EDGE: Dude.

(BART takes a seat in the circle of chairs, just as the door opens again. EDGAR FIGARO and SHEENA come in together, arguing animatedly over something.)

EDGAR: No way, she was looking at me!

SHEENA: You wish... but she sure was beautiful, wasn't she? A rare beauty...

(EDGAR and SHEENA both become aware that BART and EDGE are staring at them in something akin to shock.)

EDGAR: ... shit.

EDGE: (with feeling) DUDE.

SHEENA: We were doing it again...

BART: Well, that's why we're here, right?

(SHEENA blushes, the color especially vibrant against his blond hair. EDGAR grins, looking a little embarrassed himself, and scratches the back of his head. They take seats in the circle. SHEENA is muttering something to himself, over and over, like a mantra; EDGAR starts fussing with the bows in his hair.)

BART: Sheena, chill, okay? At least you caught yourself.

SHEENA: You mean YOU caught me.

BART: That's what I'm here for! C'mon, we'll get through this, okay? Remember, just take it one girl at a time...

EDGAR: ... heh, that's ALWAYS been my motto... 'one girl at a time, except when you can have two...'

EDGE: (affronted) Dude!

EDGAR: ... shit. Did it again. Sorry.

BART: Heh, you're incorrigible... don't worry about it. It'll all sink in eventually. I hope.

(The door slams open, and IRVINE saunters in, thumbs stuck casually in his beltloops.)

IRVINE: Hey, guys.

(General hello. IRVINE reaches up with one hand and pushes his cowboy hat back.)

IRVINE: Did you guys SEE that fox at the bar? I swear...

BART: ... not you too, Irvine.

IRVINE: Heh, I'd love to get... huh? Shit!

EDGAR: (mock-serious) Shame on you, Irvine! Honestly... even Sheena isn't as bad as you are!

(IRVINE groans. SHEENA turns brighter red.)

SHEENA: ... do you guys really think I'm that bad?

BART: No! Not at all, and you're getting a lot better! Sheena, you know we're here if you need us, right?

EDGAR: ... although not in the yaoi sense. Don't need us that way.

IRVINE: Heh, speak for yourself, Ed.

(General shocked silence. IRVINE turns a little red. SHEENA is now crimson.)

IRVINE: Damn, quit that, I'm kidding. Just a joke, okay? Sheesh...

(Still general silence for a bit. Everyone looks pretty uncomfortable. IRVINE eventually rolls his eyes and crosses to the circle, being sure to sit as far away from SHEENA as possible. However, since this puts him directly across the circle from SHEENA, he's now looking directly at SHEENA... both SHEENA and IRVINE become very interested in their hands all of a sudden. The door opens, and SHADOW pokes his head in.)

SHADOW: ... uh. Wait, this doesn't look like my support group...

(EDGE waves.)

EDGE: (happily) Dude!

SHADOW: Hey, Edge... is this Wednesday? This doesn't look like the usual 'Ninjitsu Stoppers' meeting group...

EDGE: (in negation) Dude.

SHEENA: It's Tuesday...

SHADOW: Damn! I really needed a good support group today... I had the urge to skulk in the shadows again...

EDGE: (worried) Dude.

SHADOW: Yeah. I'm worried that I might use a shuriken later tonight, and you know I just can't stop at one.

EDGE: (really worried) Dude...

SHADOW: No, don't worry about me, Edge. I'll be fine until tomorrow. I'll go... I'll go put on something white and sit at the bar for an hour or two, talking loudly.

(SHADOW closes the door. Silence for a minute.)

EDGAR: I need a beer... maybe twelve...

BART: You can always run out front and get yourself one...

(But that choice is quickly obviated, as the door opens. Two extremely disparate people come through: ZIDANE TRIBAL, looking really nervous, and LENNETH VALKYRIE, with her hand reassuringly on ZIDANE's shoulder. She's got a clipboard under her other arm. VALKYRIE guides ZIDANE to a seat and sits down next to him, putting her clipboard in her lap and taking off her huge feathered helmet.)

VALKYRIE: Hello, gentlemen, I'm glad to see you all made it...

(General mumbled hello. No one's able to look directly at VALKYRIE, for some reason. In fact, no one's looking directly at anyone any more. Most people are staring at the wall, or at their hands; the only exception is ZIDANE, who's looking around wide-eyed at everyone. VALKYRIE is consulting her clipboard, tapping the end of her pen against her lips thoughtfully.)

VALKYRIE: Right, then. Shall we get started?

(General mumbled agreement. VALKYRIE looks over at ZIDANE, who is suddenly all wide-eyed and nervous. She smiles at him reassuringly and turns to the others.)

VALKYRIE: Who'd like to start? Does anyone need to talk?

(After a moment, IRVINE pushes himself out of his chair and stands, looking just a bit belligerent.)

IRVINE: Yeah. Yeah, I'd like to talk.

VALKYRIE: Go ahead... please do introduce yourself normally, for the sake of newer members...

IRVINE: Yeah, yeah. Okay. Ahem. (somewhat exaggerated) Mah name is Irvine, and Ah'm a womanizer.

EVERYONE ELSE: (mostly mumbled, except for VALKYRIE, who says it cheerfully, ZIDANE, who is silent, and EDGE, who says 'Dude':) Hi, Irvine.

IRVINE: Okay. So. I've never made it any secret why I come to these meetings, right? Because my girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't, that's why.

EDGAR: Right.

EDGE: Dude.

IRVINE: So here I am with the rest of you guys, week after week, and I can't tell that it's doing shit! I mean, I come in here once a week and pretend to be all sorry, but... dammit, I'm not. I still like looking at women, and flirting with women, and... why the hell am I here?

BART: Because you don't want to lose your girlfriend.

IRVINE: ... yeah. But... I mean, is it worth it? I've got this friend, never looks at ANY women at all, and his dumbass girlfriend is starting to nag him to come to these meetings too, just because my girlfriend makes me go... and it's stupid! Him looking at women is NOT the problem with their relationship! So not only am I screwing with my life, I'm starting to screw with his, and that's just... FUCKED. I'm sorry.

VALKYRIE: Are you sure he doesn't have a womanizing problem? Maybe it's just subtle, or something he keeps hidden... that's really his business, and his girlfriend's, isn't it?

IRVINE: Like hell! His girlfriend just can't figure out why she's not blissfully happy, so she's grasping at straws to try and MAKE herself happy, when maybe the answer is that she picked the wrong damn guy and tried to change him!

EDGE: (in awe) Dude.

EDGAR: (to BART) Isn't this a little off-topic?

BART: (to EDGAR) Well, a little, but it's still at least vaguely related... let Irvine talk. He's upset.

IRVINE: So this just... isn't the answer. Maybe I need to stop coming to these meetings and tell my girlfriend that it's not working.

EDGE: (worried) Dude.

IRVINE: But she never really listens to me anyway, so she'd probably just leave me... I dunno. Anyway. I'm done.

(IRVINE flops back into his chair and pulls his cowboy hat forward over his eyes.)

VALKYRIE: Hm. Anyone else?

ZIDANE: (very small voice) I... uh... should I say something?

VALKYRIE: If you want to... go ahead and introduce yourself to the others.

(ZIDANE stands up and glances around, knotting his hands together behind his back.)

ZIDANE: Hi... um... I'm Zidane, and I'm a womanizer, but... youdon'treallyhavetosayhellotome... that's okay...

(For a miracle, everybody is quiet, except EDGE, who murmurs a faint 'Dude'. Almost immediately, IRVINE whips around and glares at EDGE.)

IRVINE: All right. Time out. Sorry, Zidane. Edge, what the hell is it with you and 'Dude'?

EDGE: (uncertain) Dude?

IRVINE: All you ever say is 'Dude'! I know you know more words than that, I've played your game! I heard you say them! Well, saw you say them! So why don't you ever say anything but 'Dude' in these meetings? You've been in here for months! And all you say is 'dude'! That's... that's just weird!

EDGE: (mildly offended) Dude...

IRVINE: GodDAMNit, Edge! 'Dude' here! 'Dude' there! 'Dude' no matter what anyone says to you! You sound like... like a goddamn townsperson NPC!

EDGE: (completely and totally shocked and offended) DUDE!

VALKYRIE: Irvine! Please stop insulting Edge and let Zidane talk!

(IRVINE growls something and subsides. EDGE glares at IRVINE, muttering 'Dude' under his breath.)

ZIDANE: Uh... anyway, I'm here because... um... my girlfriend, she used to think it was really cute how I flirted with her all the time, but now that she's actually my girlfriend she wants me to... to stop, at least, stop flirting with other girls...

(IRVINE snorts.)

IRVINE: Exactly!

(ZIDANE blushes.)

ZIDANE: So, uh, anyway, I thought I'd try this... um... hi.

(ZIDANE stops talking, fidgets for a moment, then sits back down and turns pink. VALKYRIE smiles an empty professional smile at ZIDANE and pats his knee. After a moment, SHEENA coughs, gently, and raises his hand.)

VALKYRIE: Yes? Go ahead?

(Unlike the others, SHEENA doesn't stand up.)

SHEENA: I... uh... I don't have a girlfriend. I... I guess I never really did. But my dad... well... he's a big shot, and he thinks it's really bad for his image that I like looking at women, so... uh... so he makes me come to these meetings.

IRVINE: Oh, what, he'd prefer you look at men?

(SHEENA stops dead and turns crimson again.)

VALKYRIE: (reprovingly) Irvine, Sheena has the floor. And Sheena, you forgot to introduce yourself.

(IRVINE snorts. SHEENA gulps, then continues.)

SHEENA: Oh... sorry... uh... my name is Sheena, and I'm a womanizer...

EDGE: Dude.

EDGAR: Hi, Sheena.

BART: Hey, Sheena.

SHEENA: ...yeah. Anyway. I... I just wondered, though... does anyone actually come here because... uh... because they want to be cured? Or do other people just... make you come here?

(Prolonged, uncomfortable silence.)

BART: Actually... uh... my older brother makes me come here... well, he's my half-brother... he thinks that womanizing isn't really... befitting in a king, you know?

EDGAR: Hah!

BART: Yeah. I know. But... aw, geez. Why do you come here, Edgar?

EDGAR: Obviously because I thought I'd meet women!

(BART snorts with laughter. IRVINE grins widely. Unexpectedly, SHEENA giggles.)

EDGE: (highly amused) Dude!

EDGAR: No, no. Actually, it's exactly the same with me, Bart. Although it's my high councillor, not my brother. My brother likes to pretend that women don't exist.

IRVINE: What a sap.

EDGAR: Tell me about it. Women are the best thing about life, you know? I swear...

VALKYRIE: (interrupting, looking just a bit desperate) I think we're getting off-track here...

IRVINE: Like hell we are, missy! I think this might be the breakthrough I've been looking for!

ZIDANE: You mean, none of you are here for actual help?

SHEENA: Well... no... but it keeps my father happy, you know? And it keeps your girlfriend happy, and it keeps Bart's brother happy...

EDGAR: ... so we're all here to keep other people HAPPY? What kind of fucked-up logic is that?

VALKYRIE: (truly desperate now) Please! Boys! Settle down?

EDGAR: I'm not a BOY! I'm a MAN, dammit! Quit talking down to me!

BART: You tell her, Edgar!

EDGE: (in total agreement) Dude!

EDGAR: You know, I'm pretty damn sick of this stuff, myself. Goddammit, I like women, and that's not going to change because I come in here for an hour a week and pretend I don't!

IRVINE: Right on! For four months now I've been coming to these meetings and trying not to look at any women except my girlfriend, just to keep her from nagging at me, and all it's done is made me stare at Sheena's ass a LOT more than I ought to be!

(Instant silence. SHEENA is crimson again.)

EDGE: (startled) Dude.

BART: ... sharing a bit too much there, Irv.

EDGAR: Aaagh! TOO much information!

IRVINE: Yeah. Uh. Sorry.

SHEENA: (squeaky voice) My ass?

IRVINE: Yeah, and it's a pretty nice ass, really... uh. Sorry. Wait. Where was I?

EDGAR: I think we were being mad.

EDGE: Dude.

BART: Yeah, we were! We're all womanizers, and we're HAPPY about it, so why are we here, instead of out at the bar trying out new pick-up lines?

VALKYRIE: (one last desperate thrust) Because deep down, you want to get better, so that you can stop aggravating the people that love you?

(Brief silence.)

EDGAR: Nah.

BART: Fuck that.

EDGE: Dude.

(BART and EDGAR high-five each other and head for the door, grinning. EDGE follows.)

VALKYRIE: (exasperated) Fine. Fine. Ruin your lives, if that's what you want. Just remember that we'll always be here for you, when you finally decide you need help...

IRVINE: ... you know, you would be one damn hot chick if you'd just drop all the empty therapist-speak and start talking like a human being.

VALKYRIE: (icy) I BEG your pardon.

IRVINE: Yeah, even all pissed off like that! See, you're not being all understanding and condescending and shit, you sound like a damn person! Maybe you ought to try having a soul more often, I hear it's fun!

VALKYRIE: (angry now) How DARE you! How... how DARE you talk to me this way!

IRVINE: (grinning) Ooooh, and you're beautiful when you're angry...

(VALKYRIE jerks back slightly, startled, then she snarls and lashes out at IRVINE, slapping his cheek as hard as she can, which is pretty damn hard, really. You know, being a goddess and all. IRVINE's head snaps sideways, his hat flying off. Then he turns back and grins at VALKYRIE, rubbing his reddened cheek.)

IRVINE: Oooh, nice shot. My turn?

VALKYRIE: (startled) What...?

(IRVINE lunges forward, grabbing VALKYRIE and kissing her -- hard -- before she can even finish her sentence. SHEENA squeaks in terror and runs for the door.)

IRVINE: (breaking the kiss) See? Not so b...

VALKYRIE: (teeth gritted) You. BASTARD.

(SCENE: The main bar room of the Wyvern Westward. EDGAR is here, draped over a giggling redheaded woman at the bar. BART is talking earnestly to a pretty green-haired girl, and EDGE is happily dude-ing at any woman who gets close enough. Suddenly, SHEENA comes bolting from the back room, just as we hear:)

VALKYRIE: (bellowing) DIVINE ASSAULT! NIBELUNG VALESTI!

(Without even pausing, every person in the bar throws themselves flat on the ground and covers their heads. An enormous blinding flash of blue-white light knocks the door to the back room off its hinges, to crash into the wall opposite; in the next few moments we can actually see the walls of the Wyvern Westward bow outwards. The crash of blades roars through the room, along with a terrible wind that flips tables and throws chairs. Finally, things fall silent. No one moves, however, as VALKYRIE stomps from the back room, sword in hand, fuming. VALKYRIE stomps out the front door, without stopping. Once she's gone, then and ONLY then do people start picking themselves up off the floor. Behind the bar, TIFA is fuming, inspecting the damage.)

TIFA: All right, who set Lenneth off this time?

SHEENA: (meekly) Um... Irvine did...

TIFA: Shit, that figures. Is anyone hurt?

(ASHLEY WINCHESTER groans, shoving the displaced back-room door off himself and chugging a Potion that someone hands him. No one else seems to be hurt, although everyone's pretty mussed and startled, and in many cases, soaked with alcohol.  Suddenly:)

SHEENA: (aghast) Oh, shit... Zidane!

EDGAR: The kid didn't get out?!

EDGE: (upset and saddened) Dude...

(TIFA groans. Pulling a smallish white box out from under the bar, she smacks one of the large round buttons on it twice. On the first smack, ZIDANE appears under the Save Point -- a button-nosed Moogle. On the second smack, the Save Point morphs into a strange blue-and-gold astrolabe, and IRVINE appears next to ZIDANE.)

IRVINE: ... what the fuck happened?

SHEENA: You... uh... you kissed Valkyrie, Irvine. And she... uh... she...

IRVINE: You have GOT to be shitting me. Why would I kiss that empty little therapist bitch? I don't think she can even smile a real smile, let alone have an actual emotion...

SHEENA: Well, you did, even if you can't remember it now.

IRVINE: ... damn, I'd love to know what drove me to that.

ZIDANE: Ow. Uh. What happened? Last thing I remember...

IRVINE: ...w as coming into the bar and using the Save Point, right?

ZIDANE: ... yeah?

IRVINE: You must have died.

ZIDANE: ... what?!

IRVINE: Trust me. That's why the save point is here.

TIFA: No shit. Look at this place! Everyone's either armed to the teeth or ridiculously magical! You think I'm going to run a damn BAR without a save point in it?

(The Save Point flashes serenely on: a small triangle in a circle, a large book, a transparent yellow tablet floating in midair... TIFA puts the small white box away carefully.)

IRVINE: Well, shit. Give me a beer, Tifa.

TIFA: Sure, but just one, and then you get to help me clean up.

IRVINE: (groans) Fine, whatever.

(Slowly, the bar returns to normal, as the conversation picks back up. ASHLEY WINCHESTER totes the door back over to where it belongs, leaning it against the wall. IRVINE sits down at the bar, next to SHEENA, who's wringing beer out of his green shirt and complaining.)

IRVINE: ... hey. Sheena.

SHEENA: ... huh?

IRVINE: Anyone ever tell you you've got a nice ass?

(CURTAIN.)

DAMN, though. After the wrenching emotional debacle that was Go Wyverns, it's kind of nice to write a quick and easy throwaway parody again... it's nothing special, but I had fun. Dude.

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